Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."  Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job.", the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."  The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job."  Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."  The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide."  Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"  "It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"  Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."  The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36."  Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
****
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to  worsening weather,  she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.  She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
 
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
 
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.  "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
 
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary  politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,"  Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room  for the night.
 
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out.  The same guy was still on the desk.
 
"Morning madam...sleep well?"  "Yes, thank you," Mary replied.  "Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't  think I have had better.  Shame about the eggs, though....they really  weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
 
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.  We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!"  replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book.  Waving, she left to continue her journey.
 
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
 
"Super cauliflower cheese but eggs were quite atrocious!"
 ****
Signs you work in a Corporation

 1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.
 2. Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.
 3. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
 4. You learn about your layoff on the news.
 5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes.
 6. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
 7. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined.
 8. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
 9. Communication is something your section is having problems with.
 10. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
 11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
 12. Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital".
 13. You're already late on the work task you just got.
 14. You work 200 hours for a $100. bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow,THANKS!!"
 15. Your supervisor's favorite lines are "when you get a few spare minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you".
 16. "Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.
 17. Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers".
 18. Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them.
 19. You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.
 20. You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.
 21. During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members.
 22. "Shopping" is something you do in the duty-free.
 23. You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month.
 24. You read this entire list and understood it.
 
HELPFUL HINTS FOR LIFE

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
*****
Some used car dealers might try to reduce the miles on the odometer to make a car seem worth more money.  With a Yugo, they add miles to try and convince you it really will go that far!
                               ~~~
Despite their small size, Yugos are actually designed for five people; 1 person sits in the driver's seat, and the other four would get out and push.
                               ~~~
A thief caused $39.95 damage to a Yugo.  He broke in and stole "The Club" off the steering wheel.
                               ~~~
"You know what they do with junked Yugo's don't you?  They recycle them into tin cans." - Jay Leno
****
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute
******
Did you hear about the new sushi bar on Bay Street that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?   When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

So there's this Lawyer and an IRS agent, and they're drowning in quicksand and you can only save one. Do you: (a) Take a nap or  (b) Go out to lunch.

What's one more difference between a lawyer and a vulture?  Vultures wait 'till you're dead to pick at your bones.

How many family lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one family lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him. Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.  Lawyer #1 says, "Boy, wouldn't you like to screw her?" Lawyer #2 then asks, "Screw her out of what?"

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did
yell 'fore'." "I'll take it!," the attorney said. Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?  Because deep down, they're really good people.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?  You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

There were the terrorists who hijacked a plane full of lawyers and threatened to release one each hour until their demands were met.
****
My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paper left on desks would be removed at night and we would have to fill out a form to get it back.

So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every night. In a week,  the boss had an office full of garbage and we never heard about the policy again.
***
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
******
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."   The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"   The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
***
When you get older.........

You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
She's getting crows feet around her eyes. And I'll tell you, that crow has big feet!
Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
You know you're past your prime when every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
I don't like to do things now that I did 20 years ago – like look in the mirror.
Heck, I don't feel a day older than I did a hundred years ago.
I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

>^,,^<
Robert Downey Jr. is now behind bars at Corcoran State Prison to serve three years for a probation violation stemming from a 1996 drug conviction. Reportedly, it will cost you 9 cartons of cigarettes to get "that great Downey feeling."
>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
***
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."  To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"  "Listen up, god damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So without saying anything the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.  They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no fucking problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"  "I see," says the manager excitedly, "and this damn bitch is giving you a hard time?"
<><><><><>
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak how. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you?  "Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'l get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
***
I dialed "O" and when a sweet voice answered, I said, "Hello, operator, I'd like to speak to the king of the jungle."   She answered immediately, "I'm very sorry, but the lion is busy."
***
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.  Parking is for Church patrons only.  Violators will be baptized.
<><><>
How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.
How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough
The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend
 
How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house
How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch
 
The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin
Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Home Depot again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain
How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them
 
The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.
****
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $50 bill.

In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $50 bill?"  Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $50 to one of you but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.  He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
 
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
 
He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty.  "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
 
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson.  No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.  It was still worth $50. Many times in our lives,we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.  You are special - Don't ever forget it!"