What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?
If you put your brain in a Jaybird it would fly backwards.
(S)he has been granted the Master of the Obvious status!
It's about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
That guy is so stingy he would skin a fart to get the grease!
If you push me over the edge, I'm grabbing your ass on the way down.
That is as useful as a fur-lined syrup pitcher.
(S)he drives like a sausage.
<><>
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . .
hawk, lion, and stinker.
<><>
What do Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Abe Lincoln all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
<><><>
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils:
people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
<><>
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
 
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
 
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
 
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY!  THE TWIST!!  IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
<><><>
Tomb it may concern...
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
It had no body to dance with!
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them!
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? - - - He's all right now.
What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? - - - Decomposing.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? - - - He is mist.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?Wrap!
What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?A Skelle-tan
What's the difference between a ghost and a butcher? One stays awake and the other weighs a steak!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts!
Where can you find Dracula?Looking for his necks victim!
<><><
Signs You're Burned Out from Too Much Work
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell".
9.  Your best friend calls to ask how you've been and you immediately scream, "Get off by back, BITCH!".
8.  Your garbage can is you're "in" box.
7.  You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6.  You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
5.  Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4.  You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.
3.  You leave for a party and instinctively bring you're briefcase.
2.  Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
and the Number One Sign You're Burned Out from Too Much Work.....
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
<><>
Adults are just kids who owe money.
<><>
I went on a fourteen day diet and all I lost was two weeks
<><>
It is ridiculous claiming that video games influence children. For instance, if Pac-man affected kids who were born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music.  Oh.... they do..... never mind
<><>
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
<><>
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs.  The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"

The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!"  And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!"

So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat him up. Then they got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick pig, "Who the heck were those guys?"

And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."
<><><>
Q. If all the cars in the country were pink, what would we have?
A. A pink car nation.
<><><>
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
<><><>
Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents.

I finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church.  But at first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight.

The description read, "Instructions for the Assembly of God."
<><><>
My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am.
<><><>
All men are animals, some just make better pets.
<><><>
All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day.
<><><>
A Blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.  Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. 'My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"  "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the lady chirped." Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!

I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." Oh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and  forth."
<><><>
I've been sort of crabby lately. It's that time of the month again--the rent's due.
<><><>
It is OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.
<><>
If you should ever come across a time bomb and there's only a few seconds left, press 'Snooze'
<><>
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.  "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"  The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
<><>
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived
from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in
the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate bars also contain milk, which is dairy.
Two food groups.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit.  So if you're a vegetarian, you're done.
<><><>
The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.  She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"  "Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."  She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down.  "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.
 
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
<><><>
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat.  So don't trouble the other employees".  The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.  One of our cleaners has disappeared however.  Do any of you know what happened to her?"  The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"  A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool!  For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
<><><><>
I am the worst driver. I should just drive a hearse and cut out the middleman.
<><><><>
President Bush met the with Queen last week for the very first time.  I think they hit it off.  The Queen never won the popular vote, she inherited the job from her father, and they both have embarrassing relatives.
<><><><>
If you took NyQuil and No-Doz at the same time, would you dream you couldn't sleep?
<><><><>
I am sorry I offended you - I should have lied.
<><><><>
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.  The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way.  You can't do that."  The Queen says, "Watch this."  So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."  The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."  So the Pope head-butts her.
<><><>
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still  with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly.  He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
<><><>
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
<><><>
A woman walks into a shop that sells very EXPENSIVE Persian rugs.  She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.  As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.  Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.  As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.  "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today ?"  Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"  He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!"
<><><>
Why Men Are Not Secretaries

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called.  They said Pabst beer is normal.
<><><>
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
<><><>
You get a lot of tension.  you get a lot of headaches.  I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
<><><>
Cat:
1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert impersonator.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
<><><>
Sometimes you are sad....and no one sees your tears.
Sometimes you are happy....and no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time....
<><><>
Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters.  They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard  worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.
<><><>
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
<><><>
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
<><><>
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
In dog years, I'm dead.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
<><><>
In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers were talking about reincarnation.  One teacher remarked "If there's anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I'd like to come back as."
"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.
"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood disease."
<><><>
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them
<><><>
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
<><><>
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.  - Mark Twain
<><><>
Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician....0.1714
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.
 <><><>
A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view.
<><><>
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"
<><><>
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid.  The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad.  So I rented him a tuxedo."
<><><>
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down
"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"
<><><>
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
<><><>
John:   "Why are you so upset?"
Ted:   "My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."
John:   "So what?"
Ted:   "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband.  You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'."
<><><>
Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?  They don't have time.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
<><><>
Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
<><><>
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
<><><>
Where do you want to go?  "Heaven!"  And what do you have to be to get there? "Dead!"
<><><>
At the Olympics in Barcelona, some of the locals were entered in equestrian
events. Other contestants were surprised to note that the Spanish riders
guided their horses with so much slack in the reins that they actually hung
down across the horses' necks.

When asked why they preferred such a relaxed stance, the locals proudly
announced.......

"The reins in Spain fall plainly on the mane."
<><><>
Weight an evangelist carries with God:  1 billigram.
<><><>
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
<><><>
ALOHA OY:   Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know
<><>
I go to couples therapy. I go alone. There are two therapists.
<><><>
Do you think that Gary Condit's behavior is comparable to Bill Clinton's?  Close but no cigar.
<><><>
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"  "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."  "Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.  "That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
<><><>
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
<><><>
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.  "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."   "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
<><><>
When dieting, be careful of sugar substitutes.  I had a friend who overused substitute sweeteners.  She died of artificial diabetes.
<><><>
A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was flying around.  He shushed it away with his hand and it flew in the cow's ear.
He kept milking and the fly came out in the milk bucket.  The farmer thought to himself, "In one ear and out the udder".
<><><>
There was this old couple who was having trouble remembering things, so they signed up for a memory course. The course was wonderful. They went home and told all of their relatives, friends and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approached the old man as he tended the garden.
"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?" the neighbor asked.
"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute," Ed pondered. "What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems?"
"You mean a rose?" the neighbor said.
"Yeah, that's it!" Ed said. Then shouting toward the house he yelled, "Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?"
<><><>
My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading.
<><><>
The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.
The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate.
"Is it a bee?" another student asked. "Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat."
<><><>
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
<><><>
Thank God his didn’t have an airbag! A motorist seriously choking on a
hamburger, inadvertently gave himself a life-saving Heimlich maneuver when,
having lost control of the car, he smashed into a utility pole and was
thrust forward against the steering wheel.
<><><>
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp."
 
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'
<><><>
A doctor sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady
on his arm!
The next time the old man had an appointment, the doc says, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
"I didn't say that... I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"
<><><>
The Benefits of Growing Older
 
* You can eat dinner at 4:00
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
* Your eyes won't get much worse.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
* You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
* You get the weather channel on your basic cable package.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
AND REALLY NOT FUNNY!
(from News of the Weird)
 
In May, the Washington state legislature's student anti-bullying bill was
stalled by lobbying from Christian conservatives, who believe the law would
make it harder for them to scold gay and lesbian school kids for their
"immoral" lifestyles.
<><><>
The R.J. Reynolds tobacco company was revealed to have begun a marketing
campaign in the early 1990s in San Francisco directed at homeless smokers
and gay smokers, and to have called its program "Project SCUM" (which it
said referred to "subculture urban marketing").
<><><>
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.
"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.
Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"
<><><>
Town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the towns people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

 "SHIT!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
<><><>
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my feet?'" Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:
"It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as
'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook,

Switched-On Hebonics.

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
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As a doctor completed his examination of the patient he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."   The patient replied, "In that case I'll come back when you're sober!"
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One day, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
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A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow."Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics
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In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
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Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale skinny people who look half-dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.
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These are  a bunch of my Uncle Epheus’ inventions…
Black Highlighter
Braille Driver's Manual
Clear Correction Fluid
Fake Rhinestones
Inflatable Dart Board
Mesh Umbrella
Motorcycle Air Conditioner
Sugar-Coated Toothpaste
Super-glue Post-it Notes
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Vernan had just received his drivers license. The family went out to the driveway and climbed in the car, so he could take them for a ride for the first time. Vern’s father immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind his son.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the his dad.

His father replied, "Nope, I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
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President George W. Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency; "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the American President cried. "That's my people's favorite form of birth control! We can't have an abortion boom now! This is a disaster!"
"George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.
"Oh, and one small favour, please?" said President George W.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long,with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Canada.
"I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway and sen'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge, blanc et bleu in colour, that least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem; MADE IN CANADA, size: SMALL.
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A lawyer is walking down the street, and he accidentally steps in a pile of dog poop.  A few seconds later he happens to be looking down at his feet, and he notices it dripping from his shoe. He screams, "Aaahhhh!   I'm melting!"
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Animals may be our friends, but they wont pick you up at the airport.
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Between yesterday's regrets and tomorrow's dreams is today's opportunity.
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A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.  "You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.  "No, no, no!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated
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If people on Jeopardy are so smart, then why can't they write names better?
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There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada.  Well, there's a very simple answer......   Nobody bothered to check the oil.  We just didn't know we were getting low.  The reason for that is purely geographical.  All our oil is in Alberta. All our dipsticks are in Ottawa.
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I would go cross-country skiing, but Canada is too damn big.
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You know you're from Canada when ...
You only know three spices:  salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your motorcycle.
You have a favourite recipe for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You've taken kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
At least once a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons:  Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
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SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CANADIAN:

You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba,  it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You participated in "Participaction".
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
You possess a Canadian passport like every international assassin / terrorist / spy in the world,
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You know what a toque is.
You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Springer is not.
You know Toronto is not a province.
Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
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Stuff Canadians Can Be Proud Of
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch
3. Coffee Crisp
4. The size of our footballs, football fields and one less down
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Mr. Dress-Up can kick Mr. Rogers' ass
9. Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin' Donuts' ass
10. In the war of 1812, Canadians pushed the Americans so far back past their 'White House', we burned it down... and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away so we came home and partied... Go figure.
11. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
12. We have the largest English population that never, ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
13. Our civil war was a big bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
14. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
15. We knew plaid hunting shirts were cool far before Seattle grunge caught on.
16. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.
17. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
18. We still know what to do with all the parts of a moose.
19. We don't marry our kinfolk.
20. We invented insulin, pablum, ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, Zambonis, and long distance and short-wave radios that save countless lives each year.
21. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
22. Oh yeah...and our beer.  It’s got the right kick to it and the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
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A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American:  "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??" Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.  In the States, we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."  The American has a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listens in silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"
Canadian: "Of Course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs  in containers, recycle them,  transform them into jam and sell  the jam to Canada."
The Canadian then asks:  "Do you have sex in  the States?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American:  "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."
***
George set out on a very windy night to see his friend Sam, who was sick in bed. Hours later, George dragged his weary body into Sam's house, and collapsed on the couch, exhausted. "I'll tell you," George said, when he had caught his breath, "it was just brutal. For every step I took forward, I fell back two."
"So how did you ever make it over here?" Sam asked.
"Well," George replied, "after a while I decided to give up, so I turned around and headed for home."
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A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child  said to her mother. Then she added.,  "Mommy can't come to the phone  to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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Ten civil servants standing in a line,
One of them was downsized - then there were nine.
Nine civil servants who must negotiate,
One joined the union - then there were eight.
Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,
'Til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.
Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified - then there were six.
Six civil servants trying to survive,
One of them was privatised - then there were five.
Five civil servants ready to give more,
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.
Four civil servants full of loyalty,
Their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.
Three civil servants under review,
One left on secondment - then there were two.
Two civil servants coping on the run,
One went on stress leave - then there was one.
The last civil servant agreed to relocate,
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.
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"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.  One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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When my sister got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress.
The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion.  "You're gaining a son."  "Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "O Canada."   And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."-Lily Tomlin
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I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.
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May I take your order? the waiter asked.
Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?
Nothing special, sir. he replied. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.
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An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.
The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole.  Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."
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"Doc, I can hear all kinds of animals talk in my head."
"Well, don't worry," said the doctor. "You're just having Disney spells."
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Last summer, I took my wife camping for the first time.  At every opportunity, I passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods.  I tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, I spotted a small cabin off in the distance. I pulled out my binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our campsite.
"That was terrific," she said.  "How did you do it?"
"Simple," I  replied.  "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."
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A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.  When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
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Most people work hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. -George Carlin
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I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
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When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
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Uncle Epheus started working on the farm when he was a young fella.  He used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out or more than two full minutes. . .
Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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Aunt Cliela, now 75, was eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning with Minnie, her best friend.  Minnie noticed something funny about Cliela's ear. She said, "Cliela, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said: "Minnie, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
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A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Rover, search."
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of a small amount of marijuana, not enough to bother with but I’ll make sure she flushes it before we land."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, I'm making a note of his seat number and I’ll alert the port authorities when we land."
"That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"
The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"
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A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalm 51:2-4  knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax.  I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
Sincerely, Anonymous Taxpayer
P.S.  If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
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"If your outgo exceeds your income, it won't be long before your upkeep is your downfall."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's heavy.'
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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"  The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"  The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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One evening a man was very impressed with the meal his wife had served.
"What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
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Up north, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Uncle Epheus decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest ski lift, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Aunt Cliela and Cousin Vern were sittin' on the porch when Vern spots the biggest bird he ever seen! “ Look at the size of that bird, Cleek!" he exclaims.

Aunt Cliela runs into the house, brings out the shotgun.  She takes careful aim. BANG... BANG..... BANG..... BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed” says Vern.

"Yeah," she replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Epheus!"
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Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
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How To Sing The Blues (A Guide)
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1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest  face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:
"Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got  teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500  pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.  Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor
pools ain't even in the running. Walk-in's plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.  Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is
just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.  Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it, is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.  The lighting is  wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or go sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen  to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other  acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a. Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot.  You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
<><><>
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Nun.
<><>
Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman. The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off. At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles. Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams' but were unable to reattach them.
<><><>
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! -- Tom Lehrer
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every 12 minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling
This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Jay Leno
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -- H.L. Mencken
An egotist is a man who plays too big a part in his own life.- Mo Dest
<><><>
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.   "Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.
"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
<><><>
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail  my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
<><><>
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by you again?
<><><>
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."  The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend and he said: "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands.   The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold."   The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"  Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies "Well they make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
<><><>
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."
She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
<><><>
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to a photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on. "I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."
<><><>
"Some of the narrowest minds are found in the fattest heads."
<><><>
Little boy blue, he needed the money.
<><><>
Here are some conversations, which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers:
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.  You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy.  I'll try again later."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
><>
In Sydney, Australia one of the radio stations pays money ($1000-$5000)
for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the  winner $5000....
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist.
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been
rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women
do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time
I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing
gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in
"that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced
to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing
the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of
the room and pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little
surprised when the doctor said,  "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
but I didn't respond.
When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.  The rest of the day
was normal--some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.  After school while my six-year-old daughter
was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get
another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It
had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
<><><>
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed
to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her
grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart
attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex
at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother
replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church
bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."
 
She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice
cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
<><><>
"Places I'd Rather Not Live In..."
Paradox, New York
Crapo, Maryland
Boogertown, North Carolina
Spasticville, Kansas
Hellhole, Idaho
Purgatory, Maine

What would Freud say about...
Climax, Michigan
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton's Home Town?)
Hardup, Utah
Dildo, Newfoundland
Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Hornytown, North Carolina
Conception Junction, Missouri
 
It doesn't surprise me that there is a...
Rudeville, New Jersey
Boring, Oregon
Hell, Michigan
Hooker, California
Virgin, Utah
Dulls Corner, Maryland
Bowlegs, Oklahoma
Volcano, Hawaii
Beersville, Pennsylvania
Fleatown, Ohio
Burnt Corn, Alabama
Two Guns, Arizona
Toad Suck, Arkansas
<><><>
"I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
<><><>
In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) The American thought - "That fucking Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."
><><><
"Tell me who you love, and I'll tell you who you are." - Creole proverb
><><><
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's ok with you...
><><><
"Money doesn't talk, it swears."-Bob Dylan
><><><
A rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual "kibitzing." "This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you're tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?"

The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."
<><>
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
<><><>
"I had a dream that I was, driving down a freeway and slamming into everyone, just slamming into them. From side to side to side, right to left, all the way down the freeway. Not hurting anyone, though, just knocking the phones out of their hands."
<><><>
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
<>
I get those maternal feelings, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote. 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"
<>
Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.
<>
The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam.   Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud as they realized how much material they had covered and were expected to recall.  The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, "Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!"
<><><>
The Patient said, "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. I mean so much could go wrong. What are the chances?"  The Ophthalmologist replied, "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."
<>
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your hand.
<><><>
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.  One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
<><><>
There is a man in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband "You need more tail."
 
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, Honey.  Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
<><><>
"I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze."
<><><>
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
<><><>
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
 
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."
 
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
<><><>
Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the fuck is the ceiling?"
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
There is an angel inside of me whom I am constantly shocking.
<><>
RIGOR MORRIS:
The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID:
Honk if you're Scottish

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?:
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI:
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

COGITO EGGO SUM:
I think, therefore I am ... a waffle

LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI:
The king is dead. No kidding

POSH MORTEM:
Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO:
Support your local clown

HASTE CUISINE:
Fast French food

QUIP PRO QUO:
A fast retort

ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know

MAZEL TON:
Tons of luck

VISA LA FRANCE:
Don't leave your chateau without it
<><><>
After marrying a young gal, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.   "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."   "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot the bear."   "Exactly," replied the doctor.
><><>
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? Been there, done that and done that and done that and done that.
My self-esteem has sunk to a new low. Next week I begin a job working as a speed bump.
I've been eating so much salmon lately I'm beginning to drive against traffic.
When I was a kid my parents made me take piano moving lessons.
<><><>
 MORE KIDS BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Robert: Dad's New Wife
Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Your Nightmares Are Real
Where Would You Like to be Buried?
You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
Grandpa Gets a Casket
101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
<><><>
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
<><>
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.  As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg enough in the confines of her skirt.
 
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.  Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg enough to make the step.
 
With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and still unable to make the step.  About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch me?!  I don't even know you!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
<><><>
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
<><>
Rubberneck:  what you do to relax your wife
<><>
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice... for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so.
<><>
"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it." - Mother Teresa (dead)
<><><>
TOY DISCLAIMERS
* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
* Some dismemberment may occur.
* Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
* Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $700 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Playstation 2 -- especially when you've already got a Dreamcast and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.
* Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
* Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
*Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
* NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
* Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
<><><>
Despite his best sales pitch, a life insurance salesman was unable to  get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to  frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave.  "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."
<><><>
A first grade class comes in from recess.  Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"  Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good.  Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.  Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."  Teacher says, "Good.  If you write 'box" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Morris does and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at recess.  He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."  Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you?  That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.  If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
<><><>
Luckily I've got a woman who loves me for my money and my fame, and not for who I am.  -Rodney Dangerfield
<><><>
Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery- I cut up her credit cards." ~ Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"   The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."  "Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"
<><>
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.  After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem.  I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck.  He's still wriggling - what should I do?''
<><>
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."  The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.  "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."  "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.  "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
<><>
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip
<><><>

The Church members were accustomed to always answering with "And so with you" when the pastor said the prayers. But, one day, he was having problems with his microphone. It went something  like this:
Pastor: "God bless all those with a meek spirit"
Members: "And so with you"
Then a long silence as the pastor fumbled with the microphone to get it to work. The microphone started working just as the pastor said, "This thing isn't working"
Members: "And so with you"
<><><>
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
"If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
<><>
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
<><>
You're not a kid anymore when ...
You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is to pee.
The pharmacist knows you by sight.
You are proud of your lawnmower.
9 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."
People call you at 10 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"
Your high school diploma is the colour of buttermilk.
You know the colour of buttermilk.
Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.
Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You're always asked to say the blessing.
<><>
A young lady, who was a goober, died and went to heaven.  St. Peter met her at the gate.  He told her, "In order to enter here you must tell me the name of the Lord."  The young lady wrinkled her brow and said, "Oh, I do know it, just a minute, let me think. Um -- um -- oh yes, it's Andy!!"

St. Peter said, "Andy?  ANDY?  Where did you ever get that name?"

"Well, you know, it's in that song -- we sang it all the time in church!" she said defensively.  Then she proceeded to sing the song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me ..."
<><>
TO EXERCISE OR NOT TO EXERCISE
 
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life.  This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
<><><>
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache."  “Perfect." her husband said.  “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. Would you like it orally, or as a suppository?"
<><><>
SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP...
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin size bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella.  You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as  "dressed up".
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer  'pretty good stuff'.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
26.  You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
<><><>
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -- Robert De Niro --

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.  They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -- Elayne Boosler --
 
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.  So what's the problem? -- Dustin Hoffman --

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -- Elizabeth Taylor --
 
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfield
 
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Clooney --
 
The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -- Jeff Bridges --
 
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.  -- Rod Stewart --
<><><>
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically designed to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airlines, military jets, and the space shuttle, all  traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent collisions with  airborne fowl in order to test the strength of the windshields.   British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
 
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.  When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken  hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
 
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
 
NASA responded with a one-line memo:  "Thaw the chicken"
<><><>
Age Barometer

Count how many you remember...
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-in
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
 
If you remembered 0-5  You're still young
If you remembered 6-10  You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15  Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25  You're older than dirt!
<><><>
If you open this email and then notice dust on your computer screen, you have successfully received Lan-thrax, the first computer/human virus.  The antidote is to wipe the dust off the screen with a damp cloth.  Do not touch the dust or sneeze while doing this.  For more information, contact Hoaxbusteres at www.hoaxbusters.com
<><><>
Running into debt doesn't bother me; it's running into creditors that's upsetting.
<><>
Have patience. In time, grass becomes milk.
I'm not going to rent the space in my brain for people like you!
It tastes so good, makes your tongue want to slap your brain out.
I'm busier than a cat burying shit on a sidewalk!
<><><>
More Family Sayings:
A Hard head makes a soft ass!
Shit fire and rooster fuzz
It's like shittin' in high cotton!
That's about as usefull as a wicker bed pan
Thats about as useful as hen shit on a pump handle.
Talking to you is like throwing ice cream at a brick wall
Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra.
That person's got more nerve than an abcessed tooth!
If you were any dumber, your ears would touch!
Well, she's the kind of person where you scratch the surface and you find more surface.
Trigonometry for farmers: swine and cowswine.
><><>
I plan to write a book about all the basements I've lived in.
It's sure to be a best cellar
<><>
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress.  Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.  You're a freelance photographer for a news service, you're traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes that you can shoot.  You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You have to make a choice. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
.....
So, here's the question...and think carefully before you answer it:  Which lens would you use?
<><>
"The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided."
<><>
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
<><>
Man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.  After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer!  The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.  The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about telling you that your hair smells nice?"  The woman replies, "He's a fucking dwarf!"
<><>
We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.
<><>
Q:Why does Osama always carry a rock in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of mud?
A: The bucket

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
<><><>
Our father's house is a house of regret, with rooms I can't sleep in and jokes I don't get.
<><><>
We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.
 <><>
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
<><>
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.  The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."  The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."  The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
<><><>
"The difference between a boss and a leader: a boss says, 'Go!' - a leader says, 'Let's go!'"
<><><>
No sense being pessimistic, pessimism probably wouldn't work anyway.
<><><>
What do you call a lesbian that uses both hands while having sex?  Ambidykesterious
What do you call a male member with only one side?  Mobius Dick
<><>
The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane. She had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan.
<><>
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists have been operating in Newfoundland.
Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.  The Newfoundland Provincial Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.
The Police further advise that they can find no one fitting the description of the 4th cell member, Bin Workin, in the province.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
<><>
He that will not reason is a bigot, He that cannot reason is a fool, He that dares not reason is a slave.
<><>
Why trick or treating is better than sex...
10 - you are guaranteed to get a little something in the sack
9 - if you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again
8 - the uglier you look the easier it is to get some
7 - you don't have to compliment the person who gives you some
6 - it's okay to fanasize you're with someone else because you are
5 - 20 years from now you'll still like candy
4 - if you don't like what you get you can always go next door
3 - it doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning
2 - less guilt the morning after
and the number one reason...
you can do the whole neighbourhood!
><>
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
<><>
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.  Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.  They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!  This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said " I love it but I have to stop eating it" "Why" he said.  She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"  "Let me see" he said.  "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.  He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too."  She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.
She yelled "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and gizzard!!"
<><>
A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-storey hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".
Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors ...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. But once you go past a floor you cannot return"
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"...the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good but there were still two more floors. On to the fourth floor, the sign was Perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."
The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see  what  the fifth floor has to offer rather than settle for the fourth.
When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads: "There are no men here.  This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."
<><>
My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?
<><>
John Smith took his collection of disabled umbrellas to the repairer's.  Two days later, on his way to work, he got up to leave the bus and absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him.

"Stop, thief!" cried the woman, and at once she rescued her umbrella, and covered him with shame and confusion.

Later that same day, John stopped by the repairer's shop and received all ten of his umbrellas repaired and working fine.  As he entered the bus, with the umbrella bundle in his hands, he was horrified to behold the lady of his morning misadventure, scowling at him.

Her shrill voice cut straight through him, as she charged,  "Had a good day, didn't you?!"  "No, madam," replied John.  "A good day would not include you twice."
<><><>
A woman left home from Queens for work on Sept. 11 at about 7am to go to her office in the World Trade Center (103rd Fl).  When she got to Manhattan, she decided instead to spend the morning at her boyfriends apartment in the Village.

Upon her arrival to his place, they turned off the phones, TV & radio and spent the entire morning in bed having sex.

At about 11:00am, while still at his place, she turned her cell phone back on to retrieve messages, a second later it rang.
Her husband who was on the phone yelling, "Where in the hell are you? I've been trying to call you for over two hours, I've been worried sick about you! Are you OK!!

She unknowingly answered, "I'm fine and where in the hell do you think I am? I'm at my desk putting this quarterly report together!!!"
<><><>
We are the people our parents warned us about.
<><><>
 Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
<><>
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.
<><>
To help America with the war on terrorism, Canada pledged two battleships,  600 ground troops, and six fighter jets.
After the exchange rate was figured, America ended up with one canoe, two Mounties, and a flying squirrel.
<><>
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'
<><>
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can  stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"
In mid-life your memory starts  to go.  In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally ...more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice-cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.  We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.  Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired  .... that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to  it!
<><>
"That was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally it was horrible, but the turkey was soooo moist." -Homer Simpson
<><>
In a way, colleges & insane asylums are both mental institutions.  The major difference being you have to show some improvement to "graduate" from an asylum.
<><>
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. after driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
 
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently    widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
 
"Don't worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light,"
 
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
 
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
 
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"   "Yes, I do."   "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"   "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."   "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"   Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"   "She just died and left me everything."
<><>
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill.  Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
"Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"
<><>
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
<><>
In medieval times, church bells were often consecrated to ward off evil spirits. Because thunderstorms were attributed to the work of demons, the bells would be rung in an attempt to stop the storms. Numerous bellringers were killed by lightning.
<><>
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
<><>
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To have a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.  They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.  When she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?  The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning  Father," and started to walk away.  One of the priests couldn't stand it.
"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"  "Father, it's me, Sister Veronica."
<><>
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.  Later, they passed some people that remarked, what a shame, he makes that little boy walk.

They then decided they both would walk!  Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.
<><>
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Nah seriously, please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
<><><>
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.  He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.  I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.  The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.   He arose,cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.  He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.  Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
 
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love -- which he managed to get through without complaint.  The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."  The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.  You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."
<><>
 There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended separate school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?' After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
<><>
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
<><>
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
<><>
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
<><>
--- I JUST HAVE ONE LITTLE THING ON MY CHRISTMAS LISTTHIS YEAR
 
Dear Santa,
 
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.
 
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
 
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.
 
Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.
 
Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
 
We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.
 
We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.
 
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
 
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."
 
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?
 
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
 
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
 
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel."
 
I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."
 
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.
 
Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
 
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.
 
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.
 
If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?
 
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.
 
"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
 
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
 
You probably want to smack her yourself.
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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
 
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
 
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
 
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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The most important six words:  "I admit I made a mistake."
The most important five words:  "I am proud of you."
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The question asked was, "Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant.
In France they did not know what 'please' meant.
And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
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A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
 
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
 
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing
 condition."
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Ah well, I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.  - Oscar Wilde
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
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Islamic Strip Poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand.
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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"