1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
 2) The farm was used to produce produce.
 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
 4) We must polish thePolish furniture.
 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
 9) When shot at, the dovedove into the bushes.
 10) I did not object to the object.
 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
 13) They were too close to the door to close it.
 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
<><>
Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
<><>
Think you're a genius? Take the below quiz. Passing requires 4 correct answers.

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat-gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done, genius? Check your answers below.
<><>
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the very next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"   -- all the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"   -- all the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"   -- all the nuns stood up.
<><>

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?  Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert.
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson.
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand.
<><>
Things that really irritate DOGS
1.  When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2.  Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3.  Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4.  How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5.  Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6.  Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7.  Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8.  Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.  How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10.  Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
11.  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12.  Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
13.  The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.  You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain,you nitwit.
14.  Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?   To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
<><>
WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish.............. 49
Adventurer.......... Will sleep with all your friends
Athletic.............No chest
Average looking......Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful........... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.... Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated............ Banged her Poly-sci professor
Emotionally Secure.. Medicated
Feminist............ Big ball-buster
Free spirit......... Junkie
Friendship first.....Slut
Fun..................Annoying
Gentle...............Comatose
Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
New-Age..............It's a mess down there
Old-fashioned....... Lights out, no BJs
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
Poet.................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional.........Certified Bitch
Redhead..............Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..........Really Big
Wants Soulmate...... Stalker

MEN'S ADS

40-ish.............. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............ Watches a lot of NASCAR
Free Spirit..........Banging your sister
Good looking........ Arrogant
Very good looking... Dumb as a board
Honest.............. Pathological Liar
Likes to cuddle..... Insecure mama's boy
Mature.............. Older than your father
Physically fit...... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Very sensitive...... Gay
Spiritual........... Got laid in a cemetery once
Thoughtful.......... Says "Excuse me" when he farts
<><>

My Uncle Epheus emailled a giant mail order company and asked for the price of their toilet paper. The company wrote back telling him to look on page #346 of their catalog. He emailled them again and said: "If I had a catalog, I would not need any toilet paper."
<><><>
More Band names...
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
Bulimia Banquet
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
The Dead Sea Squirrels
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Inhale Mary
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Lawnmower Massacre
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Nervous Christians and the Lions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Penis DeMilo
Phenobarbidols
Phlegm Fatale
Poultry in Motion
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
Screaming Headless Torsos
Septic Death
Shirley Temple of Doom
Skeptic Tank
Tater and the Spudfluckers
The Sound of Munich
The Sphinctones Stukas Over Bedrock
The 4-Skins
Thank God We're Immortal
To Live and Shave in LA
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Willie Nelson Mandela
Zombies Under Stress
<><>
TO CRACKPOTS EVERYWHERE

A short story, just in case any of you were feeling a little imperfect.

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck.  One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the  cracked pot arrived only half full.  For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made.  But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half what it had been made to do.

After 2 yrs of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load  because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.  Because of my  flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?  That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them.   For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.  Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
<><>
One hot July day, we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.  We felt sorry for her, so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.  She had no name, so we named her "Pussy Cat". The vet said he needed to keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and pick her up.

My husband, the complaining type, said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her. She stinks." Now understand my husband and the vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby "El-Cheap-O", and my hubby calls him "El-Take-O". The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, whose office is next-door to the vet's, in a strip mall. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

The door opened and in popped the vet, announcing loudly to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" He then closed the door.
<><>
Children's Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine
2. If It's in my hand, it's mine
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I.. wait a sec.. this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan.
<><>
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
<><>
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK to buy it.  She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw.
<><>
Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts (Q)(Q)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
Happy Breasts (~)(~)
<><>
What always comes at the end of Easter?
Can you spell "hard water" only using three letters?
In which month does the Easter Bunny eat the least?
What should you do if a reindeer eats your pencil?
What kind of water never freezes?
What do you call a Easter Bunny with three eyes?
What do rabbits have that no other animals on earth have?
Would you rather a crocodile attack you or an alligator?
answers at end...
<><>
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity.  To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.  The Russians used a pencil.
<><>
The letter 'r'.
Ice
February
Use your pen.
Hot water.
Eister Bunnii.
bunnies
I'd rather have the croc attack the alligator.
<><>
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.  "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.  The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
<><>
Q:  What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A:  See you next month!
<><>
The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call.  It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.

"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."

"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."  Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
<><>
One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.  After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense.
"Sir...Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office???"
<><>
Ways You Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:

~ Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
~ Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
~ Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
~ She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
~ You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
~ Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
~ Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
~ Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
~ Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
<><>
Q:Why do ducks have webbed feet?  A:To stamp out forest fires.
Q:Why do elephants have flat feet?  A:To stamp out flaming ducks.
<><>
Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:
1) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5) 177.45 cm3 crystaline C12H22O11
6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8) Two calcium carbonate encapsulated avian albumin coated protien
9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 BTU/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radical flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredients nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 X 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnson's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
<><>
Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out.  You probably got here just in time!
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
Somone spiked the coffee machine.
...in the name of Jesus...Amen
Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
<><>
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SCARBOROUGH WHEN...

You lock your car doors when you drive.
You are familiar with neighbourhood names like: Agincourt, Malvern, West Hill, Warden Woods, Cedarbrae, Tuxedo Court, and Wexford.
You hate it when SCARBOROUGH is mentioned on the news because it's usually related to some crime story (i.e. murder, robbery, drive-by-shooting/stabbing etc.)
You know what the "RT" is.
You often hear music (or bass) coming from someone else's car when you are stopped at a traffic light.
LADIES: A guy has tried to "pick you up" before at the bus stop, on the bus or RT train, Kennedy Station, Scarborough Town Centre or while you're in your car stopped at a traffic light.
GUYS: You or you know of a guy who has tried to pick up girls at the bus stop, on the bus or RT train, Kennedy Station, Scarborough Town Center or while a girl is in her car stopped at a traffic light.
You sometimes refer to SCARBOROUGH as SCARBERIA; SCARLEM; SCOMPTON; SCARCITY. (new ones include: SCARLANKA, SCARBLACKISTAN)
No one speaks English on the bus.
You think anything north of Steeles Avenue (Markham) is "BUSH".
You think anything east of the Rouge River (Pickering) is "BUSH".
You love to mention other parts of Toronto (ie. Jane-Finch, Regent Park, Flemingdon Park, Parkdale, Rexdale, Weston, St. Jamestown, etc.) that you think have a higher crime rate than SCARBOROUGH in your conversations.
You are familiar with these streets: Markham Road, Kingston Road, McCowan Road, Warden Avenue, Kennedy Road, Eglinton Ave. E.).
You LOVE to shop at the "Dollar Stores", which are scattered throughout SCARBOROUGH.
There is a Chinese restaurant or a Roti shop in your neighbourhood.
Scarborough Town Centre was "the place" to hang-out when you were a teenager.
You hate it when NON-Scarborough people refer to it as the ghetto.
You know the Scarborough Bluffs is there, but never bothered to go see it.
NON-MALVERN PEOPLE: You refer to Malvern as the ghetto.
MALVERN PEOPLE: You are PROUD of Malvern but still refer to it as the ghetto.
You refer to Agincourt as "Asian-court".
There are more Guyanese people here than in Georgetown, Guyana.
You are able to distinguish the ethnicity of a driver by just looking at his/her car (ie. if you see a car with Hello Kitty or some other stuffed animals in it, then you know its Hong Kong people OR if you see a car with tinted windows, gold or chrome fender trims, and a crown air-freshener, then you know its Caribbean people).
You HATE Mel Lastman because you think he ignores Scarborough, BUT you still voted for him.
People are scared of you when you say you're from  SCARBOROUGH.  The TTC buses run EXTRA SLOW here.
You say you're a PROUD CITIZEN OF SCARBOROUGH, but deep down inside you wish to move out to Markham or Pickering.
<><>
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Contrarily, the French have lots of fat in their diets and also suffer fewer heart attacks than either the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat what ever you want. It's speaking English that kills you.
<><>
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
<><>
Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Assistants

5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
<><>
Drawbacks to working in a cubicle
1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!
2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7) Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
<><>
AUSTIN POWERS CHAT UP LINES
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
<><>
I never set out to be a businessman. I just wanted to have fun, bang chicks and do drugs.
- OZZY OSBOURNE explains his carefully crafted career plan.
<><>
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy. growing strawberries!

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
<><>
A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well.... here it comes..."
<><>
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my  five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
<><>
"President Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton are apparently involved in a brand new controversy over a couch they took from the White House that critics say doesn't belong to them. When asked about it, the former President said he needs that couch otherwise he'll have to sleep on the floor."  - Conan O'Brien
<><>
A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise.  A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye.  For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it, so he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor. "How much for this?", he asks. "I'd think twice about getting that if I were you.  Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.

"Why?" "I don't know, but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it." The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item.  He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him!  He begins to break into a trot.  Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats!  Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder.  Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him!

Now he begins to panic.  He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on.  He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront.  When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water.  Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!

The next day, the man returns to the antique shop.  The owner is shocked to see him empty-handed.  "You didn't bring it back?" he asks. "No, I've just one question, Do you have one which is shaped like a lawyer?"
<><>
You might be a redneck if...

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
<><>
Pallindromes...
Poor dan is in a droop.
Step on no pets.
Sit on a Potato Pan, Otis.
Rise to vote, sir.
Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.
Too hot to hoot.
Don't nod.
Was it a car or a cat I saw.
Niagara, o roar again
Live not on evil
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!
<><>
Let's see how smart you are!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.  Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers to the questions...

The room with the dead lions.
She's a photographer.
The water is frozen.
Charcoal.
Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.
No "e"s.
<><>
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.  "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."  "Like what?" Martin said.  "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.  "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. "Straight, like normal," Gary said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."  "Damn!," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
<><>
There is a town in Illinois named Beecher. The local butcher shop is called Beecher Meat.  There is also a tool and die company in Beecher. It is named Beecher Tool and Die.
<><>
"Celery, raw  Develops the jaw,  But celery, stewed,  Is more quietly chewed."  poet Ogden Nash
"Woe to the cook whose sauce has no sting."  Geoffrey Chaucer in The Canterbury Tales
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."  Richard S. Castellano in The Godfather
"Let them eat cake." Marie Antointette
"How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?" Pink Floyd
"Alligator pie, alligator pie, if I don't get some I think I'm going to die." children's author Dennis Lee in the aptly named Alligator Pie
"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" children everywhere
"What am I, chopped liver?" Jewish grandmothers everywhere
"It's only wafer thin." John Cleese in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
"I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit." William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's bad for you." Tommy Smothers
"You don't make friends with salad." Homer Simpson
"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again." Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind
"If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe." Carl Sagan
"Beef jerky time!" Eddie Murphy in Trading Places
"Everything you see, I owe to pasta." Sophia Loren
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; if this is tea, please bring me some coffee." Abraham Lincoln
"There is no such thing as a little garlic." Humourist Arthur Baer
"Food labels that say 'no fat, no cholesterol' might as well say 'no taste, no fun.'" Julia Child
"I'll have what she's having." diner scene in When Harry Met Sally...
"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside." Mark Twain
"Tell me what you eat, and I shall tell you what you are." Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
"Life is a combination of magic and pasta." Federico Fellini
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." Orson Welles
"Bad cooks ? and the utter lack of reason in the kitchen ? have delayed human development longest and impaired it most." Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"When we lose, I eat. When we win, I eat. I also eat when we're rained out." Tommy Lasorda, Former L.A. Dodgers manager
"Never eat more than you can lift." Miss Piggy
<><>
Hotels in Scotland announced that part of their big "Romantic Scotland" marketing campaign would be "Hot 'n' Horny Devil Haggis" with chili and Cajun spices, as potentially an aphrodisiac.
<><>
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
<><>
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.  Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.  After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.  As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." "That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist".  "Wow, how did you guess?" "I didn't feel a thing"
<><>
Subject: You're gonna love these!
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Donuts.

Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A. Because Janet Reno is her real father.
<><>
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.
She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her.  So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.
She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
<><>
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.  One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him, "it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."
<><>
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
<><>
Committing crimes is not necessarily the most desirable way of becoming involved in your community
<><>
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
<><>
How to say "Your Fly Is Open"

I can see the gun of Navarone.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
You've got Windows in your laptop.
Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
Dr. Kimble has escaped!
You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
<><>
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
====
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
====
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
====
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
====
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
====
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
====
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
====
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
====
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
====
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
====
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
====
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
====
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
====
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
====
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
====
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
====
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
====
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
====
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
====
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
====
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
<><><>
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.  The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees.  No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,  "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
<><>
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.

The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction.  But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
<><>
Toy Disclaimers

No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.

Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.
<><>
Bentonville, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item - - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams, University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
 
10.Chateau Traileur Doublewide
9  White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. Grape Expectations
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
 
Enough of Because! Be he damned for a dog!
<><>
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale; an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
<><>
Signs that you've been drinking too much java...

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe."
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
<><>
If you bought $1000 worth of Enron stock one year ago and traded it today you would have $2.28.
If you bought $1000 worth of Australian Airline Ansett stock one year ago, it would be worth $49 today.
If you bought $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the deposit, you would have $79 today.
<><>
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later, you might think you're having a good idea but it's really just the eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then, I got curious about it. And I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns.

Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.
<><>
One day my housework-challenged boyfriend decided to wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"  "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"  He yelled back, "Just do it!!"
<><>
A Belgian woman being plagued by nuisance phone calls discovered the culprit was a dairy cow. The farmer had rigged up the animal's milking machine to call a mobile phone if it malfunctioned. But he accidentally programmed in Caroline Lenaerts' phone number. Caroline, 26, from Ravels, told the Het Laatste Nieuws she received strange calls for two weeks until the mystery was solved. "I could only a hear a signal, no voice. It was no pleasure at all. Once it woke me at half past four in the morning," she said. The paper says the telephone company eventually traced the calls to the farmer in Poppel who told them about his alarm system.
<><>
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
<><>
I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering fromthese, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gaveway to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
<><>
The following exchanges occurred on the original Hollywood Squares game show.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting Poo! Poo! Poo! What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago when he was 41. Now he says it was one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother?s womb. Can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
<><>
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."
<><><>
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
<><>
The weather is so good lately you want to take a day off, but can't think of an excuse?

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Shoppers Drug Mart.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some temporary attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Leafs, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Direct TV, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
<><>
The Man's Perfect Breakfast
His son's picture is on the cover of Wheaties.
His mistress' picture is on the cover of Playboy.
His wife's picture is on the milk carton.
<><><>
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Ken, where's that 7 inches you promised me last night?"
<><><>
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
<><>
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home.  When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent.  Ask about our term-life package."
<><><>
My old uncles Epheus and Cepheus were out driving in a their '59 Edsel.  As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.  Epheus in the passenger seat thought to himself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light,"

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.  This time Epheus was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that he was losing it. He was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and he turned to my other uncle and said, "Cepheus! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Cepheus turned to him and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
<><>
The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my jewels, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
<><>
"When you were born you cried and the world rejoiced.  Live your life so that when you die the world cries and you rejoice".
<><>
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.
The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma'am."
<><>
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats,and that's it, don't piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
<><>
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."
<><>
"When you're moving your whole world becomes finding boxes. You become obsessed. You could be at a funeral, everyone's crying, you're looking at the casket. 'That's a nice box. It even has handles.'"
<><>
A blonde wanted to learn how to sky dive. She got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the blonde to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. The blonde understood and was ready.

The time came to have the blonde to jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. The blonde proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the blonde.

The blonde seeing this yelled, as she undid the straps to her parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
<><>
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says,  "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."  "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."  "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
<><>
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
<><><>
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.
People sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks cause 23% of photocopier faults worldwide.
<><>
In the beginning was The Plan.

And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went to their Supervisors and said, "It's a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went to their Managers, saying, "It's a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went to their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, and said unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good. And The Plan became Policy.
And that is how shit happens.
<><><>
THE OUTHOUSE POEM
The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"
<><>
Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor.
Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. You give all of the milk to the government, and the government sells it.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows.
Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow.
Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government makes you take harmonica lessons.
<><>
A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the employees who worked for him.
One day he came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firm's cash.
The contractor asked the man, "Where did you get your financial training, young man?"
"Yale," the man answered.
"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate of higher learning.
"What's your name?" he asked. And the man answered, "Yackson."
<><>
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
<><>
A couple months ago, Uncle Epheus bought a three bedroom house in the Florida everglades for $30,000.  He decided to spend winters there and went down last weekend to check it out.  And just last night, as he sat on his new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
<><>
One of the primary reasons the mayflower pilgrims ended their voyage at Plymouth rock was pretty much the same reason people today suspend their journeys: they ran out of beer.
<><>
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
<><>
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.
<><>
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some  difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support  phone number we found in the manual.
 
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I  explained the problem to him.
 
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
 
"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a  small child?"
 
"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy  on the phone?"
<><>
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in case. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in  why. A as in are. Y as in you."
<><>
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
<><>
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
<><>
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this  particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of  these brains.
 
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
<><>
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus  five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is  nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.  "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you  teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
<><>
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign  a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
 
The best submissions:
 
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide  variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
 
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
 
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
 
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a  fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
 
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
 
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
 
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
 
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.  Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are  pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
 
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see  right through them.
 
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
 
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
 
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but  it's handy to have around.
 
REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it  gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always  know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
<><>
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are  dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors..but they all have  to learn to live in the same box.
<><>
If the US government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
<><>