A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Howard," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Howard proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
<><><>
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible. The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.
Moral: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
<><><>
ADVICE TO GIVE YOUR DAUGHTERS
1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put
them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out
alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it
yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are
too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered the desert for 40 years. even in
biblical times, men won't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
<><><>
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday.
It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round
of golf on his days off.
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."
<><><>
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it
headed?"
<><><>
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth
orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world'.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
<><><>
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school, he discovered that he is the
only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really
bothered him. One day the teacher asked the class, "Who was the greatest
person who ever lived? and why?" To make it interesting she held a twenty
dollar bill in the air and said, "Whoever gives the best answer will get
this twenty dollars."
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said, "George Washington, because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent," said the teacher.
Another said, "Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good," said the teacher, reluctant to bestow the reply
of 'excellent,' but still being polite.
One little girl said, "Joan of Arc, because she saved France."
"Another excellent choice," said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz raised his hand.
So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was
the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
And Abraham said, "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised.
Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars."
And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham
why he said Jesus:
Abraham said, "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person
who ever lived, but business is business!"
<><><>
Wife...lets go out and have fun tonight.
Husband.....okay! but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light
on.
<><><>
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top
and you sit on the bottom.
<><>
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it
<><>
Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.
<><>
I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid
before I can ask where I left my glasses.
<><>
I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in
Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck
<><>
Frisbeetarianism, n.:The belief that when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck.
God is love Love is blind Ray Charles is blind Therefore, Ray Charles
is God
Hindu speaking to a "Born again" christian: "Of course I am born again.
And again and again and again."
"I don't mind those who are born again, just as long as they don't
think that they get twice as many rights."
Why be born again, when you can just grow up?
Blasphemy is a blast for me.
Traveller: God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer.
Farmer: You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn't around.
If there were an afterlife, Isaac Asimov would have written a book about
it by now.
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion
is answers that may never be questioned.
A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded
.45
"Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich"
If Jesus loves me, why doesn't he ever send me flowers?
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
You Go Yahweh - and I'll go Mine!
God hated the world so much that he sent his only son so that whoever
does not believe in him will perish and be denied eternal life.
"The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages-- as if the
savages weren't dangerous enough already."
<><>
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss Bank."[Woody Allen] "Not only is God
dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." [Woody Allen]
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." [Woody Allen]
"As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on." [Woody Allen]
-------
"Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent and the serpent didn't have
a leg to stand on."
<><>
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There's no place like http://www.accesskansas.org/
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
net and you’ll never see him again.
<><><>
Yo Mama So Fat she fell in love and she broke it
Yo Mama So Fat she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters
Yo Mama So Fat her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is
just as big
Yo Mama's so old when God said let there be light, she flipped the
switch
Yo House is so Nasty the roaches wear shoes
<><><>
OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
Sag, You're It!
Kick the Bucket.
Doc, Doc Goose
Hide and Go Pee
<><><>
My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new
house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling
their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to
move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor
were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never
be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was
ready to receive us.
Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked
where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently
on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "after September 15,
all work will be supervised by 5 children."
<><><>
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in
the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins
splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he
can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the
bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
<><><>
What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage.
Who makes bras for brunettes? Fisher-price.
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.
<><><>
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going
to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women
and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies,
"The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did
you know?" "I don't like her."
<><>
Life is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far
as the headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.
<><>
A drummer got bored with his instrument and decided to take up the
accordion instead. Walking into a music shop, he spotted one he liked and
asked the shopkeeper, "how much is that accordion by the wall?" The shopkeeper
looked at him and said, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Yes, how did you
know?" he said. "That's the radiator."
<><><>
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah" The
teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him."
<><><>
Hanging in the hallway at Eastdale Collegiate in Oshawa, Ont. are the
basketball team pictures from the past 25 years. A player in the center
of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year
-- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc. One day I spotted a freshman looking
curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how
the teams always lost by one point?"
<><><>
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first
night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very
first night, he was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush asked the
ghost, "President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country?" Set an honest and honorable example, just as
I did," advised Washington.
With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep
well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved
through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country?" Bush asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of
the government," Jefferson answered. Bush still couldn't sleep
well, and much later he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could
do to help the country?" Bush asked. Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."
<><><>
More Great Things About Being Gay
You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing
suit.
Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about
their boyfriends. And that means everything.
You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous,"
You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
You only wear polyester when you mean to.
You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better
than you did in high school.
You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
You have at least one movie musical on video.
You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
You know how to make an entrance.
You know when to make an exit.
You worry about people you don't even know -- like Liza Minnelli.
You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
You know how to program your VCR.
Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
You know when to play dumb.
You know what to do for a hangover.
Yes, you do have a condom.
You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
You made Donna Summer a star.
You made Donna Summer a has-been.
Tanning salons were invented for you.
You've made sunbathing a performance art.
You know when the party's over.
You know where to go after the party's over.
You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily
a compliment.
You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
A two seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
All your friends do not have to "get along".
When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
You've got a large assortment of movie star biographies.
You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are nonverbal.
You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
You really have "been there, done that,"
<><><>
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can
keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need them, but not every day.
Men are like.....Coolers. Fill them with beer, and you can take
them anywhere.
Men are like.....Government Bonds. They take soooo long to mature.
Men are like....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
<><><>
A young man wanted to get his blonde girlfriend something nice for
their first anniversary.
So the young man decides to buy her a cell phone. The girlfriend is all excited, she just loves her new phone. The young man patiently and carefully shows his blonde girlfriend all of the features on the new phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. The new cell phone rings and it's her young man.
"Hi hun," the young man says "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as Tinkerbell
but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, babe?"
asks the young man. "How'd you know I was at Wal-mart?"
<><><>
Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
"Some leaders are born women." - United Nations conference slogan
<<<
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to
seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, laid on the couch, spilled
his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make
him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat
thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think
your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
<<< <<<
A good pun is its own reword.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in.
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot.- Groucho
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice.- - - Foghorn Leghorn
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
He should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up
to.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and
quoted.
This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be
hurled with great force.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -
- - Winston Churchill
Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf."
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
<><>
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?"
asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? " "There was a long
pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"
<><><>
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and
the
person at the front desk says "go ahead."
<><><>
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
<><><>
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
<><><>
At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle
and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should
point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these nazi fokkers were flying
Messerschmidts."
<><><>
Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the
first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my
bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving
me." The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
<><><>
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly
Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said.
"I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you
must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."
St. Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected.
While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan woman happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming mean remarks, and weeping piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"
St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day. It never ends; there they stand each day, complaining about your people's revelry and "sinful" ways."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?" Peter leaned conspiratorially
toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell,
made real by their attitudes and remarks. See, God doesn't like being
told what He thinks!"
<><><>
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.
The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several
wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come
from?"
<<<
"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession
of character." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you
have, for instance." -- Franklin P. Adams, American journalist
<<<
Little Johnnie is bored out of his mind one day, bothering his mother
with never ending questions and following her around. Finally she
says to him, "Johnnie, why don't you go next door to the house they are
building and see what you can learn over there."
So Johnnie goes next door and comes back in about an hour. His mother asks what he learned. Johnnie says, "Well, you take the fucking 2x4 and bang it up real good. Then if the piece of shit doesn't line up, you bang it up a cunt hair until it's square..."
His mother says in horror, "Go to your room and wait for your father to come home. In the meantime, give some serious thought to your behavior, young man!"
Johnnie's father comes home sometime later and his mother asks Johnnie to tell him what he said earlier. Johnnie says, "Well, you take the 2x4...."
His father looks at him in horror as he repeats what he said earlier with no shame whatsoever "Boy, go out to the tree in the back yard and prepare a switch. I'm going to give you a good whipping for this behavior.
Johnnie says, "Fuck the switch. That's the electricians job!"
<><><>
The big thing today is The big thing today is computer dating. If you
don't know how to run a
computer it really dates you.
<><><>
Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:
- Name something that floats in the bath - Water
- Name something a blind person might use - A sword
- Something associated with the police - Pigs
- Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
- Something slippery - A con man
- Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
<><><>
WARNING: If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting
a
survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT show him your tits.
This
is a scam and he is only trying to see your tits.
<><><>
Please be advised that you may be scheduled for an "Optorectomy procedure"
on an involuntary basis. The purpose of this operation would
be to sever the cord that connects your rectum to your retinas and, hopefully,
alleviate your shitty outlook on life, should it be necessary. Your
behavior and treatment of others will be the defining factor in our decision.
<><><>
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate
on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one, they
offered their evidence:
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
1. His name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he
was God
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just
DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work
for him to do.
<><><>
A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They
could only muster eight players, but finally found a ninth to play.
In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their
team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat.
On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. "Run!" his
teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't
run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy
you chaps another ball."
<><><>
A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, "When you
die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold
As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
<><><>
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed
her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas
women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband
that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
<><><>
The wages of sin are eternal damnation. The hours are pretty
good though.
God is a comic playing to an audience afraid to laugh.
Roses are reddish Violets are bluish When the Messiah really
comes You'll wish you were Jewish.
<><><>
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the
face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
<><><>
Anagrams!
George Bush : He bugs Gore
Evangelist : Evil's Agent
Slot Machines : Cash lost in 'em
Mother-in-law : Woman Hitler
Eleven plus two : Twelve plus one
President Clinton Of The USA: To Copulate He Finds Interns
<><><>
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel
pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the
marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said
to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
<><><>
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his
old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going Coochy Coo...?" asked the wife. "I'm going to
the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to
him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator
and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:
Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what
to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but
the bar you know...the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish
the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen
glass Puppy Face?" She takes a mug out of the freezer so frozen that she
was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres
Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips,
etc.
"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty
words and all that. .."
"You want dirty words Cutie Pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T
GOING TO START TOMCATTING ON ME YOU ASSHOLE!
<><><>
Did you know that it is a medically proven fact that people with the
most birthdays live the longest?
<><>
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to
see his doctor. The doctor suggested that the man could solve his
problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter
pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed, naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. When he prematurely reached that moment, he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
The next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results.
He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife
screamed, I fell off the bed, and my neighbor came out of the closet with
his hands in the air!
<><><>
To be without enemies is to be without character. – Paul Newman
<><><>
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just
come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,
"I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"
<><><>
Caller: I'd like the number of the Finlay Knitwear Company in Woven,
Scotland.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
<><><>
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
<><><>
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up beside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied ... as she thought to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area." he informed her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate
woman. "But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true" she replied, "but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN.
<><><>
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse
every year.
<><><>
Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting
a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months
of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she
delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to
see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly
the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife. "There's
no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters
I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband's Checkup
After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office. The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and a especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he'll pull through."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told
her. "You're going to die." she replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband
down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured
it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. I'm going
to set the garage on fire. You do what you want to."
<><><>
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all
night.
IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
<><><>
To err is human; to purr, feline.
To err is human; two curs, canine.
To err is human; to do nothing, benign.
To err is human; to quit, resign.
To err is human; to moo bovine.
To err is human; to admit it, asinine.
<><>
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
<><>
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
<><>
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll through the
neighborhood, she came upon a gentlemen who had a beautiful garden full
of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the him, "What do you do to
get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well,
twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself,
and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The lovely young woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked, "By the way, how did
you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
<><><>
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
<><><>
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
~~~~~~
I am having an out of money experience.
~~~~~~
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
~~~~~~~
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stop laughing.
<><><>
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN...
- Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
- You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on
line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
- You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life
jacket.
- They pay your wages out of petty cash.
- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed,
and have less than you've ever had.
- You tell the barber what you think about his prices before
you get your haircut.
- Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation
budget.
- The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
- A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid
to tell your wife.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
- Your pacemaker has a thirty day guarantee.
- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
- The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes
out.
<><><>
A man is driving and sees a sign which reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION -10 MILES. He thinks it was a figment of his imagination
and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...SISTERS OF
MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES. Realizing these signs are
for real, he drives on and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF
MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best
of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking
lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS
OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION.
He climbs the steps, rings the bell and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.
The man does as he is told and this door is opened by another nun in
a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please
place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end
of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup.
He trots eagerly down the hallway and slips through the door, pulling it
shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the
parking lot, facing another small sign, "Go in Peace. You have just
been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
<><>
For sale: Large crystal vase by a lady slightly cracked.
<><><>
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What
was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"
"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."
"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked.
"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found
the one who was dead."
<><><>
Four ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their
children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second
Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into
a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but
my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your
Eminence'. The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?" She replies,
"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say, "My God...."
<><><>
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle,
and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says,
I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!" The
man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "I'm on the wrong bus!"
Remember, it's the thought that counts. Think money.
Math and alcohol do not mix, so don't drink and derive!
Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them
to me.
Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends
will leave footprints in your heart. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><><>
Drinking removes warts and dimples. Not from me, but from those I look
at. - Jackie Gleason
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"
It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.
<><><>
Candidate A: associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a
day.
Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
<><>
You know you've spent too much time on the computer when you spill
milk and the first thing you think is, 'Edit, Undo.'
<><>
A Kansas tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted
the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept,
and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs.
"I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
<><>
You can let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.
<><><>
BARTENDER: I think you've had enough sir.
DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy
BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
DRUNK: It was almost impossible.
<><>
An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring
the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple,
naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!" and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Pierre the doctor.
Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember,
it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."
Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand.
Ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon
dieu!" grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope,
and other tools and
jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove
back to Albert, who was waiting at the station. He got there, went inside,
and smiled patiently at the old Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not
worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English."
<><><>
A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several
other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to
the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened
the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report
to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
<><><>
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company,
of course, does not have a sense of humor, and made the web department
take it down immediately.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1.[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name:....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name...............................................
Password: ............................ (max. 8 char)
Code Name: .............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19.... /..... /....
4. Serial Number: .......................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_]
Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_]
Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:)
[_]
Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's cheque
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating
/ sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running
/ jogging
[_] Propaganda
/ misinformation
[_] Destabilization
/ overthrow
[_] Default
on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black
market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles
/ collections
[_] Watching
sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation
/ torture
[_] Household
pets
[_] Crushing
rebellions
[_] Espionage
/ reconnaissance
[_] Fashion
clothing
[_] Border
disputes
[_] Mutually
Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
Marketing Department Military,
Aerospace Division
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.
No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the
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of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to
learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning
backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However,
by pouring
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received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and
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<><><>
After a long illness, an Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the
eye. "I've some bad news for you ... you have cancer and it can't be cured.
I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy was shocked and saddened
by the news, but being of solid character he managed to compose himself
and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room where his son had
been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are
good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,
things aren't so well. I've cancer and have been given a short
time to live, so let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy said, "The Irish celebrate the good and the bad, so we're drinking to my impending end. I've only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
Murphy's friends gave him their condolences and they had a couple more
beers. After the friends left, Murphy's confused son leaned over and whispered,
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. But you
just told your friends you were dying from AIDS." "I am dying from
cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after
I'm gone."
<><><>
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
o*"
"*o.o*" "*o.
o"
"o"
"o
o
o
o
o
\o/
o
o
--0--
o
o
/o\
o
o
o
o
""oo,,,,,,,,,,,,,,oO-'Oo ,,,,,,,,,oo"
o """"""
oo """"" o
o
oo
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
You have just been e-mooned!
<><><>
They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full
of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole
thing.
<><><>
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he
sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes
and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He
reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites
him to the theater, followed by drinks. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and
stay for breakfast.
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies....you just happened to catch my eye."
<><><>
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took
along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and
commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said
"That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
<><><>
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender
looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya...
where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th'
hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts
out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
<><><>
An ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the
time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island.
A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing
to shore. He asks her where she's come from. "I was shipwrecked last
year," she says. "I've been stranded on the other side of the island."
"Where did you get the rowboat?" "I made it out of gum trees and
palm branches," she replies. "But you had no tools!" he says.
"I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue."
The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can't believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. "Now, tell me," she says, looking deep into his eyes. "Is there something you've been desiring while you've been alone? You know..."
"Do you mean," he whispers, "I can check my E-mail from here!?!"
<><><>
animousity - vigorously clicking your pointer device because a page
is loading too slowly.
automagically - something that automatically works but nobody knows
why
schmoodlapp - a "danglish" word (combination of german and english)
a total idiot/dolt
sheepdoggin - When one attemps to coherse a group of people into an
action by gentle prodding.
<><><>
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the
way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out
of?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running
child?
<><><>
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one: Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.
With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key –
But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as
hard.
Luck was just not in the cards. I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation: Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight: A bold and blinding flash of light
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die "Oh no -- my database", I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data Nevermore."
To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well, I fear that it goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell. Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
<><><>
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing,
he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it
was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went
to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had
finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair
and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach
chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and
put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages,
but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the
page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will
tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach
chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the
pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were
the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."
<><><>
My Friend
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to
your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until your well again. I don't
want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because
you're my friend!
<><><>
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be
a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did
excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water
cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin
and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
<><>
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
<><>
When making your choices in life, do not neglect to live.