If fruit comes from a fruit tree, what kind of tree does chicken come from? A poul-tree.

"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand corrected."
***
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."  The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."  The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling  you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
<><><><><>
Elephant Penis

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose?  Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.  A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he painfully grunts out, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
<><><><><>
Juicy Steak
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said,  "You were born Protestant.  You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic."

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying, "You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow. But now you are fish."
******
Two guys walk into a bar -- which is really dumb.
You would think the second gut would have seen it.
***
In an angry press conference on Capitol Hill, Frank Gifford defended his wife, Kathie Lee Gifford, against labor activists who said her clothing line is still produced in foreign sweatshops.
     After the outburst, Kathie Lee's co-host Regis Philbin paused and asked ominously, "is that your
     final answer?"
***
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky  side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
 
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen." !!!!!
*** ***
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul,
your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
*** ***************
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
***
Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.  Then, he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."  The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated photo radar.  A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the traffic court a *picture* of $40, in cash.  The court responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs.

Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."   He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
*************
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies
accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.  The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
*******
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
**********
In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi.

The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermination."
>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<
Linda and Mary are having coffee when Linda notices that Mary seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend, Steve,  just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Mary explained.  "Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," Mary said. "He'll miss me."
*****
    1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
    1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
    2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
    10 cards = 1 decacards
    1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
    1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
    453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
    10 rations = 1 decoration
    10 millipedes = 1 centipede
    3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
    10 monologs = 5 dialogues
    2 monograms = 1 diagram
    8 nickels = 2 paradigms
    2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa
***
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.   The first mouse drank a shot and said, "I play with mousetraps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he
drank another shot.

The second mouse drank a shot and said, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he drank another shot.

The third mouse drank a shot, got up and walked away. The first two mice looked at each other, turned to the third mouse and asked, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stopped and replied, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
***
Microsoft Corp. chairman Bill Gates said Tuesday that consumers would be hurt if his company were broken up by the federal government.  Hey, can't we just shut the company down and re-start it?
***
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
------------------------------------------
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says "Why? I'm a fun guy."
----------------------------------------
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu, he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."
His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.
He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
------------------------------------------
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
------------------------------------------------------
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No I lost an electron!"  "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive !"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.
<><><>
"Hello, is this the FBI?"  "Yes. What do you want?"   "I'm calling to report my neighbor Thibodeaux! He's hiding marijuana in his firewood."  "This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI goons came over to Thibodeaux's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept, broke every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swore at Thibodeaux and left.
The phone rang at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Thibodeaux! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"  "Did they chop your firewood?"  "Yeah dey did."   "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
**
You know you're from Oshawa when...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
***
Start with a cage containing five apes.
 
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.
 
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.
 
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.  After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
 
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
 
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again
approaches the stairs. Why not?
 
Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.  And that's how company policy begins....
<><><><><>
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"  And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
*****
"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home."    - David Frost
****
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.  He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded & dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting  there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply.  "We got a  great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber.  "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump!  That's the worst hotel in the city.  The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.  So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber.  "You and a  million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel--it was great!

They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber.  "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?
***
President Clinton is urging voters in California to reject a ban on gay marriages.  Saying, "I don't take the details of marriage that seriously -- and neither should you,"  Clinton asked the crowd to vote no on the ban.
***
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry",  said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.  They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
 
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled  them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
***
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
**
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So give me another fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
**
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: Animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grapes with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines
**
What Your Computer Is Trying To Tell You

It says:  "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says:  "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no.1A4-254651E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says:  "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system,  and adding a few lines to win.ini"

It says:  "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says:  "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says:  "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says:  "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

<><><>
"Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on  you, go limp and soil yourself."
*** ***
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer-colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your front yard.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
If you hear. . . "Luke, I am your father .................. and your uncle."
**
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the  marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a  Pakistani accent say,  "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need  them, being the sex god he was.  The husband asked the man, "How  could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try  them on.
As soon as he slipped them  onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes;  something his  wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.  In a blink of  an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the  Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming: "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
********
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
**
RULES FOR WRITERS:

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
Be more or less specific.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
No sentence fragments.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;  it's highly superfluous.
One should NEVER generalize.
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't use no double negatives.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Eliminate quotations.  As Emerson said, "I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know."
If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Be careful to use the rite homonym.
 And Finally...
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.