There's been a burglary down at police headquarters. All the toilet seats were stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good - why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing...  If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place...

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair. That you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.  Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies:   They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.  Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers. It's usually a condition of their parole.

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,  "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign.'"

Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed?  Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi?

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.

A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg.   It was undoubtedly the rooster.

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.

The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog.  The man will be there to feed the dog.  The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity.  For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.

There are no rules around here.  We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory
 
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,  then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Everybody masturbates, and I think it's something that should be brought out in the open...
Of course, I tried that once, and almost went to jail.

Billions of years ago, man walked out of the sea with fins, reaching for his dick, going, Damn! I can't reach!  Then one day, they finally reached, and he started walking erect.

In the old cowboy movies, why didn't John Wayne pull the wagons into a square?  Then, when the Indians turned the corners, they would've fallen off the horses.

What's the difference between a coffin and a condom? Both cover stiffs, but one's coming and one's going.

Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed in the graveyard? So far they've recovered five hundred bodies.

How can you tell if a girl is a redneck? She can suck cock while she's chewing tobacco and know what to spit and what to swallow.

Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco wear short skirts? Because when they sit down their balls hang out.

An old guy goes to the doctor. After his exam, the doctor says, "You've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy says, "Thank God I haven't got cancer."

An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she is the more interested he is in her

What do an Olympic gold medal, an Olympic silver medal, and a pair of testicles have in common?
They've all hung under Greg Louganis' chin.

I'd like to do a song right now that was written by one of Dolly Parton's nipples... "Day after day...alone on a hill..."

What did the Oshawa guy say when he came home and found his best friend on top of his wife?
"Down, Fido."

Why is a woman like a twister? She comes in wild and fast and when she leaves, she takes the house.

What do toys and womens breasts have in common?  They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? The woman, of course. When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger or your ear?

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars in our galaxy, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest,  but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Did you hear about the rich hillbilly who died? He left his entire estate to his wife. Of course, she can't touch it until she's thirteen.

A gynecologist comes home from work. His wife says, "Are you tired?" He says, "Whew. I'm bushed."

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?  A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

What do you get when you put 50 civil servants and 50 lesbians in the same room?  You get 100 people who won't do dick.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?  There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad

How do you know when a lawyer is well hung?  You can't put your finger between his neck and the rope.

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton",  86% replied, "Not again"

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.  "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.
On the back it said, Wish you were here."

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I bought a self learning record to learn French. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in French.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.   But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.  By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."   So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children.  They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.  Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like that all the time.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.