Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my Aunt Cliela decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback.  That moment finally arrived, and she was ready.  "You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."  My Uncle Epheus looked at her and replied, "Twice."
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Uncle Epheus and Vernon were talking one afternoon when Epheus tells Vernon, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.  The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.  Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Cliela got pregnant.  Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Cliela got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Cliela didn't get pregnant again."

Vernon asks Epheus, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Epheus says, "This year I'm taking Cliela with me."
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My uncle Epheus and his son, Vernon, went hunting a couple of weeks ago.  Somehow they got lost.  Uncle Epheus reassured his little buddy, though.  "Don't worry.  All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."

They shot in the air three times, but no one came.  After a while, they tried it again.  Still no response.  When they decided to try once more, Vernon said, "It better work this time.  We're down to our last three arrows."
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents  to tell them a story with a moral ending. The next day the kids came to class and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"We're farmers too. But we raise chickens for the poultry market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.  And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they hatch."

"That was a fine story Lucy.  Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Cliela.  Aunt Cliela was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun & a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy draw from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Aunt Cliela when she's been drinking."
****
Once upon a time my Uncle Epheus had three teenage daughters. One night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door and there is a teenage boy standing there.

Hi. Can I help you?
Yeah... My name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo.  We're gonna' see a show, Can she go?
Well, of course, but she's not ready yet. You can come in and sit on the sofa and wait.
Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later the doorbell rings again.  Epheus answers the door, and there's another teenage boy out on the porch.

Hi, How can I help you?
Hey! My name is Eddie, and I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?
No she's not but you can join Joe on the sofa.
About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave to go to town.

Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something bad happens.

When he opens the door, there's another teenage boy standing there and he reeks of booze.
Let me guess, you're here to see one of my daughters.
Yeah... My name is Chuck....
BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

***
My Uncle Epheus tried to raise dogs. Two of his finest dogs died last week, so he sent them to the taxidermist to get stuffed. The taxidermist called a the next day and asked "Do you want them mounted?" and Epheus said "No, side by side is good enough."
**
I remember one night, my Uncle Epheus said, "I feel faint, I feel faint." I said, "Sit on the floor and put your head between your legs." All of a sudden I heard, "Yow!" He was smoking a cigarette.
***
Epheus comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger with his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
****
 Epheus goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it.  He looks on the side of the cup and finds a peal off prize. He pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" He says, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Epheus hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
***
My uncle Epheus goes to the doctor for a physical.  After a thorough exam by the Dr. he is pronounced O.K. for a man 92 years old. Epheus then asks; "What about my sperm count?" The Dr. looks around and says "You're 92, does it really matter?"
Eeff gets agitated and says again, louder, What about my sperm count?
So the Dr. goes to his desk takes out a specimin cup and gives it to him. He tells him "Go home and do your thing and bring me a sample,and we'll check  it!"

The next day Epheus returns to the Dr.s office with an empty jar! The Dr. asks what happened and he says: Well, I went into the bathroom at home and I tried for a while with my right hand, and then I tried with my left hand, and then Cliela my wife came in and she tried with both her hands, and then with her teeth in, and then with her teeth out... and neither one of us could get the lid off the jar!
***
Aunt Cliela gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts "Honey pack your bags! I won the lottery." Uncle Epheus says "Wow!! Thats great!! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"  She says, "I don't care.  Just get the fuck out!"
 ***
Watching Aunt Cliela as she tried on her new fur coat, young Vernon said unhappily, "Auntie Cleek, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot him an angry look, "Vern, how dare you talk about your Uncle Epheus like that!"
******
77 year old Epheus went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Proctor said, " Epheus everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"

Epheus replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* . . . the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Proctor, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Proctor called Epheus' wife. "Cliela," he said, "Epheus is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?"

Cliela replied, "The darn fool!.... He's peeing in the fridge again!"
**********
Vern and his father Epheus were in the city, visiting a mall for the first time.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but  especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Paw?"

Epheus (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an older lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.

Epheus, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

****
Just after he got married, Uncle Epheus was invited out for a night with 'the boys.'
He told his wife Cliela, that he would be home by midnight ... promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the drinks were going down easy and at around 3 am drunk as a skunk, he went home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times. Quickly Epheus realized Cliela would probably wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times.

He was really proud of myself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning Aunt Cliela asked him what time he got in and he told her "midnight."  Phew! Got away with that one!

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why she said:

"Well it cuckooed three times, said  "Damn", cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled!"

***
I was visiting my Uncle Epheus out on his farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after a hen, when Eph came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn! I hope I never get that hungry."
**
So I asked my old Aunt Cliela how she was doin' an' she said "I'm old!  I can't walk, I'm havin' trouble hearin', My eyesite's goin', thank God I'm still able to drive!"
***
I was visiting my Uncle Epheus and we went to the general store.  When I stepped out of the pickup truck I said "Ewww".  He asked "What?"  I said "A sheepskin condom on the ground."  He gave me a weird look, I said "You know, for sex. Have you never used sheepskins?"  "Yeah," he said, "but we don't skin 'em first!"
***
 My uncle Epheus was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Old Epheus kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot.  At a yard sale, Eph saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone and he promptly bought them.  He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when
violently shaken.

He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and stretched out on his hammock. He only stirred when he realized his best rooster, Brewster, wasn't ringing at all.  Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one while the rest of the roosters had to work harder than ever.

Well, Epheus took Brewsky to the next county fair and related his story all around.  Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

****

My uncle Epheus has a wool knit hat with the letter 'Y' on it.  I asked him if he went to Yale, he said "No, that's my Y touque, eh?"
****