"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
******
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that
he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and
got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it
to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone
had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her
sign back!"
______________________________________________
«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Is this a neat border
or what!
______________________________________________
«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the
hell alone.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
Police Quotes
--------------
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not
to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
***
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"
***
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They
decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over
to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your
St. Patrick was a girly-man."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off ... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off ... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
*************************************************************
David B. Guralnik, former editor in chief of Webster's New World Dictionary
and an internationally known lexicographer, has died.
He is deceased. Extinct. Lifeless. Departed. Extinguished.
***
Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his penis?
He's down to about three butts a day!
***
Why doesn't Bill Clinton get involved in the Elian Gonzalez affair?
Last time he was involved with a Cuban, he was impeached.
***
Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order?
It's called Suture Self.
***
Twelve monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude
model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the
final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to
the ground.
Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, .......and then all
the other bells began to ring....
*********
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements; religion, royalty, sex, and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
***********
How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
I'm just going to work this out on my calculator and I know you will
be pleasantly surprised.
********
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable
to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want
to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave. "Please
sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what
you think."
******
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
to do the dishes?
Both of them.
***
A poor Australian sheep farmer migrated to Texas. Nearly bankrupt,
more misfortune befell when several of his lambs tumbled into large vats
of vegetable dyes reserved for the local Navajo weavers.
Fortunately for him, a wealthy woman who was passing by in her Cadillac
was enthralled by the sight of the colorful lambs cavorting about and ordered
a dozen for pets. Word soon spread of her find
and the Aussie could hardly keep up with the demand for these unique
"status symbols."
He soon became known as...the biggest lamb dyer in all of Texas!
***
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted.
"My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
***** *****
What do you get if you clone Johann Sebastian Bach twice?
A pair of Re-bachs.
***
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the
dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
***
A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid!
Tetanus! Measles!"
She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"
The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots
around here."
***
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
*****
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had
eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one---a
real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM"
They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts
of life.
They warned she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot
Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry----- no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack
and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become
a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as
not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to
watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys
from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out
for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.
She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't
associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other
side of the tracks who advertise Frito-Lay on the side of their trucks.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to
"Idaho P.U."-that's Potato University-where the potatoes come from and
when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him
because he's just a (Now wait on the punch line)
COMMON TATER!!!!!!!!!
****
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he
decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the
rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon
was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and
instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over
and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost.
But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach
thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you
started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
****
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
****
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand
her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in
two people remembering the same thing.
***
A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He
says,
"Can I buy you a drink?"
She replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."
Later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Yes," she responds,
"but it won't do you any good."
After a few drinks, he decides to ask her to his apartment. Again,
she replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."
In his apartment he turns to her and says, "You are the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She replies, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S a different story!! Bring her on out!!!"
****
I am such a tramp in my fantasies! A different woman every couple of
years!
Wanna know what the Lesbian version of the word "menopause" is? MEN?
OH PUHLEEEZE
*****
This guy goes into a bar and asks for 6 shots of the strongest alcohol
the
bartender has. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"
The guy says, "I just found out my brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy goes in to the bar again and asks for 8
shots.
Again, the bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?".
The guy says, "I just found out my son is gay."
Again the next day, the guy goes up to the bartender and asks for 15
shots.
"Damn," the bartender says, " doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah," says the man, "my wife!"
****
A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible,
and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted.
She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining
about the radio.
"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. "Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."
A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.
"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a
second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program.
This is Dr. Laura."
******
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came
into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny
because she said, "I just set my hair."
The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does
it go off?"
***
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping
infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight,
amazement,enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with
eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
****
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk
replies "Your house."
***
I AM AMERICAN....
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or generally well-liked.
I don't live in a clean place, I don't eat nutritiously very often, and
I abandon my car on the side of the interstate until the tires are stolen.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, although I'm certain
they weren't American. I drink watery beer. I don't use utensils
when eating. I believe in guns for settling disputes, not discussions.
And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T.
I don't say "you're welcome" in response to "thank you" , I say "Uh
Huh"
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack...until I go anywhere.
Burger King IS fine dining and Miss America is a virgin.
Ketchup IS a vegetable and WWF wrestling is real.
The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world, The FIRST nation
of ignorance, And the BEST part of Central America!
My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray, I'm married to my sister, and I
AM AMERICAN!
****
DAD'S DAY
-----------
Father's Day is approaching. If you are undecided
about the
perfect gift, we're here to help. Simply choose one word
from
each column and combine them together for the perfect gift --
or
at least an unusual one.
Yes indeed, we have a solution for you. Well,
you might not get
the gift, but you will get a chuckle or two. Smiles included
at no
additionalcost. Be sure to tell us if you find that remote-controlled
digital hedgehog on sale.
--------------------------------------------------------
ONE
TWO
THREE
purple
miniature
mousepad
paisley
triaxial
toaster
combination
shatterproof
monitor
universal
hypoallergenic modem
old-fashioned
interchangeable phone
designer
vibrating
breadbox
virtual
digital
lamp
drag-and-drop
rotary
vacuum
expert
pan-galactic
yellow-sticky holder
color
disposable
razor
mobile
submersible
lemon-zester
marbelized
polarized
chiller
voice-activated
gyroscopic
lawn mower
giant
magnetic
hedgehog
engraved
solar-powered weed-wacker
fur-lined
nuclear
fanny(bum)-pack
remote controlled electric
door-knocker
organic
oscillating
pulverizer
gas-powered
turbo
curling-iron
Internet-ready
flexible
putter
****
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they
end up leaving together. They get back to her place and, as she shows him
around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed
with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
***** ***
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
is expanding, what is it expanding into?
***
A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression.
The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed
again.
***
I wish I were a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum
How could you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum!
******
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, Epheus decided to play a prank.
He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly
colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the
colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
***
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put
a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street."
As she passed by a tavern she thought, "Vy nodt?", so she walked in
and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she
would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have
myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser-Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
************
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breast
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| android breasts
($)($)
Madonna's breasts
****
An anonymous girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending
school in Colorado. Like all college students, she was wrapped up in the
partying and the wildness of being away at school. Jen is a computer
science major and always has a lot of work to do on the computer. So when
she's not out partying, she'll be found on the dorm room floor, working
her butt off designing computer programs and installing software.
Having recently broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years that they had been together. Feeling sad, alone, and depressed, she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get on a chat-line. Being the wild psycho that she is, she logged onto a sex line. Over the line she met a guy named "Jeremy". She started to play with him, gave him a false name of "Katie", and started getting into details about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture herself naked while his hands roamed over every inch of her naked body. Soon they were having cyber sex. This went on for a while, and then she got off line agreeing to meet him on the net the next night.
Saturday night rolls around and Jen, as "Katie" is online with Jeremy again. They became even closer this night, and continued like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about their hopes, feelings, and what they expected out of the future. But Jen didn't tell Jeremy that she was in College because she didn't want him to think that she was immature.
She felt guilty but after a few weeks she found she really liked this
guy.
Their virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the
months eventually turned into a year, they had exchanged their most intimate
thoughts, but had yet to have even one telephone conversation. They were
afraid it would ruin the mystery. "Katie" and Jeremy had done everything
sexually possible over the net. They were affectionate as well, waiting
for the day that they could someday be together.
Finally, the time had come: they had to meet each other. They were in
love.
They didn't care about age, or looks, but only for each other. Jeremy
told "Katie" he thought she could be his NEXT WIFE. Jen was wary at this,
but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him
and he was the only one she wanted to be with for the rest of her life.
They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were going to meet
at a pretty swank hotel, in that town, because it was a halfway point that
both could drive to. And they wouldn't need to worry what they had to do
to recognize each other.
Jen showed up at the resort first, checked into the suite, telling the lady at the counter to keep the extra key for the additional party meeting her. She then went up to the room, wanting things to be special she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he finally got there. The lights were out and the mood was right; then she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner.
She whispered, "Jeremy?" A voice replied "Katie?" "Yes"
she said.
He fumbled for the light, and then turned it on to see Jen on the bed
naked before his eyes. The very next thing heard around the world was the
two most blood curdling screams. Jen covered herself up, and in her most
humiliated voice said
"DAD??!!"
*****
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around
a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children
a work sheet to do.
While they were working she heard a little girl say very Softly, "Damn!"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she
said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?"
*****
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on
the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx
*****
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an
inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made
a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined,"
a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
***
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved
another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director
reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're
ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later
killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to
dry."
***
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend,"
she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child,"
said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage
has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna,
"but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
***
NEW VIRUS!!
This virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know.
Thank you for your cooperation.
****
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry
ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
****
Dutch researchers, writing in a December issue of British Medical Journal,
reported their findings on observing couples engaged in sexual intercourse
while inside MRI machines (modified so the couple would fit inside), for
example, that during missionary-position sex, the penis is not straight
but actually takes the shape of a boomerang.
**** ***
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Roberts looks around
and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws.
Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse
than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will
ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington
walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks
what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing
cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says,
"I'll tell him."
***
An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course
was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in
business?"
He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1867."
***
Lindsay is so small...
...the city limits signs are both on the same post.
...the City jail is called amoeba; it only has one cell.
...the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
...the 7-11 is a 9-5.
...the New Years baby was born in October.
...the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
...a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
...at the last beauty contest, nobody won 1st, 2nd or 3rd
******
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?
*********
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
***
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what
he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how
disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came
out of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like
then, sir?"
The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
***
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine
headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers
that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for
his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the
advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical
school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I
have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.
Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially
around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom,
and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her.
Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and
come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines
for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY
nice house."
***
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no
doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
******
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up
to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors
- green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything
wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was
just wondering if you were my son."
***
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
***
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin............................... and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
***
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying,
"The big sissy."
***
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make
the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked
their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No,
thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
***
I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in
with a password.... now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious
attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the computer asked him
to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...I nearly fell off the chair
from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
<><><><><>
We hear half of what is said, listen to half of what we hear, understand
half of it, believe half of it and remember half of that. - Anonymous
<><><><><>
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic
pal seated next to him at the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd
been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley. And
I know that's a lie because I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
<><><><><>
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
***
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs
the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the
air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez,
all I can smell is molasses."
***
A man was working on his home computer when his daughter snuck up behind
him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, shouting, "I know Daddy's
password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sisters
asked. She replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
asterisk!"
***
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team
for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He
had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't
find a quarterback that would ensure a Superbowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the Superbowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Superbowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom." the young man says into the receiver "I just won the Superbowl."
"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us.
You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads, "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of
thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there
are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."
The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive
you for moving us to Oakland!"
***
Joe walked into his wife's room one day. "If I were disfigured,
would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't hug you any more?" he
asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing
her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Joe went on,
"If I wasn't making six figures any more, would you still love me then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Joe, I'll always
love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
***
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the
sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under
his arm. He yells out "Hey boy,
whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
<><><><><>
All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapades...
Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, not to mention titles for all the other
scandals he's been accused of participating in from the past...
Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- we could
call them "Bill-gates."
Oh, no... No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president
is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people whereas
the head of Microsoft is being accused of....um.....
********
Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens
the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver: "Will this
bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will it
take ME?"
******
It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf
when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes
the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to
the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob.
"Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
Honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank
that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming;
then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just
lying there." Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit
the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there
too, not moving."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? We don't have
a swimming pool... Is this 854-7039?"
***
The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches
for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger
roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths
to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes
and, in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix, herds of
kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's
position).
The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters.
Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.
Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively . . . then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)
The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.
Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have
strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.
***
A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was flying around. He shushed
it away with his hand and it flew in the cow's ear.
He kept milking and the fly came out in the milk bucket.
The farmer thought to himself, "In one ear and out the udder".
***
"How's your mother," a friend asked.
"Not good," I answered. "She's got chronic frontal sinusitis."
"My goodness," the friend said. "Where did she get that?"
"Reader's Digest. Last month's issue."
***
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.
To their surprise, they found the dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch
along the road.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier
in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They
ran to him, cradled him and asked him what had happened?
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.
I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right
in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying bastard!"
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an
unprincipled, lying bastard!"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck suddenly hit us."
***
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches
the boy and says, "Hey Billy, want to play house?" He says, "Sure!
What do you want me to do?" Sally replies, "I want you to communicate
your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy...
"I have no idea what that means." The little girl nods and says,
"Perfect. You can be the husband."
***
"There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
"Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
"I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
"You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's
the car?"
"In the pool."
**
1. informal: socks not required
2. semiformal: two socks required
3. formal: both socks must match
*****
Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty
thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't
work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and
provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel
the policy on my husband."
***
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at
about 3 am.
The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon
hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered
the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain
by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't
sweep a link!"
****
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured
them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then
decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The
insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man
had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated
that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated
to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance
company then had the man arrested . . . for arson.
******
An old couple, both in their 80's, were on a sentimental holiday back
to the pub where they first met. They're sitting having a pint and he says
to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex here over fifty years
ago? We went behind the pub, you leaned against the fence and I made love
to you from behind."
"Oh, Yes!", she says, "I remember it well."
"How about taking a stroll round there again and seeing if we can do
it for old times sake?" "Ooh Henry, you devil, what a good idea".
A man sitting at the next table listening to all this chuckles to himself.
'I've got to see these two old timers trying to have sex against a fence.'
So he follows them.
The old couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support,
aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the fence. The old lady lifts
her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around, the old man moves in, and as she hangs on to the
fence they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen.
They buck and jump like eighteen-year-olds for about forty minutes.
She's yelling "Ohhh God!" and he's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. After a few minutes
of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet
and put their clothes back on. While they recover, the observing
man - who is quite amazed - starts thinking. Has learned something about
life that he didn't know? Do his own aged parents still have sex like this?
Is there something I can learn from this old man that will help me when
I get to be his age?
As the couple pass by, he says to them, "Excuse me. I came out of the pub to take a leak and I happened to see you making love. You must have been at it for about forty minutes! How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No secret, son", the old man pants, "fifty years ago that bloody fence wasn't electric."
>>>
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
***
Q. What is the difference between men and women:....
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
***
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
***
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
***
Why are you so upset?
My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.
So what?
So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one
of the men
I've been telling you about'.
***
Did you hear about the man who crossed an abalone with a crocodile?
He hoped he'd get an abadile. But instead he got a crockabaloney.
***
A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in
each hand
and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other
upon the
bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the bartender. The
bartender was
experienced and had learned not to ask people about the animals that
they
bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.
They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks
had
to go to the restroom. He left the ducks there on the bar. The
bartender
was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they
all looked
at one another.
The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little
conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles
all day! What
else could a duck want?" commented the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck,
"Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I had a ball too! Been in and out of
puddles all day
myself. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again!"
said
the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie!?"
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't even
ask what
kind of day I've had!"
*********
A ventriloquist was out for a drive one day, when his car began hopping
and
wheezing. It finally came to a stop by a long drive and he decided
to walk
toward what appeared to be a farmhouse in the distance up the drive.
"Maybe I can entertain whoever I might find at the house, and thereby
win
their assistance to help me with my car," he thought.
As he turned the last of the slight curves in the drive, he could see
a man
enjoying the warm evening on the porch, just reading a book. "Hello,"
the
ventriloquist called out. "Say, I heard your farm animals calling
me over,
so I thought I'd come see what they
wanted," the man told the farmer.
"What you talking about, mister," the farmer replied, "everyone knows
animals can't talk."
"Oh, sure they can," he said, pointing toward a horse corralled nearby.
"My
friend the farmer treats me very well. Oats in the morning, and
hay all
day!" came the voice from the corral, thrown from the ventriloquist.
"Wow!" said the farmer. That is incredible. Just then, a
chicken strutted
by, and from the chicken's direction came the voice, "Cock-a-doodle-doo.
I
love to live here. Always nice shade to scratch under and plenty
to eat.
Thank you, my farmer friend."
"Just incredible," said the farmer. "Just incredible!" Then
with a
worried tone, the farmer said, "But I can tell you one thing... Whatever
you might hear, the sheep is a liar!"
*********
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do
you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to
go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell
me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting
a group together to go right now."
***
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write,
if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right
your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the
right to copyright the rite you write.
Conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Tom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.
But we all know the right wing isn't, is it?
***
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered
appropriate to place it in an area out of sight.
Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion
left for Mal to take care of.
When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is
for Mal to hide."
***
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street
from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go
in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked
the priest what he was doing. "I'm
blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of
the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
***
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,'
but not in those words.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time,
most of it unsolved.
***
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone
some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer
thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line,
the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer
decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped,
and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The
bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for
some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not
fly."
******
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices
his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down
the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly
he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny
object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old
golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here,
I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:
"What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:"Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like
you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
***
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ...and you check
the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit
songs during
the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls
out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the
Psalms of
your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed
in either
the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand:
"Who gave
you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to
turn to
First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime
story:
"Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
****
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark.
We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The
communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work
on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the
error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the
wrong tree!"
***
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to
be a little patient."
>^,,^< >^,,^<
>^,,^< >^,,^<
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily
married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then
Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have
the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.'
"
***
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional
5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't
know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up jogging
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health
club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently
you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my
brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when
they are taken by people who annoy me. The advantage of exercising every
day is that you die healthier. I would go cross-country skiing, but Canada
is too damn big. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of
my glass.
****
Dave:I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty