My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean, ... now I weigh me down to sweep?"
********
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
 
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
*****************
On Being Female
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
When we buy a vibrator, it's glamorous.  When men buy a blow up doll, it's pathetic.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks. Free dinners. Free moving (you get the point).
We know The Truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize "Caddyshack" or "Fletch" to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
****
COMMITTEE!

Oh give me some pity, I'm on a committee,
which means that from morning to night,
we attend, and amend, and contend, and defend
without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur, we defer and demur,
and reiterate all of our thoughts.

We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
and consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
and the points of procedure are fun!

But though various notions are brought up as motions,
there's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve,
since it's out of the question for us.

What a shattering pity to end our committee,
where else could we make such a fuss.
*****
Oxymorons:

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Alone together
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Soft rock
Butt Head
New classic
Sweet sorrow
"Now, then ..."
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Working vacation
Exact estimate
*****
SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CANADIAN:

You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba,  it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You participated in "Participaction".
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
You possess a Canadian passport like every international assassin / terrorist / spy in the world,
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You know what a toque is.
You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Springer is not.
You know Toronto is not a province.
Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
***
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money.  To start their business they asked the pastor of a local church if he would be interested in their service.  He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint.

As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.

When they finished the job they called the pastor outside to look at their work.  "It looks wonderful," the pastor said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared.  All at once it started to rain and washed the paint off the church.

As the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said "Repaint and thin no more."
***
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."   I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"There is a lot of that going around."  That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."  I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or--  I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."  The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."  Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."  I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."  He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."  I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."  I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."  Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"  I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."  The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."  Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."   I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"  You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."  I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I'm off next week.
*****************************************
A lawyer addresses an all male jury:  "Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, Telephone Number 555-4531?"
***
Dormitory       ==      Dirty Room
Evangelist      ==      Evil's Agent
Desperation     ==      A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code  ==      Here Come Dots
Slot Machines   ==      Cash Lost in 'em
Mother-in-law   ==      Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms   ==      Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness   ==      Genuine Class
The Public Art Galleries  ==      Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point ==      I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes ==      That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two ==      Twelve plus one
George Herbert Walker Bush == Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush == He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan == A long-insane Warlord
Ronald Reagan == A darn long era
The Conservative Party == Teacher in vast poverty
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."==
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon!  On to Mars!
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.  == In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
***
     1st year college students will be graduating in 2002.

     They were born in 1980.
     They don't remember Reagan.
     They were kids during the Gulf War.
     They don't fear nuclear war.
     AIDS has always been around.
     "Star Wars"looks fake-the special effects are pathetic.
     They have always had an answering machine.
     They have always had a remote control.
     What are hard contact lenses?
     They have never been swimming and thought about the movie"Jaws". They
     have never heard-"Where's the beef?" or "de plane Boss,de plane".
     Roller skating has always been in-line.
     They don't understand"You sound like a broken record".
     Popcorn is always made in a microwave.
     Kansas,Chicago,Boston,America,Alabama are places-not music groups.
     They think we always knew where the Titanic was.
***
President Speaks...
      "Judge Starr, Members of Congress... People of America... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.  The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
      Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
      So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
      Got it? Good.
      Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
      Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.  There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time
like his lithium drip had just kicked in.  Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his
crackerjack style of governing.
      Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.  And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver- wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
      Which brings me back to my point...
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one-gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
      Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
      Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the presidential limousine.
     Thank you, good night, and God bless America."
***
Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
 
"Oh my God!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
 
The Doctor leading the tour explained; "I am sorry your Highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.  If he doesn't relieve himself at least 5 times a day, he'll become so swollen that it could result in his death."
 
"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed."
On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.
"Oh my gracious," said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
<<<<<
A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and became lost.  After a long search of the rambling first floor to find an exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.

"How do I get outside?" he asked.  "Dial 9," she replied.
****
The FDA approved a Prozac-type drug for dogs who are depressed.  Which is good, because it's hard for dogs to get therapy, since they're never allowed on the couch.  --Colin Quinn, on SNL
***
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning.  The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of  93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
***
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF UNIVERSITY TOO LONG WHEN:
 
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You hear your favourite song on the elevator at work.
- You carry an umbrella.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
- You go from 130 days of holiday time to 7.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
- Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
- Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
- You go to the pharmacy for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
- "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.
***
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
***
My shrink says, "Set limits, learn to say no, take time for yourself."
My boss says, "Mandatory overtime!"
I pay my shrink a hundred bucks an hour...
My boss pays me 25 bucks an hour...
So I work overtime and I pay the shrink...
Someday, somehow, this will all make sense...
******
My geometry tutor told me "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided ones are called pentagons."
"What about two sided ones?" I asked.
"They don't exist." was his response.
"I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
***
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM TREES

* It's important to have roots.
* In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
* Don't pine away over old flames.
* If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
* Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
* Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
* If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
* To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
* Grow where you're planted.
* It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
* Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
* Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
* If the party gets boring, just leaf.
* You can't hide your true colours as you approach the autumn of your life.
* It's more important to be honest than poplar.
***
Signs That You've  Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's

* You try to enter one of your passwords on the microwave.
* You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
* You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
* Your daughter just burned on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of  the screen.
* You buy a computer and a month later it is out of date... and now you sell it for half the price you paid.
* The only things you use real money for, instead of credit or debit cards, is illegal purchases.
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags into the back seat of your car from the passenger side floor where they've been for the past month.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
* You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
***
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?
 
He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in.
***
Microsoft Corp. has announced that their Windows operating system now includes an immune system which automatically seeks out and destroys computer viruses.  This comes on the heels of the discovery by computer scientists at Microsoft that the Netscape  Navigator is considered a virus.
***
Chevy has added wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost.

Dodge is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn out the motor.

But Ford is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on all of their trucks.  Keeps your hands warm while you're pushing!
***
"YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY..."

"Everything Comes In Threes" - Not true.  In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes  in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything  came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only  can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new.  Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"The Sky's The Limit" -  Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and  what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

"You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you.  And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even
get that.

"Tomorrow Is Another Day" - Not neccesarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

"If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All" - Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one.  If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.
***
The Top 12 Signs You've Hired the  Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party

12.  By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
11. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
10.References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
9. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
8. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
7. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
6. Didn't bring balloons but managed to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
5. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
4. Wears a T-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
3. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
2. Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King."

   and the Number 1 sign you've hired the wrong clown for your child's party...

1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
***
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?  Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!

Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased,  landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed,
and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
***
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny
***
Rejected Dr. Suess Books

The Cat in the Blender
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox in Detox
Who Shat in the Hat
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo-Can You
Zippy The Rabid Gerbil
One Bitch Two Bitch Dead Bitch Blue Bitch
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
Yentil the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
Aunts in my Pants
The Grinch's Ten Inches
***
A businessman boards an airplane to find that his neighbor in first class is a parrot.  They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.

"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.  The businessman orders a Coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"

The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.

Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another Coke.

Again, after waiting a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "Are you lazy or stupid? I want my drink, and don't forget my paper!" The poor stewardess nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.

The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Bring me my Coke right now!" he shouts.

Out of nowhere the stewardess, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.

At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
***
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a stronger negative. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is a positive."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
*** ******************************
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office.  The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"  The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"  The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.   When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.   This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.  Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"   The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.  She's married and we can't go to her house.  I'm married and we can't go to my house.   The Holiday Inn charges $90.  The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
**********************************
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."   She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
*********************************
At the exact same time, there are two young men who are on opposite sides of the earth:  one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers,  the other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman.  They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Answer: Don't look down
************************************ ****************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. . . . "You just change y to i and add es."
***
Follow your dream!  Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either.  Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.  Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.  It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.  That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and give them a noogie.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
***
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
*** ***
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it
appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.  The surprised drunk looks at the  bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
***
I have a question for you 'cause I want to see things clear.
If a doctor ate an apple a day would it make him disappear?
***
Worlds Shortest Books
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Al Gore: The Wild Years
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for History Majors
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Book
The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
****
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.

The guy thinks for a second and says,  "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
****
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.   -Dolly Parton-
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to  do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.  We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner-
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at  home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around  your neck? -Linda Ellerbee-
*** **
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for his girlfriend and himself. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more Dramamine and three morecondoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
****
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.  When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he
did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,  "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
***
Tom Swifties
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, dolefully.
"That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.
"I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.
"That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted.
"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.
"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
"That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly.
"I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.
"I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.
"I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.
"Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension.
"I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.
"That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.
"I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.
"I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.
"That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.
***
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet  became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.  Due to his poor diet and deteriorating health, he suffered from very bad breath. Nevertheless he was highly respected as an important spiritual leader.
In other words, he was known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
***
January 4, 2000
 
Dear Valued Employee:
 
Re:  Vacation Pay
 
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past  100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of  paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is  granted for every 5 years of service.
 
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next  pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay  and interest for the past 1,200 months.
 
Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing
***
You know you work in a Corporation if:
 ------------------------------------------
 
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
"Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
Art involves a white board.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
Change is the norm.
Nepotism is encouraged.
The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
You read this entire list and understood it.
 ***
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they  delivered the mail?
***
An 80's Love Story
 
I was working part time in a five and dime.  My boss was Mr.  Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked  like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him.  One  manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I  overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby.  I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection.  He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy.  Then he blamed it on the rain.  He was so out of touch.  It just took my breath
away.  I couldn't fight this feeling any longer.  I asked him "What's love got to do with it?"  He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.
 
So I figured I might as well jump.  I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny.  (You already know the number)  She was on the other line with Amanda.  They were
talking about Mickey and how he was so fine.  That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her.  She told me she had been
saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby.  I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!"  I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night).  First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it.  I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me.  Come on, Eileen! ... no answer.  Nobody told me there'd be days like these!  I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart.
 
Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls.  Yes, the real Roxanne.  She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that
 she wanted to take on me.  I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl."  She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger.  Who was I f-f-f-foolin?  Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life.
 
I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red  Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her.  When I got to her house (in the middle of her
 street) I ran.  I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?"  "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied.  I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes.  I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!"  Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move.  I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.
 
Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder.  "Turn around bright eyes!"  said a familiar voice.  As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time.  He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and lood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled.  At this point I was livin' on a prayer.  I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn.  No longer do I want to know what love is.  Love stinks.
***
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"Why, Holmes? What does it tell you?"
 Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you idiot.  Some bounder has stolen our tent."
***
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said,  "Whew!  Thank God!  I thought you said 'A protestant'!"
***
Merger Results
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Here are the new product names resulting from mergers of some well known companies:

Xerox and Wurlitzer:
They're going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
Poly-Warner-Cracker

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale
Business Systems: Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & Goodyear:
mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
3 Penney Opera

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da
***
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.   "Why of course," comes the reply.   The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"    I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.   The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too!   Let's have another round to Ireland."   "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
 
Curios, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"  "Dublin," comes the reply.   "I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!  Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.  Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"   "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."   "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
 
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
****
He Who Brags Last
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break though.  They made him a salesman and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE too got a break.   They made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the Real Estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you on that.  My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. He had a similar break after years of hard work.  In fact, he's so rich now that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they were telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I learned something new about my son recently. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years.  That used to worry me for his financial future, but not anymore.  I also learned that he's gay and has several boyfriends."

"Really?" says one of the others, "was that a shock for you to learn?"

Well, sort of.  I've come to understand that there are more than a few ways to have the best in life.  He does very well for himself.  For example, his boyfriends bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!"
***
"I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave."

"Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never
want to stand in line again."
***
Surgeon General Warnings
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ass.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to punch you.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear better looking than they actually are. (not to mention the lighting did wonders for their looks)

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol in females may cause extreme bloating in a  nine month period.
***
Reasons it's great to be Gay

You know what kind of flowers to bring.
Your "love handles" are sometimes used as such.
You've always got the most interesting coffee-table books.
You have a romantic side.  It can either be face-up or face- down.
You can work the Personal ads for fun or profit.
You know how to get out the really tough stains.
You have several different ways in which to lose your virginity.
You have your own flag.
Your glassware does not have Ronald McDonald on it.
You can survive a messy breakup.
You know when a fashion trend is over.
You know your enemies.
You're first with the really juicy rumors.
You have your own definition of the term "faithful."
You don't like the term "open homosexual".  It makes you sound like a 7-eleven.
You are generally aware of all your "issues."
You know never to respond honestly to the question "How old do you think I am?"
You can actually have slept with someone before your first date.
You know your body is a temple.  It's just that you welcome all denominations.
You don't assume every woman has slept her way to the top and/or is a lesbian.
You know how to open champagne.
You know how to buy a gift that will literally make someone scream.
You know how to write a thank you note.
You know which clothes to throw out.
You can wear any color and make it look good.
You know how to make your boss look good.
You know how to make your boss look bad.
You know how to throw a fabulous party.
You never have to respond to the question, "How 'bout those Argos?"
You're known for your good taste. And if you're not, nobody dares to tell you.
You get along better with your girlfriend's mom than she does.
You can dance.
You can tolerate the feature articles about straight sex in "Men's Health"
You believe every rumor you don't start yourself.
You've spent many a sleepless night.  They are your favorites.
You know your flaws.
You know how to conceal your flaws
You know how to walk right past someone and still let him or her know you are not interested.
You most likely have a sentimental collection of objects that are of no interest to anyone else.
After a good workout at the gym, you feel like a new woman.
     Fortunately, she's right there in the shower.
You know precisely at which point Michael Jackson
     should have stopped with the plastic surgery.
You can immediately come up with a list of flaws
     of anyone your friends are considering going home with.
You know small talk can be about spirituality or politics and
     important issues can be about hair or fashion.
You'd never consider stabbing someone in the back.
     It is much more fun seeing his face.
Unlike most straight women,
     you have no problem being treated solely as a sexual object.
You know that some of the worst social functions can be redeemed
     by two magical words: Open Bar.
***
To do is to be.       -Descartes
To be is to do.       -Voltaire
Do be do be do.     -Frank Sinatra
***
Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.
***
St. Peter:  What have you done in your life to merit heaven?
Doctor:  I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.
St. Peter:  That's great.  Go ahead in to heaven.  And what about you?
Nurse:  I have nursed patients back to health my entire life as an adult, etc...
St. Peter:  Wonderful.  Please proceed in with the Doctor.  And what about you?
HMO Executive:  I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.
St. Peter:  Oh, I see.  Please go on in . . . but you can only stay 2 nights!
***
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree.
Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.
A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
***
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is.  This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
***
I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.
I bought a lead whistle but it wooden lead me whistle.
I bought a steel whistle but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
I bought a vinyl whistle.  Vinylly it whistled!
***
A lady goes golfing and gets hit in the ass really hard with a golf ball. She goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Where were you hit?"
She says, "Between the first and the second hole."
He says, "That doesn't leave alot of room for the band-aid, does it?"
***
A guy goes to a masquerade party stark naked on a pair of roller skates.
Somebody says, "What are you supposed to be?"
He says, "A pull toy."
***
A lady goes for her first golf lesson.
The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ." The lady takes the club and hits the ball. He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."
***
I did have some weird jobs along the way. I worked in a drug store for about five minutes. A lady walked in and asked if we had any tampax. I thought she said thumb tacks... So I asked her if she was going to push 'em with her finger or hit 'em with a hammer.
***
Giselle LeBeau of Trois Riviere Quebec is nine years old and her cat just had kittens.  Mom asks what are you going to call them and she says les seperatists.  Mom giggles and tells her friend at work (local newspaper) and one of the scribes puts it in the paper.
Two weeks later it's on Lucien Bouchards desk and he gets his people to gear up the P.R. machine.
So he winds up in Trois Riv. and on local tv asks Giselle what she named her kittens.  Giselle says mon petite canadiennes.  Lucien says but here in the paper two weeks ago you called them les separatistes and she says yes but their eyes are open now.
***
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, girl stopped the boy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the boy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
*** ***
Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering
***
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the strangers hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
 Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
***
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
***
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
***
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
***
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
***
Anything that happens, happens.
Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.
Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.
It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though.
***
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. And when they hung him he said "Bury me deep, cause I was a cowboy, mister, and I loved the land."
***
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did"
****
An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "Kenny G. solo".
****
Four golfers met at the golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.
The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.
The second golfer related that he would do all the vacuuming, dusting, and laundry.
The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.
The fourth golfer said it was very simple for him.  He said he just set the alarm for 5:30 A.M. and when it went off, he rolled over and asked his wife:  "Intercourse or the Golf Course?"..... his wife told him not to forget his sweater.
***
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
'Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I
went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
***
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.  This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive.  Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.  It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.  It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only Howard Stern while stuck in traffic.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
It will seduce your grandmother.  Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs.
Be very, very careful.
***
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.  The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
***
Stuff to do when you're bored
1.  Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, legal size paper, 99 copies.
2.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3.  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4.  If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5.  Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6.  Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. While sitting in your cube at work, yodel.
8.  Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
10. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
     Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
13.Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
      When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
14. Ask people what gender they are.
15. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Honk and wave to strangers.
18. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
19. type only in lowercase.
20. dont use any punctuation either
22. mess up sequential numbering
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:  "Do you hear that?"  "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
***
From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine:
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job"
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Reason for leaving last job:
     They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
~~~~~~
Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthy article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses, culled from depositions and trial transcripts. I think this one is a classic:
Lawyer: So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?
Doctor: That's correct.
Lawyer: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?
Doctor: No. I performed the autopsy.
Lawyer: OK, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?
Doctor: He came into the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency
room a short time after arriving.
Lawyer: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.
Lawyer: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
Lawyer: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemmorhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.
Lawyer: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.
***
The Hamster at the Bar
This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender says "No way.  I don't think you can pay for it."  The guy says "You're right.  I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"  The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.  He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a bar stool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin Tunes. And the hamster is really good.  The bartender says, "You're right.  I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."  The guy downs the drink and  asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle or else no drink,"  says the bartender.  The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.  He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.  He has a marvelous voice, a great pitch, a fine singer.  A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal."  He takes the $300 and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs a little bar with it.  The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of a nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must be worth millions.  You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
***
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.  The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been
sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep '.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know  I heard it snoring "
****
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?"  The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards,
but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway
and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no."  said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away "
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet."  The man replied.  "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green.  And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
****
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It  was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring
mother and her 5 year old child.  The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he
could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place "
***
This male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance. He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life. He swims over and whispers the plan to her.
So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back and forth, the sailors on the ship scrambling all over the deck.
Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean.
The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away . . . so the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong . . . she huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen."
***
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving,  he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official  looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a  week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers."
***
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, "my dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."  She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too."
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."  He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned.  I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's O.K., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
********
Good Old Mom
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
***
A man walks into a healthfood restaurant after a day at the  office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice  and stir-fry veggies.
 He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter  by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and  as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a  beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks  around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been  speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts  into his mouth.
Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man.  Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani?  Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that?  Am I GOING CRAZY??"
 "Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the  peanuts."
 "The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
 "Yes," replies the waiter, ". . . they're complimentary !!"
***
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code for their program. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning flashed and the power went out. Both contestants computers shut down. After a moment the power came back on -- just in time for the clock to announce that the final competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to produce their finished software. Mohammed was furious. He shouted, "This is an outrage! I have lost all my work in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor, Jesus Christ. Jesus smiled, clicked his mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his computer screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor. When asked how his decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set Jesus apart from all the other religious leaders: Jesus saves.
***
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. It's almost time for my next joint."
**
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything.
Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall.  Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds  a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.
When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".  The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ..
****
Princess Di---

What is the difference between a Mercedes and a BMW?
Princess Di wouldn't be seen dead in a BMW.
 
When the people at the Ritz asked Princess Di if she wanted a room for the night she said,
"No, I'm gonna crash with my boyfriend."
 
Did Dodi do Di before Di and Dodi died?
Button: Paparazzi against Drunk Driving
If Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found in the glove compartment?
 
Tonight we could all memoralize the sainted Mother Teresa and the beloved Princess Diana
by eating curry and then sticking our fingers down our throats.
They found the motorcycle of one of the paparazzi.  There was a bloody glove beside it.
***
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse and pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea!  What is that your putting over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her that she could purchase them at a pharmacy.  When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with  all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms.
He says "We have a wide selection of condoms,  what kind do you want? The old lady thought for a moment and said . . . "one  that will fit a Camel."