Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke:  He told me enough!  He told me you killed him!
Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke:  No!!!  I's not true!  It's impossible.
Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke:  (in tears)  NOOOOOO!
Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else?  You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke:  Threepio?
Vader: Yeah, Threepio.  I built him-when I was 7 years old.
Luke:  No wonder he's such a pain in the neck!
Vader: Seven years old!  And what have you done?  Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke:  I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Vader: When you were, what, 20!  When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a shielded Trade Federation Droid Control ship ...with a lucky shot!
Luke:  Well, I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 racing through Beggar's Canyon...
Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor!  Ten years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open, only human to ever fly a Pod Racer...  Right here, baby!
Luke:  (looking dejected) But, but, it's not my fault...
Vader: Oh!  Here we go... <whining> "Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday...  Boo-Hoo... My daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... Waahhh! Waahhh!"
Luke:  (stammering)  Shut up!  Shut UP!!!
Vader: You're a slacker!  You think *I* had a Dad there for *me*?  Ha!  *I* was conceived by the mitochondrians and raised by my mother in slavery!  But by the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke looks down the shaft.  Takes a step towards it.
Vader: I was wrong... You know what - you're not my kid!  You're not good enough to be my kid!
Luke, in tears, takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.  Darth Vader looks after him...
Vader: And get a haircut! <Pfffft!>
***
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & an asshole
<><><>
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures...........
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.
<><><>
Letter of Recommendation -

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time.  Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Regards,
Sd/-
Project Leader

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second
line (ie. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ..) for my true assessment of him.
Sd/-
Project Leader
****
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
<><>
Jacob was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
He turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
Jacob looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
<><><>
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.  "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run.  The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs.  The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."
<><>
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.  There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.  She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more months went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.  So...  ..they buried her.
<><>
 Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day
 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
 8. See if they could finally do the splits.
 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
 And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
<><><>
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers.

However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to
another:

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
************
Why do computer users only blink an average of 7 times per minute, while the average person blinks 22 times per minute?
****************
THE PERFECT MAN
 
The perfect man is gentle    Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile    And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children   And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father   As well as a good husband to his bride.
 
The perfect man loves cooking   Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power   To convey his feelings of love on you.
 
The perfect man is sweet   Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother   And kisses away your pain.
 
He never has made you cry   Or hurt you In any way
Oh, fuck this stupid poem   The perfect man is gay.
**
The Truth About Barney:
Start with the given:

1. CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2.Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3.Extract all Roman Numerals:
C  V    V  L    D  I   V

4.Convert into Arabic values:
100  5   5  50   500  1    5

5.Add all the numbers:
666

Thus, Barney is Satan. I knew it!  The fat bastard. .
**** **** ****
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
***
Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2 "Just do her"
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
***
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:

10    Does this come in children's sizes?
09    No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08    I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
07    Mom will love this.
06    Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
05    No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
04    Will you model this for me???
03    The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
02    45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

01    Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!
***
1. "I'M GOING FISHING":
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
 
2. "IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
 
3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
 
4. "UH HUH, SURE HONEY," or, "YES, DEAR."
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
 
5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest."
 
6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST . . . I HAVE LOTS OF THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "Is that woman over there wearing a bra?"
 
7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
 
8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
 
9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I've ever owned, I just forgot your birthday."
 
10. "I DUNNO . . . I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND I GOT YOU THESE ROSES. . ."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
 
11. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
 
12. "I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated: ". . . and I sure hope I think of some soon."
 
13. "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my out stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
 
14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
 
15. "I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find out."
 
16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse."
 
17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh God, please don't try on MORE clothes."
 
18. "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again.
****************
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
****************
Believe it!!!!!
 
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals, when I ran into a friend whose neighbour, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC.
 
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that  HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN.
 
He saw a note his mirror that said, "Call 911!"  but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"  He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.  (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
 
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense.  Then reaching into the coin return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle, which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
 
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last  wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
 
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS.)  So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on.  To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
 
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
 
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
****
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas Edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Texas.  If you have one of the Texas Editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Texas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads 'WINDERS98' with a background picture of the Alamo superimposed on the Texas flag and it is shippedwith a Stone Cold Steve Austin screen saver.

Note:
Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse."
My Computer is called "This Infernal Contraption."
Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys."
Control Panel is known as the "Dashboard."
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive."
Floppies are "Them Little Plastic Disc Thangs."

Other features:
Instead of a Blue Screen error message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Terminology:

OK = 'ats awright.
Cancel = heck, no.
Reset = aw shit.
Yes = shore.
No = naaaaw.
Find = hunt ferrit.
Go to = over yonder.
Back = back yonder.
Help = hep.
Stop = ternit off.
Start = crank 'er up.
Settings = sittins.
Programs = stuff that does stuff.
Documents = stuff I done done.

Also note:
Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.  We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement.
***
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?  They're afraid of flying off the handle!
***
Oxymorons:
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Alone together
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Soft rock
Butt Head
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Now, then ...
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Working vacation
Exact estimate

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as
ghosts but as mattresses?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, the George Bush Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
** ***
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
*****
An English professor wrote the words: "Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is nothing."
*****
NOTE:  This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work-force during World War II, a mere 54 years ago! For those of you with any *efficiency* issues, pay close attention to #8.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men; the draft and manpower shortage have settled that point.  The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1.  Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2.  When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives.  Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy.  It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3.  General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4.  Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5.  Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6.  Give the female employee a definite daylong schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes.  Numerous
properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7.  Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8.  Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day.  You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9.  Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms.  Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do.  Never ridicule a woman - it
breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
***
I finally figured out why everyone's having such a hard time with this Y2K problem. They've got engineers working on it.

The Y2K problem involves finding a date ...

... something that no engineer has ever had much luck with.
************
 RIGOR MORRIS
 The cat is dead.

 QUE SERA SERF
 Life is feudal.

 LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
 The king is dead. No kidding.

 POSH MORTEM
 Death styles of the rich and famous.

 RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
 Honk if you're Scottish.

 HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
 Can you drive a French motorcycle?

 IDIOS AMIGOS
 We're wild and crazy guys!

 VENI, VIPI, VICI
 I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

 COGITO EGGO SUM
 I think; therefore I am a waffle.

 PRO BOZO PUBLICO
 Support your local clown (or politician, your call)

 FELIX NAVIDAD
 Our cat has a boat.

 HASTE CUISINE
 Fast French food. (including, of course, French Fries)

 VENI, VIDI, VICE
 I came, I saw, I partied.

 QUIP PRO QUO
 A fast retort.

 ALOHA OY
 Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.

 MAZEL TON
 Tons of luck.

 VISA LA FRANCE
 Don't leave your chateau without it.

 CARNE DIEM
 Seize the meat.
**********
What's the difference between premenstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.