"Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six-thirty.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

What's the difference between an oboe playing in tune and Star Trek?
Star Trek could actually happen one day.

What's the best use for an oboe?
Using it to light a bassoon on fire.

Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.

Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

The soprano, not smart enough to use birth control, said to her saxophone lover,
"Sweetheart, I think you'd better pull out." "Why," he asked her, "am I sharp?"

Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
Because there's no spit valve.

Why are violas larger than violins?
They're not. The violist's head is smaller.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
They both are hard on ears.

One day, the conductor of a no-name orchestra got seriously ill, so they pulled the second to last
viola player to conduct for him. Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded
great! So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let the viola player do it. It
was great! They got rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and became the
most famous orchestra in history. Then one day, the viola player told the concertmaster that he
would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went
back to his seat, where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin.
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
 
Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales.
Each contributed the one he knew.

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just steal someone else's light.

How many electric guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.

How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"

How does a woman know when she's dating a French horn player?
Whenever he kisses her, he has his hand up her rear.

Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road?
The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.

How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

Why do trombonists make the best lovers?
Trumpet players do it with 3 fingers. Baritone players do it with 4 fingers. But trombonists do it in 7 positions.

How does a trombone teacher charge for lessons?
On a sliding scale.

What do you clean your sousaphone with? With a tuba toothpaste.

Two tuba players walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen!!

How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."
Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

What's the difference between a drummer and an electric drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the machine once.

Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A drum machine won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?
They never struck the same place twice.

Why was the piano invented?
So that the musician would have a place to put his beer.

When you arrive in heaven, St. Peter says, "Welcome to heaven! Here's your harp."
When you arrive in hell, Satan says, "Welcome to hell! Here's your accordion."

What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
A tenor.

The choir for the mentally impaired was not allowed sugar for snacks
and became known as the Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

What does a girls band vocalist's mother say to her before she goes out?
If you are not in bed by midnight you have to come home.

Why do conductors wear turtlenecks?
To hide the foreskin.

What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
 
********
Norm Peterson of Cheers...

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
 "No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
 
 "How about a beer, Norm?"
 "Hey I'm high on life, Coach.... Of course, beer is my life."
 
 "How's a beer sound, Norm?"
 "I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
 
 "What'll it be, Normie?"
 "Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."
 
 "What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
 "Daddy wuvs you."
 
 "What'd you like, Normie?"
 "A reason to live. Gimmie another beer."
 
  "What will you have, Norm?"
 "Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.
  I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
 "What do you say, Norm?"
 "Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."
 
 "What do you say to a beer, Normie?"
 "Hiya, sailor. New in town?"
 
 "[coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody."
 "Norm! (Norman!)"
 "Still pouring, Norm?"
 "That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."
 
 "What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"
 "Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."
 
 "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
 "Like a baby treats a diaper."
 
"How's life treating you?"
 "It's not, Sammy, but you can!"
 
 "Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?"
 "A little early, isn't it Woody?"
 "For a beer?"
 "No, for stupid questions."
 
 "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
 "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
 
 "Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
 "I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."
 
 "Beer, Norm?"
 "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
 
 "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
 "A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''"
 "Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
 "Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
 
 "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
 "Another layer for the winter, Wood."
 
 "Whatcha up to Norm? (said by Sam)"
 "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
 
 "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
 "Poor."
 "I'm sorry to hear that."
 "No, I mean pour."
 
 "How's life treating you, Norm?"
 "Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."
 
 "Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."
 
 "What's going down, Normie?"
 "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
 
 "How's life in the fast lane?"
 "Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."
 
 "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
 "Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty."
 
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
 "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"
 
 "What's the story, Norm?"
 "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
 
 "How about a beer, Norm?"
 "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
 
 "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
 "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
 
 "What's up, Normie?"
 "My nipples, it's freezing out there."
 
 "What are you up to Norm?"
 "About my ideal weight if I were ten feet tall!"
 "What's up, Norm?"
 "Corners of my mouth, Coach."
 
 "What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
 "Going down?"
 
 "What's up, Norm?"
 "Everything that's supposed to be."
 
 "What's new, Normie?"
 "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer."
 
******

WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING?

If a packet
hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

 If your cursor
finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

 If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
 
****

Things Bart Simpson has written on the Blackboard at the beginning of the Simpsons. (Thanks to http://www.snpp.com/guides/chalkboard.openings.html)

A burp is not an answer
A fire drill does not demand a fire
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
Beans are neither fruit nor musical
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
Coffee is not for kids
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Funny noises are not funny
Garlic gum is not funny
Goldfish don't bounce
High explosives and school don't mix
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
I am not delightfully saucy
I am not the new Dalai Lama
I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"
I was not told to do this
I will not demand what I'm worth
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I will not mess with the opening credits
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I will not tease Fatty
I will never win an Emmy
I will not bring sheep to class
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bury the new kid
I will not prescribe medication
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will return the seeing-eye dog
I will not sell miracle cures
I will not call the principal "spud head"
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I will not use abbrev.
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I will only do this once a year
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
I am not certified to remove asbestos
I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
I no longer want my MTV
I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
I am not licensed to do anything
I am not my long-lost twin
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
I do not have power of attorney over first graders
I will not send lard through the mail
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
I will not dissect things unless instructed
I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
I will not strut around like I own the place
I will remember to take my medication
I will not hang donuts on my person
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
I will not waste chalk
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatuent noises in class
I will not cut corners
I will not sell school property
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not show off
I will not sleep through my education
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not instigate revolution
I will not burp in class
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
I am not a 32 year old woman
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not fake my way through life
I will not encourage others to fly
I am not a dentist
I will not trade pants with others
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not spank others
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
I will not aim for the head
I will not carve gods
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not snap bras
I will not squeak chalk
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not spin the turtle
I will not conduct my own fire drills
I will not fake seizures
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
It's potato, not potatoe
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
My butt does not deserve a website
My name is not Dr. Death
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
Nerve gas is not a toy
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
No one is interested in my underpants
No one wants to hear from my armpits
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
Pain is not the cleanser
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
Shooting paintballs is not an art form
Silly String is not a nasal spray
Spitwads are not free speech
Tar is not a plaything
Teacher is not a leper
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
The First Amendment does not cover burping
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
The Christmas Pageant does not stink
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
The truth is not out there
The boys room is not a water park
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
There are plenty of businesses like show business
There was no Roman god named "Farticus"
They are laughing at me, not with me
This punishment is not boring and pointless
This is not a clue...or is it?
Underwear should be worn on the inside
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things

*****************************************
Troy McLure's Amazing Career
(Simpson's Episode numbers are in brackets.)

     Movies

        * [7F13] "Cry Yuma"
        * [7F13] "Here Comes The Coast Guard"
        * [8F01] "Preacher With A Shovel" (with Dolores Montenegro)
        * [8F03] "The Revenge of Abe Lincoln"
        * [8F03] "The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West"
        * [8F14] "Calling All Quakers" (with Dolores Montenegro)
        * [8F14] "Gladys The Groovy Mule"
        * [8F14] "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die"
        * [9F07] "Dial M For Murderousness"
        * [9F07] "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules"
        * [9F20] "'P' is for Psycho"
        * [9F20] "The President's Neck is Missing!"
        * [1F21] "The Boatjacking of Supership 79"
        * [1F21] "Hydro, the Man With the Hydraulic Arms"
        * [SI#2] "Space Mutants VII: Cry of the Space Mutant"
        * [SI#8] "The Itchy & Scratchy Movie" (bit part)
        * [SC#1] "Jagged Attraction"
        * [SC#1] "Look Who's Still Oinking"
        * [BM#1] "Calling All Lumberjacks"
        * [BM#1] "The Day Paul Bunyan Cried"
        * [SC#5] "Three Men And A Nuke"
        * [RM#412] "Radioactive Man III"
        * [TC] "Coffee, Tea, or Fiddle Dee Dee"
        * [TC] "Eenie Meeni Miney, Die"

     TV Series

        * [8F07] "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory"
        * [8F07] "Buck Henderson, Union Buster"
        * [8F12] "Handel With Kare"
        * [SC#6] "Troy McClure's Pre-Teen Soul Machine"

     TV Specials

        * [8F18] Miss American Girl Pageant (host)
        * [9F07] "Carnival of the Stars" (host)

     Educational films and the like

        * [8F16] "The World Without Zinc" (child actor?)
        * [8F22] "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What"
        * [8F22] "Here Comes The Metric System"
        * [8F22] "Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly"
        * [9F14] "60 Minutes of Car Crash Victims"
        * [9F14] "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass"
        * [9F14] "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot"
        * [BM#1] "A Tree Grew In Springfield"

     Do-It-Yourself Videos

        * [9F05] "Dig Your Own Grave and Save"
        * [9F05] "Mothballing Your Battleship"
        * [9F05] "The Half-Assed Guide to Foundation Repair"

     Telethons

        * [1F03] "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House"
        * [1F03] "Out With Gout '88"
        * [1F03] "Springfield Public Television Telethon"???

     Infomercials and Miscellaneous

        * [7F13,7F14,8F07,9F20] "I Can't Believe They Invented It!"
        * [8F03] Introductory video to the "Ah! Fudge" chocolate factory
        * [8F11] "We're Sending our Love Down the Well" (singing)
        * [8F14] Introductory video to "Rancho Relaxo"
        * [9F11] Voice-over for the Duff Gardens commercial
        * [9F19] The Springfield Squares
        * [1F21] Impulse Buying Network (IBN)
        * [TC] "Muttonchops" (A one-man musical tribute to the great thinkers
                of the 19th Century.)

     Self Help Videos

        * [1F05] "Adjusting Your Self-O-Stat" (with Brad Goodman)
        * [1F05] "Get Confident, Stupid!"
        * [1F05] "Smoke Yourself Thin"
        * [SC#5] "Kiss Your Butt Goodbye: Post-Meltdown Emergency Procedures"

     Key To Abbreviations
          #F## = episodes of "The Simpsons" TV show
          SI = Simpsons Illustrated magazine
          SC = Simpsons Comics
          BM = Bartman comic book
          RM = Radioactive Man comic book
          TC = Trading Card