Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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An baby rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like its stepsiblings instead of jumping around.  As the rabbit reached puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem.  It confessed how it felt different from its stepsiblings and was much forlorn.  Their response was... "Don't scurry, be hoppy."
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

P.S. The donkey later came back and kicked the crap out of the farmer that tried burying him.

Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you!
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Why does the navy have a contingent of marines on all her ships?  Because sheep would be too obvious.
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"You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."  --Yogi Berra
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Ask yourself, "Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?" If the answer is no to two out of three, the wisest thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.
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The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his holy, scrotal sacs—and this is one of these occasions.  Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute," says the Pope, "you can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."  "This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."  So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after plenty of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dries himself off and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper who spots the camera.  "That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"  "Two million dollars," replies the Pope.  "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "he must have seen you coming."
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My Uncle Epheus goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"  "No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"
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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.  "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
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My children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they were putting up more of a fuss than usual. In the middle of the tantrums, a friend called. "What's all the commotion?" she asked.  "Oh, nothing," I said. "Just the siesta resistance."
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HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEXT PLANNED "SURVIVOR" SHOW

6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car each and 4 kids each,
for 6 weeks.

* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
* There is no access to fast food.
* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and the remote control is lost somewhere in the sofa.
* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.
* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
* The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
* The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
* If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother"
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Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
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Todd Warren, a 42 year old Sunday school teacher who asked a 16-year-old boy to write "What would Jesus do?" on his penis will spend a month on work release, according to the sentencing agreement reached Tuesday in Ramsey County District Court.

Warren, a nuclear pharmacist, befriended the boy at church and briefly hired him as an employee, according to court papers. Last September, Warren took the boy to a park and asked him personal and sexual questions about masturbation and homosexuality. He invited the boy to his office and said writing "What would Jesus do?" on his penis would prevent sexual temptation. Warren also asked for daily e-mail updates about the boy's sexual thoughts.

Warren resigned from the board of the church and he and his family are no longer part of the congregation, according to court papers. The pastor stressed that Warren was not acting in a church role when he invited the boy to his office.
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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem.  Patient: I just did, didn't I?  Stupid doctors never listen!!
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The word 'testify' originated from the Roman court when a man swore to the truth of his statement by swearing on his testicles.
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When people lie, erectile tissues inside the nose engorge and swell causing
the nose to itch.
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Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night."

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife.  To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose you hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."
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Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."

"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"

"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
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"Doc, I can hear all kinds of animals talk in my head." "Well, don't worry, you're just having Disney spells."
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My Uncle Epheus walked up to a parking meter and put in a quarter. The dial went to 60. He said, "How about that. I lost 100 pounds."
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"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog. So when she asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess I must have been half asleep or something, because I said, 'All right, but let's finish the dictation first.'"
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Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.  "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."  "When was she born?" someone asked.  Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
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When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."  "How long have you been married?" I asked.  "Ten years," she replied.
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A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.

She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis...I mean ladder!
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If you place a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. This fact may prove to be lifesaving should one ever be confronted with a rabid scorpion in a bar.
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Talking at work...

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
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The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker:

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
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As people used to be wrong about the motion of the sun, so they are still wrong about the motion of the future. The future stands still; it is we who move in infinite space.
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A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.

Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."

Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
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What's this?  "Give it here!"  "NO, IT'S MINE!"  "I said let me have it!" "NO! IT'S MY TURN!"  "Common! Give it to me!"  "NO WAY!"  Siamese twins whacking off.
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I was walking outside a mall when I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a fifty-dollar bill in his hand.

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she gave him a hundred dollars to buy food for the month.  The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the fifty dollar bills and disappeared into the night. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.  So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
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Growing up, my Mom always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window.  If she REALLY felt bad, though, she'd have moved the bird feeder outside.
<><>
"I had the strangest dream last night," a young man told his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face.  As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."  The psychiatrist was silent for a minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
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It was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that "Men do not have anginas!" The president was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has "acute angina."
<><>
Snorth: When a guy doesn't know whether he's going South or North but refuses to stop and ask for directions.
<><>
What do the following mean...

1) O_er_t_o_

2) minI'LL BE THEREute

3) ATfrankfrankRA

4) OdOoOmO

answers below...

<><>
Tell Tale Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work...
--------------------------------------------------
You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2002.
You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
People come into your office frequently... to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
No longer content with merely photocopying your derriere, you now scan it and enhance it with Photoshop.
The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
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Hangever - The eternity that it takes to feel like you are NOT going to die from drinking too much the night before.
Mumbezlement- stealing small change from your wife/mother's purse.
'S wordplay - act of distracting your fencing partner with verbal abuse.
Confidance - when you think you're Fred Astaire as you trip the light fantastic.
Ballerooney - A male ballet dancer.
Crumbpet - a dog who cleans up after you eat a cookie!
Infirmation - the latest medical news about stuff that will make you sick!
Cornycopia - a plethora of these kinds of jokes!
Pnewmatic drill - works better than the old one!
Bundled softwear - 6 pack of socks!
Buffetlo: Big-boned creature frequently sighted grazing in their favorite all-you-can-eat habitat.
Hammerage: the red liquid that leaks out of your thumb after a nail-driving mishap.
Abdominos: A pizza chain where your order is delivered by a personal trainer.
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I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. - Mae West
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?  A cocker poodle doo
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Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.   The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the "Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."
<><>
1) O_er_t_o_
1) Painless operation

2) minI'LL BE THEREute
2) I'll be there in a minute

3) ATfrankfrankRA
3) Frank Sinatra

4) OdOoOmO
4) Dominoes
 
 

<><>
"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." ---Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"Plato was a bore."  ---Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal." ---Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
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Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
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"President Clinton said he flew commercial flights four times last week to show America it's safe.  Sounds like someone's got a crush on a flight attendant..." --Jay Leno
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The instructions on the deodorant is 'take off cap, push up bottom'.  Aren't those suppository instructions?
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.  "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."  "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."  "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
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"My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle." --Henny Youngman
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SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST.
IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
<><>
Convict James French, seated in the electric chair: "How about this for a headline in tomorrow's paper, French Fries!'"
Voltaire, asked on his deathbed to renounce Satan: "This is no time to make new enemies."
Karl Marx, grouchy to the last: "Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said.  "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"  A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"  "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."  The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.  When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
<><>
Adequit work--The answer to the question of "Why Aunt Adie came home early."
Wopportunity; The chance to go to Burger King.
Joctor; A person who specializes in sports medicine.,Chef
Iniot - A dumb moron who believes that he is apart of the "in" crowd, but in reality he is to stupid to realize that he is the one always being made fun of.
Downysize: to terminate the use of fabric softner.
Procreastination: The act of putting off having children because you think you will have more money to afford children if you wait awhile longer.
Pissamist: The act of hurrying to take a leak.
Naggravate: The actions or words, used by a female, to irritate a male.
Fibling: A child who impulsively tells trivial lies about her brother(s) and/or sister(s).
Silitary: A harmless, innocent, trivial form of national defence.
Here's my effart.
sinfomercial - when busty women in tight clothes are peddling products that have nothing to do with busty women
nautycal mile - the lengths to which sailors will go to stay sane.
spinache - sudden nausea and loss of appetite that occurs when forced to eat greens.
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According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
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A guy get`s shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he`s on a beach. The sand is purple. He can`t believe it. The sky is purple. He walks arond a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He`s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.  "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"
<><>
The Latest Report on Windows 2000: New Error Codes Assigned

Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Glitch
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Mottinize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Multiple Anti-Viral Programs Detected
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything
<><>
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slowpoke
I taped the Clio Awards, the awards show for best commercials. and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
  <><>
Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards in emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.
<><>
Yo’ Mama’s so fat. . .

She looks at a menu and says, "Okay!"
The phone company gave her two area codes.
People jog around her for exercise.
Her belly button's got an echo.
She qualifies for group insurance.
When she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI!"
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
When she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again."
<><>
When old John Glenn went into space the last time they added some dried plums to the usual drink mix... they called it prune tang.
<><>

 For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
 For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
 For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
 For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

 Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house   4 inches deep.
 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Supermancape.  It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 3-year-old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
<><>
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette. -Ernestyne White
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. - Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Men think, I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked. - Jerry Seinfeld
You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
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1st man: "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a hundred aspirin."
2nd man: "Oh my God! What happened?"
1st man: "After the first two, I felt better."
<><>
Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
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A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.

The guy replies "Sure, which country?"

The fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."

The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough to hand over a check for $900.

The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch." Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, "And here are the batteries."
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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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Miniature cocktail: You drink one and in a miniature out.
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YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
 --------------------------

I'm the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, politicians.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like ...
I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults younger these days, and when did they let
kids become policemen.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

10. Sag! You're it!
9.  Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
8.  20 questions shouted in your good ear.
7.  Kick the bucket.
6.  Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
5.  Doc, doc, goose.
4.  Simon says something incoherent.
3.  Musical recliners.
2.  Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS...
1.  Hide and go pee!
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A new survey shows that the more female you are physically, the harder it is to be taken seriously in business. For example, women with very large breasts have a harder time being promoted than women with penises.
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Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied, "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock-sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother-fucker back up."

Martin's mother screamed, "Wait until your father gets home!"

When Martin's father got home, She told him to ask Martin what he had learned today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch."

Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."
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My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place. When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
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This is for Larry.....

There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that one out.
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The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other's asses.
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I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.
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I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:

"Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."
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Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now:

No premarital sex
No booze
No bars
No television
No internet
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties  Actually, no tailgates
No hooters,
No meat from a pig
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight
Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats
Eating only with your right hand because you wipe your butt with your left.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors
No music
No radio
You can't shave
You can't shower
Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times
Your bride is picked by someone else
Oh and then they tell you that when you die, it all gets better!!! Who wouldn't go for it?
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If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
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Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make.  God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
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 When Reality Sets In

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.

3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

8. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

9. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

10. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

11. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

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New Scientific Theories

5th place (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure-skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.

Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

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Which category do *you* fall in?

"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,If she doesn't, she never was....

"The New Versions

Pessimist:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat
(*)

Vengeful:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, Hunt her down and shoot her

Network analyst:
If you love someone...set her free...ping her...
If she returns in less than 10 seconds..
Router is working...else she must be lost in the worldwide web...

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates :
if you love somebody, Set her free...
if she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist :
If you love somebody, Set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician :
If you love somebody, Set her free...
if she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody, Set her free...SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive:
If you love somebody don't set her free.

HR Specialist :
If you love somebody set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

MBA:
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously... and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist:
If you love somebody set her free...
if she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler:
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
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Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
Jill:  "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'"
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Knock Knock.. Who's there? Tick-um. Tick-um who? Tick-um up I'm a tongue tied wobber!
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I wanna be a bear! A Female Bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.    I wanna be a bear.
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they bump accidentally into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan and open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."  "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"  "No" replied Little Johnny, "he minded his own damn business!!"
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Last summer, my friend, Ellie, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, she passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Ellie tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, she spotted a small cabin off in the distance. She pulled out her binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.

"That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," she replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point southwest."
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"I got a cab in Paris. The driver smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse."
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GROWING UP.  GROWING OLD.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law and 4 year old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table, but the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off the spoon onto the floor.  When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something with Grandpa," said the son. "I have had  enough of spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor." So the husband and the wife set a small table in the corner. There Grandpa ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinner.

Since Grandpa had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandpa's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.  Still the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped his fork or spilled food. The 4 year old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little wooden bowl for you and Mom to eat your food when I grow up." The 4 year old smiled and went on with his work.
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Drama teachers prefaced their lesson for the day with the usual disclaimer that everything within their skit would be fictitious. Unfortunately, some drama students at Bushfield Community College in Peterborough were unable to separate fact from fiction on this fateful day. In that day's drama lesson, teachers pretended to cry as they informed students that Osama bin Laden had escaped from Afghanistan and detonated a nuclear bomb in Britain. Furthermore, the teachers told the students to call their parents and say goodbye because the end of the world would be in minutes. Some students left the room in tears, worrying about their loved ones. The teachers claim the students "took it out of context", but education chiefs have officially apologized on behalf of the school for any alarm they caused for the 15 and 16-year-old students.
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"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know." --Groucho Marx
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"Always carry a flask of whiskey in case of snakebites and furthermore,always carry a small snake." --W.C. Fields

  1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
  2. Name the last five Wimbledon trophy winners.
  3. Name the last five winners of the Miss World contest.
  4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
  5. Name the last half dozen Oscar Award winners for best actor or actress.
  6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

  How did you do? How many could you name?

  The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
  These are no second-rate achievers.
  They are the best in their fields.
  But the applause dies. Awards tarnish.
  Achievements are forgotten.
  Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

  Read & reflect

  See how you do on this one:

  1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
  2. Name two friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
  3. Name two people who have taught you something worthwhile.
  4. Think of a few people who have made you feel, appreciated and special.
  5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
  6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

  Easier ?

  The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones
with the most   credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

  They are the ones that care.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fuckin' drywall," replied the little girl.

A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"  The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."
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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had  more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"  The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I  do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.  The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Honorable Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond,you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, 'will you marry me?' When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called outtothe frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.  The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"  The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!!!
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"  And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck."
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If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
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Q: What does a dog do that you can step into?  A: Pants.
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Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
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When I first started college, the professor came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us.
When we echoed back to him, he said "Ah, you're Freshmen."
He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors. "And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."
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"His wife is suing him for divorce."  "How come?"  "Incompatibility."  "How in the world did she catch him doing that?"
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I am five feet, six inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
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I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step – blaming my parents.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
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It is with the sadness that we pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 51.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects. They included Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemina delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was regarded as a crusty old man who was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Mrs. Poppy -- they also had one in the oven -- and three children, Play Dough, and the twins John and Jane Dough. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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"Take it from me, wrinkle cream doesn't work. I've been using it for two years and my balls still look like raisins."

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
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If you attempted to count the stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second, it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.
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The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some recent winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
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"I heard about a college girl who went to a fraternity beer party, got drunk, spent the night with one of the frat boys and soon discovered she was pregnant.
"After her baby was born, she decided to write a book about her experience, which she chose to call: "From Beer to Maternity"
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  We childproofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
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When he said we were trying to make a fool of him, I could only murmur that the Creator had beat us to it.
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Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."
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"My Country, right or wrong" is a thing no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, drunk or sober."
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DUCK HUNTERS IN MICHIGAN (All amounts in US dollars)

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator luxury saloon car for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments.  He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen.  These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.  Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.  In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.  So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40- second fuse.

Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.  They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.  Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog?

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.  You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.  The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.  One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.  The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.  The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.  The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.  He still had to make those $560 a month payments!!