The blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
Bambi, a young blonde sidled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart..." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said the blonde, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do Blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
Stressing the importance of a large vocabulary, the English teacher told his class, "Use a word ten times and it will be yours for life." In the back of the room a pert blonde closed her eyes and was heard chanting under her breath: "Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred."
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
Drool
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
What do blondes and cow piles have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Why do blondes like tilt steering? More head room.
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.
What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Once they're on their backs they're screwed.
What's the mating call of a blonde?
Oh, I think I'm drunk.
What's the mating call of a brunette?
Is that damn blonde gone yet?
What's the mating call of a red head?
I'm still here!
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
That's where you wash vegetables.
Why does a blonde have T.G.I.F. written on her shoes?
Toes Go In First.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
If a blonde and a brunette both jumped off a building at the same time,
who would land first?
The brunette...The Blonde would have to stop and ask directions.
Blonde Movie Rental
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blonde: "Let see. It's from Sony. OK! I got it! It's called 'Head Cleaner'."
***
Track Hopper
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21....21....21..."
A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join in. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21...21...21 !!!"
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.
The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting "22...22...22."
***
A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly
found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones
were as big as golf balls and her car gets dented up really bad.
The next day she takes it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked
at.
The repair guy noticing that she is blonde and quite dingy when she speaks, decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.
When she gets home she starts blowing into the tail pipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend who also is blonde shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing!?"
She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
****
Double Decker Bus
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.
A couple of hours later it's the red head's turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's goin' on?" the red head asks. We're havin' a grand old time down below."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
****
There was a beautiful young blonde checking out in the grocery store.
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,
"Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm bisacksual."
--
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three
blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly
notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why
the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads,
with wings..."
***
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a professional kick boxer.
Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to
have to explain it three times."
***
911
----
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down
the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began
explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the
one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there
waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
*************
The little kid comes to his father and asks "Daddy, is God a man or
a woman?"
"Both son, God is both." After a while the kid comes again, "Daddy,
is God black or white?" Dad again replies "Both sonny boy, both."
After a few minutes the kid comes again asking "Daddy, is Michael Jackson
God?"
*******
"The Blond from Natchitoches"
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"
The blond girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
***
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned during spring
training
***
A blonde and brunette are in an elevator. On the 3rd floor, a manager
gets on who's perfect; 3 piece suit, great build and nice butt, the bad
part is they both notice he has dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone
should give him Head and Shoulders". To which the blonde replied, "How
do you give Shoulders?"
***
A blond calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can
you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blond wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
***
Then there was the dumb blonde who thought Meow Mix was a CD
for cats.
***
A blonde decided to try horseback riding, even though she had
no prior experience.
She mounted the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde began to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabbed for the horse's mane, but couldn't seem to get a firm grip. She tried to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slid down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leapt away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup and she was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head struck the ground over and over.
As her head was battered against the ground, she was mere moments away from unconsciousness. Then, to her great fortune, the WalMart manager saw her and shut the horse off.
***
A Blonde goes to the doctor and tells him she hurts all over.
"When I
touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts.
When I
touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blond, aren't
you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
***
What do you call a box with 12 blondes in it ? A case of empties.
***
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy
appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde
asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman
and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent
than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead.
The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde
asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy
turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
**************************************
The Blonde at the Vending Machine.
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts a coin in. Out pops
a Coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine
keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for
a few minutes before stopping her if someone else can have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face
"Back off! can't you see I'm winning?"
***