You only know three spices:  salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your motorcycle.
You have a favourite recipe for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You've taken kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
At least once a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons:  Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
***
I understand the Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
The reason? Well, what good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
***
There once was a rich man who was near death.  He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.  So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.  "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.  Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.  Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"  But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."  Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave
behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?"
***
JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots. He Scores!
**
"Children are natural mimics; they act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners."
*****
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.  As  Cinderella sits in the garden her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"  "You must be home by 2 am. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am.
 
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.  Finally, at 5 am. she shows up looking love-struck and very satisfied.
 
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

"I met a prince, fairy godmother, and he took care of everything."  "I know of no prince with that kind of power," said the fairy godmother, tell me his name."
 
"I can't remember exactly.......Peter, Peter, something or other...."
***
When you want a man to pay attention to you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it.  Sure it's uncomfortable.  But it makes you look just like his remote control.
***
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?  If so, how would you treat them?
***
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see."                                              - Jack Handey
***
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds that she had put on recently. "Good," I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too!  We can be dieting buddies and help each other out.  When I get the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great,"  she replied.  "I'll ride with you."
***
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.

Dear Wife,
You must realize that I am 54 years old and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
****
(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing  each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Jeff Green

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni

"I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec."  - Marta Chaves

(On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white." - Tim Steeves

"My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said : 'Well, whose fault is that?'" - Emo Philips

"I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels." - Carlos Mencia

"They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example." - Rich Jeni

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips

"And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven.'" - Jean-Marie Bigard

"In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo." - Carlos Mencia

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips

"I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario.-  after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem." - Derek Edwards

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James

"Does Tampax really need is own Web site? 'My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room.'" - Elvira Kurt

***
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
 
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was  feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
 
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
 
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD!  GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
 
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!  Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ...!  he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
 
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
 
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
 
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
 
Love,
Grandma
***
The friars were behind on their payments for the new church belfry, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Everyone in town began to buy their flowers from the men of God, and the rival florist across town thought the competion was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't go out of business immediately. Terrified, they did so -- thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
***
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."  But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Howard, you're a Veterinarian...."
***
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW

If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to live with the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
Sometimes he's not thinking of you. Live with it.
Sunday = Sports
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Mark anniversaries on your calendar.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months is inadmissable in an argument.
If you guys don't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the Genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done....not both.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions are neither do we.
Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
***
Madonna is pregnant again.  Tabloid reporters are checking postal records to see if she has received any packages from David Crosby lately.
~~~~~~~
The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.
 
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"
 
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns.  He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."
 
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy.  There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block.  There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank.  There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables.  And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
 
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."
 
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy.  He lives right down the street."
 *********
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
***
A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
***
A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American:  "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??" Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.  In the States, we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."  The American has a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listens in silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"
Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs  in containers, recycle them,  transform them into jam and sell  the jam to Canada."

The Canadian then asks:  "Do you have sex in  the States?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American:  "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them,melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."
***
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
**
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.  He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend visits her the next day and asked, "Are you hurt?"  She replied, "Of course I'm hurt;  He hasn't called!  He hasn't written!"
***
The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

1.  Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -  (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2.  Find a prostitute and marry her. -  (Hosea 1:1-3)
3.  Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4.  Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5.  Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -   Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6.  Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.- Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7.  Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman.  Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.  That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob  (Genesis 29:15-30)
8.  Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9.  Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone.  (It's all relative, of course.) -  Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10.  Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11.  When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me."  If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -   Samson (Judges 14:1-)
12.  Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13.  Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.  (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14.  Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon  (1 Kings 11:1-3)
***
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?  But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered.  I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.  Now I'll have to kill you too.'
***
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional." The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income No Kids." They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
**
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys the following:  1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 single serving cereal, 1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "So, you single?"
The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly".
**
Here's the first quotable quote of the century.
Monica Lewinsky: on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculousJenny Craig weight-loss...
"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me"
<><><><>
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.  A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
<><><>
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"
"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"But where are the glaciers?"
"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."
<><><>
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.  "I'm a divorce lawyer."
<><><>
THE TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED (Okay, 11!)

11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
7. So that with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
 .......... AND (drum roll)
 the number one reason to GO TO WORK NAKED:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
<><><>
The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from the Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of gayness." His reasoning is because the character is purple (a "gay" color), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol), and he carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell's work is far from over.

FRED FLINTSTONE

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-Toes," the show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have a gay old time," he wears a little orange dress with triangles on it, and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.

BUGS BUNNY

Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag, and he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting, speaks with an obvious lisp.

VELMA (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she sports an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is always wearing a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks, and she never once attempted to shag Shaggy.

POPEYE

Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he hasn't been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances, dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl, and his best friend is named Wimpy.

BATMAN & ROBIN

Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder," Batman's real name is "Bruce," they both wear tights, and they both in great shape.

PEPPERMINT PATTY

Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants and not dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays a mean game of football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie, she always wears comfortable shoes, and her nickname is "Sir."

PINK PANTHER:

Enough said.