The Dark Closet
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A married woman is having an affair.
Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do," the little extortionist continues.
"Okay. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes, it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!  That's thievery!  I'm taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, it's dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest says, "Don't you start that shit in here now!"
>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<
A man said to his wife, "what would you most like for your birthday"
She replied, "I'd love to be Ten again".
On the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to a theme Park.
Every ride in the Park, he puts her on it.  The Death Slide, The Screaming loop, The Wall of Fear, everything there is she has a ride.
She staggers out of the theme park five hours later, her head is reeling and her stomach upside down.
Into Macdonalds they go, where she's given a Double Big Mac with supersized fries.
Then off to cinema to see Star Wars, more burgers, popcorn, Cola and sweets.
At last she staggers home with her husband and collapses in to bed.
Husband leans over and says, "well dear what was it like being ten again? "
One eye opened and she groaned, "actually, I meant dress size!"
>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from the children.
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Warning
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The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:
 
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
 
"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.  We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
 
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:

Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
 ** ******
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern.  Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
 
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted  the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
 
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
 
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.  To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said " I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken. "
 
" I doubt it ", said the man, " tonight I'm the designated decoy. "
 ****
A dad walks into the market with his 10-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in histhroat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a grey suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.  The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've  never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon, or something like that?"

"Oh, good heavens no" the man replies "I work for Revenue Canada".
***
What would happen if the world would rotate 30 timer faster?
Men would get paid every day and women would bleed to death.
***
The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday said it will decide the
constitutionality of a New Jersey hate crime law.
     Personally, I don't care what the hell the
     Supreme Court says, nothing can stop me from
     hating New Jersey.
***
Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol. However, researchers go on to say that the internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances . . .

since it is a terminal addiction.
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With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down
 on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

 When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:
 "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT `OUT OF IT."'
<><>
A dentist I know recounts sharing this story with an elderly lady, just as he was putting on his rubber gloves:   "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"  She said, "No."

"Well," he spoofed, "they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the employees walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in -- and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up -- then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and go around again."

She didn't laugh a bit.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop working on her teeth because she burst out laughing. She explained, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
*************
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
***
An Angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.  Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of  lightning.  Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.  At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."
*************
I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt?...The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love.
***
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..."
*******
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar).  At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.  A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping.  The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par.  When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
****
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize: What a crook sees with
Control: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse: What a Cockney barber does for a living
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty: How golfers create divots
Parasites: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm
Polarize: What penguins see with
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief: What trees do in the spring
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued: Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those,like, submarines, man
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official
*******
If 99.9% were good enough.....

* 12 newborns would be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes would be shipped per year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail would be mishandled per hour.
* Two planes landing at Chicago's O'Hare airport would be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary would be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions would be written per year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation would turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns would be processed incorrectly per year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced would be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations would be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal would be missing one of the three sections.
* A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds).