Did you hear about the toast, egg and bacon that walked into the bar?
The bartender said, "Get out!  We don't serve breakfast in here...."

If in heaven we don’t meet   Together we’ll take the heat
And if it ever gets too hot   Pepsi-cola hits the spot.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers.
<><><>
When you are sad,.............
I will get you stoned and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue,..........
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

When you smile,............
I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared,.........
I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried,.........
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused,........
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick.........
Stay away from me until your well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall......
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...............
I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?........
Because you're my friend.
<><><>
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.  Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, What do you think about we play for a $5.00 a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
<><><>
A man had a terrible accident and his private parts were injured. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his privates to be rebuilt but insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic.

He had three choices:  small for $3,500, medium for $6,500, and large for $14,000.

The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.  The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options.

The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad.  "Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," said the man. "My wife would like to remodel the kitchen."
<><><>
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.  "The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."  "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.  The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
<><><>
At age 85, Epheus marries a lovely 25-year-old woman.  Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night, they should have separate bedrooms.  She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.  After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action.  They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes, there is a knock on the door and there is old Epheus again ready for more action.  Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful.  The octogenarian once again bids her a fond good night and leaves.  She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and after a few minutes, is close to sleep.

But, for the third time, there is a knock at the door and there he is again, fresh as a 25 year old, and ready for more.  Again, they ravish one another.  As they are basking in the afterglow, the young bride says to him "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough to go at it three times.  I have been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time.  You're a great lover Epheus."

Epheus, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, "you mean I was here already?"
<><><>
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.  He asked her about it.
 
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said.  "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."  "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klopman."
<><><>
Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink.

 The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it.  Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.  "Look at that," remarked Bill to Dale. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
<><><>
Two men are driving through Georgia when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the Trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
 
The driver says, "What the hell was that for?"  The Trooper says, "You're in Georgia, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."  The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
 
The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.  He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.  The passenger rolls his window down and-"WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
 
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"  The Trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."  The passenger says, "Huh?"
 
The Trooper says "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say... "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me."
<><><>
MANAGEMENT LESSON #1

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"  The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.  Management Lesson:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

MANAGEMENT LESSON #2

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

MANAGEMENT LESSON #3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money. "And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit.  Management Lesson:  You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

MANAGEMENT LESSON #4

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!  Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.  2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.  3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
<><><>
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
<><><>
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A POTHEAD WHEN:
When someone asks if you smoke, you have to ask, "Smoke what?"
When you hear the term "red-eye" you're not thinking about a late-night flight.
You have a name(s) for your smoking tool(s).
You call cigarette papers, "rolling papers."
You snicker every time you hear the words "smoke," "roach," "grass," "bud," "joint," "baked," “fried," "skunk," "canoeing," "fatty" etc.
When you hear the word "weed" you don't think of gardening.
You go to the grocery store and all that's in your cart is soda, chips and ice cream.
You own several bottles of Visine.
You love Cheech & Chong.
You've seen the movie "Half-Baked" and you can relate.
You end a lot of your sentences with "man."
You've smoked yourself "straight" or know of someone who has.
You look at any container and wonder how much weed it'll hold.
The rule "Puff, puff, pass" is sacrosanct.
You walk around your city or town and not notice a thing but once you smell weed, your senses become acute like a hawk's.
You know a ton of code words for "it."
When you think of "Colombia," you're not thinking of a cartel.
You had in mind to backpack across Europe, but never made it past Amsterdam.
You can't say "Maui" without wanting to also say, "wowie."
You own an article of hemp clothing, soap or paper.
You have tons and tons of stories that start out as, "One time when I was high."
You trade those stories like baseball cards with other people.
You've developed a discriminating palate for the "good shit" as opposed to the "bad shit."
Your thumbs are calloused from flicking a lighter.
You look at High Times magazine just for the pictures.
<><><>
Man appears to be the missing link between anthropoid apes and human beings.  -Konrad Lorenz, ethnologist
<><><>
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.  "Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."  "No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."
<><><>
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.  "Property holder?"  "Yes, I am, Your Honor."  "Married or single?"  "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."  "Formed or expressed an opinion?"  "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
<><><>
What did the leftovers say when they were put into the freezer?   Foiled again.
What machine scares the daylights into you? An alarm clock.
What is more blessed to give than to receive? Advice.
What two words have the most letters? Post office.
Just because no one has made this race worth while, doesn't give you permission to stop running.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
<><><>
Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
Don't let the past hold you back; you're missing the good stuff.
Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
Some people make the world special just by being in it.
Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you begin?
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Most people walk in and out of you life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.
***
"Mummy, Mummy", called Little Johnny one day, "do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"
"Well the last generation just dropped it."
<><><>
A new Georgia flag with a much smaller Confederate battle emblem was hoisted above the statehouse Wednesday. The flag is being promoted in African American communities as, "Now with 30% less slavery!"
<><><>
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.  - George Burns
<><><>
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
<><><>
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.  "Hi honey, are you at the club?"   "Yes, Dear" "Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."  "How much is it, Dear?"  "They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?" "But you already have fur coats?" "Please Dear it's absolutely exquisite!" "Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand  new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"  "Honey, come on, we already have cars!"  "You promised me  that I could get a convertible!"  "How much is it?"  "You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"  "Ok, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"  "This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"  "See you tonight dear"  The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks: "Who's phone is this?"
<><><>
Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you have never been hurt,
Dance like you do when no ones looking.
<><><>
A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his life slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Mary," the husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
<><><>
During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going?  I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta.  Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to!  Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.  Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Controller, wasn't I married to you once?"
<><><>
An attractive blonde was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no.." she sobbed, heartsick.  "Oh," said the lawyer, "just some suggestions."
<><><>
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself.

This has been a recorded announcement."
<><><>
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing.  The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children.

"My, my," said the nun, "13 children... You're a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you!"  "I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!?" she replies.  "Hmmm... You're a sex maniac, aren't you?"
<><><>
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
<><><>
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
<><><>
If your brain was an egg, and you were stoned? You would've eaten it by now.
If your head was a Tootsie Pop - How many licks would it take to get to your brain?
Judge not, unless you want to cast the first stone at a bird in the hand of Lady Luck, who never forgets, a stitch in time saves moss from growing on a rolling glass house, heading for all your eggs in the bed you made.
<><><>
Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke
out. The  nuns took there habits off and tied them together to make a rope
to get out of the building via the window.
 
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news
reportere came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid
that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?
 
The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break".
<><><>
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards."
CBC Television is developing an Albertan version of the popular TV show "Survivor".
 The rules are simple:
 Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:
I'm from Toronto, voted for Chretien, I'm Gay, Vegetarian, and I'm here to Take your Guns!
 
The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner!
>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<
Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs.  "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait"
>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1:  Don't tell people everything you know.
>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<
Little Johnny approached his father and said, "I know the Bible!"
His father replied, "What do you mean you know the Bible?"
Little Johnny replied, "I know what the Bible stands for!"
His father said, "So, what does the Bible stand for?"
Little Johnny replied, "It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."
<><><>
In a country home that seldom had guests, a young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest.
The boy came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
<><><>
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's the year 2000. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up
<><><>
Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.
<><><>
COOKING TERMS

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk.  Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound.  The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy; in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents.  The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
<><><>
Performance Evaluations

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom ... and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored -- he's the other one."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
<><><>
A man walks into a bar.  He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.  He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"  She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."  The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for
<><><>
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"  "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"  The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."  "That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
<><><>
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"   "You'll know tonight." he said.   That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
<><><>
The meek shall inherit the earth - if that's all right with you
<><><>
The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"  "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't" replied the bartender.  The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"
<><><>
I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching. That really freaks me out, you know?
<><><>
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.  "I know," he replied.  "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."  Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you."  I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair. "Yeah," he said smiling slyly.  "All the girls do

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
<><><>
There was a young hooker named Gail
whose price was tattooed on her tail.
And on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
was the same information in Braille.

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Wilson noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.  Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in again, over and over.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
<><>
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"  "274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?  "Nine" says the third man.  "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?  "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.
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 I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.  Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Skinny people piss me off!  Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat."  Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 8 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock step class?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch...do it and you die."

 "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
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I heard that if you play the Windows ME CD-ROM in your cd player, you'll hear a satanic message.  But the most frightening thing is that if you put it in your computer, it installs Windows ME!
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One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath.  She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen. Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs. She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps.  She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen.  So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.  The footsteps grew louder.  The door was opened.  It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.  For a moment she was speechless.  Then she said, "Sorry, I was expecting the milkman."
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A young lass went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.  "Yes madam," said the clerk,  "I'm quite certain that could be done.  What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"
"Braille," she replied.
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Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength to Love, 1963.
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An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."  "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.  "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."
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A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
 
Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
 
Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
 
When baking, follow directions.
When cooking, go by your own taste.
 
Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
 
Good sex should involve laughter.
Because it's, you know, funny.
 
If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
 
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
 
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
 
If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.
 
I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
 
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
 
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
 
Living well really is the best revenge.
 
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
 
Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.
 
Work is good but it's not important.
 
Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
 
You are the only person who can truly make you happy.
 
And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
 
THINGY:
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra
 
VULNERABLE:
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
 
COMMUNICATION:
female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for the weekend with the boys.
 
BUTT:
female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal.  Also good for mooning.
 
COMMITMENT:
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with the girlfriend.
 
ENTERTAINMENT:
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
 
FLATULENCE:
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and essential element of male bonding.
Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.  Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.  There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."  The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Mary, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."  "I love the fact that you take really good care of me," said Dave with a smile and added, "By the way, what are we having for breakfast?"  Mary replied, "I told you...toast and juice!"

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service."  So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I paid myself. Then I quit  --Steven Wright

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week. It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.
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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44…"  The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"  The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts..."

This is the age Of the half-read page.
And the quick hash And the mad dash.
The bright night With the nerves tight.
The plane hop With the brief stop.
The lamp tan In a short span.
The Big Shot In a good spot.
And the brain strain The heart pain.
And the cat naps Till the spring snaps --
And the fun's done!
Saturday Evening Post 1949.
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Five out of every four Americans have trouble with fractions!
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
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30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN
 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
 2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
 3. Why don't we just cuddle?
 4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
 5. Make it dance.
 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
 7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
 8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
 10. Oh no... a flash headache.
 11. (giggle and point)
 12. Can I be honest with you?
 13. How sweet, you brought incense.
 14. This explains your car.
 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
 16. Why is God punishing me?
 17. At least this won't take long.
 18. I never saw one like that before.
 19. But it still works, right?
 20. It looks so unused.
 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
 23. Are you cold?
 24. If you get me real drunk first.
 25. Is that an optical illusion?
 26. What is that?
 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
 28. Does it come with an air pump?
 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
 30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
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Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
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Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 years old and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.  The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine and I said, "Fuck you!"

Ah, life is good.
Sincerely, Edna
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Stuff Canadians Can Be Proud Of
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch
3. Coffee Crisp
4. The size of our footballs, football fields and one less down
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Mr. Dress-Up can kick Mr. Rogers' ass
9. Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin' Donuts' ass
10. In the war of 1812, Canadians pushed the Americans so far back past their 'White House', we burned it down... and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away so we came home and partied... Go figure.
11. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
12. We have the largest English population that never, ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
13. Our civil war was a big bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
14. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
15. We knew plaid hunting shirts were cool far before Seattle grunge caught on.
16. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.
17. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
18. We still know what to do with all the parts of a moose.
19. We don't marry our kinfolk.
20. We invented insulin, pablum, ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, Zambonis, and long distance and short-wave radios that save countless lives each year.
21. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
22. Oh yeah...and our beer.  It’s got the right kick to it and the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
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I had always thought self-esteem was a state of being. Now I realize it's the constant decision to love myself, regardless of circumstances, all day long.
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Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
 
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
 
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
 
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
 
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
 
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
 
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
 
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
 
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
 
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
 
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose... The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey:
The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.....

Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:

> > >>  a = stinky
> > >>  b = lumpy
> > >>  c = buttercup
> > >>  d = gidget
> > >>  e = crusty
> > >>  f = greasy
> > >>  g = fluffy
> > >>  h = cheeseball
> > >>  i = chim-chim
> > >>  j = poopsie
> > >>  k = flunky
> > >>  l = booger
> > >>  m = pinky
> > >>  n = zippy
> > >>  o = goober
> > >>  p = doofus
> > >>  q = slimy
> > >>  r = loopy
> > >>  s = snotty
> > >>  t = falafel
> > >>  u = dorkey
> > >>  v = squeezit
> > >>  w = oprah
> > >>  x = skipper
> > >>  y = dinky
> > >>  z = zsa-zsa

Use the first letter of your last name to dertermine the first half of your
NEW last name:

> > >> a = diaper
> > >> b = toilet
> > >> c = giggle
> > >> d = bubble
> > >> e = girdle
> > >> f = barf
> > >> g = lizard
> > >> h = waffle
> > >> i = cootie
> > >> j = monkey
> > >> k = potty
> > >> l = liver
> > >> m = banana
> > >> n = rhino
> > >> o = burger
> > >> p = hamster
> > >> q = toad
> > >> r = gizzard
> > >> s = pizza
> > >> t = gerbil
> > >> u = chicken
> > >> v = pickle
> > >> w = chuckle
> > >> x = tofu
> > >> y = gorilla
> > >> z = stinker

Use the last letter of your last name to dertermine the second half of your
NEW last name:

> > >> a = head
> > >> b = mouth
> > >> c = face
> > >> d = nose
> > >> e = tush
> > >> f = breath
> > >> g = pants
> > >> h = shorts
> > >> i = lips
> > >> j = honker
> > >> k = butt
> > >> l = brain
> > >> m = tushie
> > >> n = chunks
> > >> o = hiney
> > >> p = biscuits
> > >> q = toes
> > >> r = buns
> > >> s = fanny
> > >> t = sniffer
> > >> u = sprinkles
> > >> v = kisser
> > >> w = squirt
> > >> x = humperdinck
> > >> y = brains
> > >> z = juice

Thus, for example, George Bush's new name is Fluffy Toiletshorts. Go
figure.