Beer doesn't expect commitment.
Beer does not get jealous if you look at another drink.
A beer still looks like a beer the next morning.
You can have a beer whenever you want.
Size doesn't matter.
Every beer tastes like beer.
A beer doesn't care if it's a little bottom-heavy.
The only relatives of beer are foodstuffs and other forms of alcohol. How could that ever be bad?
You really enjoy going to all the places where you'd find beer.
Beer is always wet.
Diamonds are *not* a beer's best friend, pretzels are...talk about cost-effective.
When you leave beer alone in the fridge it doesn't think about what colour paint would go best with the decor.
Your friends like beer as much as you do.
If your friends don't have a beer, you don't mind giving them one of yours.
You can keep beer in a box in the basement until you really need it.
A beer doesn't complain when you don't take it out for a while.
A beer doesn't expect you to call the next day.
A beer doesn't tell all its friends about you.
A beer doesn't ask how you *feel*, but it always makes you feel better.
A good beer is always there for you when you need one.
There's a store where you can just *pick* the beer you want, pay for it, bring it home and keep it for as long as you want. Then, when you want more beer, or you want to try a different kind, you just go back to the store and get more.....and it's all legal.
It's rare to hear a complaint if you show up with beer.
A man will always speak fondly of beer.
A beer doesn't mind it when you talk about your favourite brands.
A beer never goes shopping for new labels.
A beer may make you act stupid, but it makes you *feel* smarter.
You can say you *love* a beer, in front of your friends, and they won't make fun of you.
Your beers won't be interested in other beers.
Your friends will let you try their beer, just to *prove* how good it is. ...besides...
Nobody is ever likely to offer to take you out for a 'woman'.
At a certain point in time a beer doesn't suddenly want to make more beer, but if it did, you wouldn't mind.
A beer doesn't expect birthday presents.
If you don't make it to your first anniversary, it's not a problem.  In fact, if the beer is gone after 3 minutes, nobody cares and they don't try to get you into therapy.
You can say you love a beer, but you don't *have* to say you love it before you can drink it.
You can drink beer no matter what kind of car you drive.
Even ugly men can get a beer.
You still need money to get a beer...well, you can't win 'em all.
A beer doesn't care if the label makes it look fat.
A beer 'goes down easy'.
It's o.k. to put beer in the trunk of your car.
A beer doesn't care if you come home smelling like another beer.
A beer's tastes always mirror your own (eventually).
You can have more beer, even after you've puked.
You don't have to get it up to have a beer.
Anybody who is a friend of beer's, is a friend of yours (eventually).
With beer, even the dumbest ideas sound great.
With beer, even an ugly woman can get a man. (o.k., this is a plus for beer, not necessarily for beer vs. women -- a good friend of mine used to say "I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few.")
Beer is fermented from a grain. Grains are one of the food groups. So beer is good for you.
Lifting heavy steins of beer is a good way to build arm muscles. ...besides...
How many of your friends have said "Come on over to my place. We're just sitting around watching movies and having a few 'women'."?  ...or...
"On your way over, could you stop and pick up a few 'women'?"
A beer can't talk.
A beer doesn't ask to come too when you're going out with your buddies, but you don't mind taking it along anyhow.
You don't have to wash up to have a beer.
Beer doesn't care about your prison record.
You don't have to have a steady job to have a beer.
You don't insist that your parents like your beer.
You don't ever have to meet, or be accepted by, the people that made your beer.
After drinking the same brand of beer for a year, a beer doesn't expect you to take it to the next level of commitment.
A 'cold' beer is a good thing.
Parents and friends will not try to select the right beer for you, nor will they order a beer you might not like and have it just sitting there when you walk in. They will always let you choose your own beer.
You don't need pickup lines to get a beer. You just have to ask someone to bring you one.
You can drink a beer and never feel a bit of guilt.
Even the Pope can have a beer.
The Queen has been known to have a beer from time-to-time.
You can switch brands anytime, and nobody gets mad.
You can buy beer on an airplane.
You don't have to bring beer with you if you're travelling, all you have to do is buy more when you get to your destination.
Beer doesn't care if you leave it in the hotel room while you go out partying.
Beer doesn't care what label it wears to a party.
You can drink as many other kinds of drinks as you want and still keep coming back to beer.

 
Children's Book Titles
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Children's books you will NOT see:
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer. Hey!  Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
********************
Which Condom Would You Use?

Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good!
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Coors Condoms: Wear the Silver Bullet.
Crest Condoms: Four out of five men prefer our condoms over any others.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going...
Exxon Condoms: Ride with the Tiger.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Kentucky Fried Chicken Condoms: Finger-licking good.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
McDonalds Condoms: You don't deserve a break today.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to come today?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey, you never know.
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Star Trek Condoms: To boldly go where no-one has gone before!
U.S. Army Condoms: We do more before 9am than most condoms do all day.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!
Wendys Condoms: Where's the beef?
***********
Descriptions of people you may work with:

A few clowns short of a circus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
A room temperature IQ.
All foam, no beer.
As smart as bait.
Body by Fisher Price, brains by Mattel.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Chimney's clogged.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Got the full six pack, but missing the plastic thingy to keep them all together.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Not the quickest bunny in the woods.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
One neuron short of a synapse.
One taco short of a combination plate.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook
Skylight leaks a little
Slinky's kinked.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Somewhere he is depriving a village of an idiot.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Too much yardage between the goalposts.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
When his IQ hits 50, he should sell.
******** *** ***
Job interview lowlights:

 ... said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the  company's management was incompetent."
"... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
"... brought her large dog to the interview."
"... chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles."
"Candidate kept giggling through serious interview."
"She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
"Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
"Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle."
"... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the Candidate."
"... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office."
"Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview."
"Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president."
"Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
"Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
"... wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police."
"When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
"... had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him."
"... bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet."
"At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
"... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
"Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was formal."
"Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
"While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
"During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
"A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do Istart? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
"An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus."
"His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
"He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped."
"He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time."
"Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
"He whistled when the interviewer was talking."
"... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
"... she threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened."
"Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
"... asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview."
*******
What "Win98" Really Means
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes you'll have left on your hard drive after you complete the installation.
7. The number of pages in the easy installation summary.
6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new operating system.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number of fatal bugs that remain on the release date.
...and the number one thing most people think the *98* in WIN98 stands for:
1. The year it was DUE to ship.
***
"Top Ten Bill Gates Pick-Up Lines"
   1. "Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before?"
   2. "Just close your eyes and pretend you're using a mouse."
   3. "Care to run your fingers through my ridiculous five dollar haircut?"
   4. "You haven't lived until you've watched 'Revenge of the Nerds' on laser disk."
   5. "Looking at you, I'm neither micro nor soft."
   6. Do you come here often? I don't, because I'm busy making billions of dollars."
   7."How would you like to be my human laptop?"
   8. "So, who do I make the check out to?"
   9. "I beat Michael Jackson for the title of World's Richest Virgin."
   10. "I control the Internet -- want to surf me?"
***
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
 
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J.  Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
 
SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
 
1.  Saying "Make it so" in casual conversation.
2.  Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
3.  Ability to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first.
4   Have figured out the stardate system.
5   Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol.
6.  The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams.
7    Memorization of the crew's authorization codes.
8.   Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface.
9.   Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint.
10. Understanding Klingon.
 
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...Enjoy!
 
10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9.  Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft.
8.  Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge.
7.  Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
6.  Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms.
5.  Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there.
4.  Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver."
3.  Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2.  Telling crewmembers in menacing Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead. Make it so."
1.   Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up.
 ***
Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked, "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
******
A little girl approaches her mother and asks,"Mommy, how do you get babies?"
"Well sweetheart," replies the mother,
"the Daddy takes his penis and puts it into the Mommy's vagina."
"Oh, okay," says the little girl."But last night I walked by your bedroom
and you had Daddy's penis in your mouth."
"That's how you get jewelry," says the mother.
 <><>
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance.   She leaned over and pushed me!
*********
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level.  Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"   He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
**
BULLSHIT BINGO
 
How to play:
 
Simply check off 5 words/phrases from the following list in one meeting and
shout out BINGO!  It's that easy!
 
  SYNERGY
  TAKE THAT OFFLINE
  STRATEGIC FIT
  AT THE END OF THE DAY
  GAP ANALYSIS
  BEST PRACTICE
  THE BOTTOM LINE
  CORE BUSINESS
  LESSONS LEARNED
  TOUCH BASE
  REVISIT
  GAME PLAN
  BANDWIDTH
  HARDBALL
  OUT OF THE LOOP
  GO THE EXTRA MILE
  BENCHMARK
  THE BIG PICTURE
  VALUE- ADDED
  MOVERS AND SHAKERS
  BALL PARK
  PROACTIVE
  NOT REACTIVE
  WIN- WIN SITUATION
  THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
  FAST TRACK
  RESULT- DRIVEN
  EMPOWER EMPLOYEES
  NO BLAME
  STRETCH THE ENVELOPE
  KNOWLEDGE BASE
  RESULTS -DRIVEN
  TOTAL QUALITY
  SLIPPERY SLIDE
  TICKS IN BOXES
  MINDSET
  KNOCK-ON EFFECT
  PUT THIS ONE TO BED
  CLIENT- FOCUSED
  QUALITY- DRIVEN
  MOVE THE GOAL POSTS