A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.  “His name is Tiny,” replies the man.  “Why do you call him that?” asks the bartender.  “Because he’s my newt!”
<><>
Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one
<><>
A guy goes running into a sex shop to return his blow-up doll.  He says to the owner, “Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back.”  The owner says, “Hell, if I’d have known she was going to do that, I’d have charged you $75.”
<><>
A man from Edinburgh wrote to an English editor, “If you don’t stop printing those derogatory Scottish jokes, most of which imply we’re cheap, I’m going to quit stealing your stupid magazine.”
<><>
Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition’s payroll. Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton’s last-minute pardoning spree.  Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud & lying to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.  This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate, won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate, then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate. His new job?
Youth counselor.
<><>
A camel and an elephant met one day in Africa. The elephant asked the camel, "Why do you have breasts on your back?"  The camel promptly said to the elephant, "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face.
<><>
Why do women have pap smears? Because they’d never go in for a cunt scrape.
<><>
Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
<><>
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
<><>
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
<><>
For as long as I can remember I’ve had amnesia.
<><>
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.  After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, “Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years! I wonder how the girls are doing?”
<><>
The guide says, “You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa.”  The tourist says, “But it’s possible there may be some cannibals?”  The guide says, “No, rest assured. We ate the last one on Monday.”
<><>
What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have Kurds in their Whey.
<><>
May all your dreams come true, and may you have only nightmares.
<><>
TRENTON, N.J. - A disturbing ransom note was left on the door-step of Tom and Candy Konczos of Trenton, New Jersey. An $800 demand was made for the return of their stolen baby. Police say that the kidnappers left a computer-generated written note demanding $800 in “small” bills in exchange for the plastic baby Jesus figurine stolen from the couple’s front lawn. The note was signed by “Me, him and the other kid who was really scared and didn’t want to take your baby Jesus and the whole time all he did was say stuff like you’re going to hell.” Although the prank is believed to be the work of neighborhood teens, the Konczos’ and police were a little disturbed by the note.
<><>
A very homely young woman goes to see a psychiatrist.  “Doctor,” she says, “I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”  “I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replies. “Just go over and lie face down on the couch.”
<><>
What’s the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?  One’s a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
<><>
I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
<><>
“Now tell me, Miss Jones,” said the senior partner to the very junior employee, “what is the purpose of a holiday?”
“To impress upon the employees that the company can get along without them,”
<><>
The first blond woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.  It wasn’t until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
<><>
The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the porch after dinner he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard. “That’s certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there,” the minister commented.   “Yes sir,” replied the farmer. “He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the ministry!”
<><>
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.
With the jelly toast proclaim
You’ll go down in listerine
<><>
I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.
<><>
If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
<><>
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read “I am mute.  I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?”
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.” He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers.
<><>
In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
In my day, we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff.  No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
In my day, we didn’t have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
In my day, we didn’t have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn’t have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn’t get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying ‘Doors closing.’ We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
Back in my day, ‘60 Minutes’ wasn’t just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
In my day, we didn’t have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
Back in my day, they hadn’t invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.
<><>
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him a beer. When he’s finished the bartender asks, “Monsieur Descartes, would you like another?”   Descartes answers, “No, I think not.”  At which point he abruptly disappears.
<><>
What charges can you bring against a transvestite?  Male fraud.
<><>
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it to have the inclination if you don’t have the time?
<><>
Electricity can be dangerous. My Uncle Epheus tried to stick a penny into a plug.  Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
<><>
What do you get when you kiss a bird?  “Chirpies”. It’s a canarial disease. Don’t laugh! There’s no tweetment!
<><>
I’ve asked my Uncle Epheus about the ways of the world and he said “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?”   I said “I don’t know.”  And he replied, “Oh? Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss anything when you don’t know shit?”
<><>
A cop stops a guy who is swerving all over the road. He looks at the driver, then at the girl in the passenger seat, then back at the driver.  “Have you been drinking?” asks the cop.  “No,” replies the driver. “Her dad owns a BMW dealership.”
<><>
How do you know if a glass is half full or half empty?  Depends on if you are drinking or pouring.
<><>
“All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.” ---Pat Paulsen
<><>
A man and his wife have separate bedrooms because of his loud snoring. One night when he was feeling amorous, he called out to his wife. “Oh my little boopey-boo, I miss you.”  So his wife got up went to his room, but as she was walking in she tripped on the carpet and fell flat on her face.  “Oh,” he said sweetly, “did my little honey-woney hurt her little nosey-wosey?”  The woman gets up, enters her husband’s bed and they make passionate love.  Afterward, as she is going back to her room she once again trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face.  The man raises his head from the pillow, looks at his wife lying on the floor and mumbles, “Clumsy bitch.”
<><>
Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. ---Pat Robertson - speech at GOP Presidential Convention (1992)
<><>
I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance.
<><>
At first I thought that my life was going around in circles. Then I realized it’s actually a downward spiral.
<><>
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."  The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.  "Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."  Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.  "All right, buddy. What's your name?"   "Sam," the man moaned.  "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.   "The balcony."
<><>
The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation - but I hear that that’s coming quickly.
<><>
President Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the CIA and FBI and asked them to figure it out.  A week later they came back and said, “Mr. President, the Jews have something called Shabbat, and they meet each other at the synagogue, and there is a code.  They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to thissecret: “Nu?” When one says to other, “Nu?”, the other tells him everything... every bit of news.”  This Bush wanted to see for himself. The secret service dressed him like a Hassid, and taught him to read from the right to the left of the Siddur (prayer book ).  Bush arrived at a synagogue on Shabbat, and sat beside another religious man. He waited for a moment, and said, “Nu?”  The man answered... “Shh, Bush is coming!”
<><>
I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn’t work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.
<><>
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
<><>
I was in a gas station the other day and a man was getting gas and he was smoking a cigarette. I went inside to pay for my gas. The man outside somehow caught his arm on fire. He came running inside the store, and the clerk shot him. I asked the clerk why he shot the man and he said, “He had a fire arm!”
<><>
* THAT GREAT LESBIAN LIFESTYLE ...
1. It is never a good idea to ask someone to marry you BEFORE the first date.
2. The average time between lesbian relationships is MINUS three point seven minutes.
3. "I love you" is NOT a question.
4. The term 'lesbian therapist' is redundant.
5. It's a law. After six months, all lesbian couples will walk alike.
6. After one year, all lesbian couples will be wearing at least one matching item.
7. After ten years, all lesbian couples pronouncing the word "hello" into a telephone will sound indistinguishable
8. After twenty years, all lesbian couples - regrettably - will have the same body.
9. Life is a process. Lesbian life is the process of processing the process.
10. There's no such thing as lesbian divorce. There is only thermonuclear war. And then best friends.
11. "No" is a complete sentence.
12. Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.
13. Gay men are of the same ilk, but they are NOT of the same species. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."
14. It is not against any written lesbian law to wear pantyhose. They just seem silly under your softball uniform.
15. Put more than two lesbians in a room and it's always a debate.
16. You should not consider yourself lesbian-impaired if you do not own a chainsaw.
17. In the olden days, it was believed there were only seven lesbians in
the whole world, and the rest was done with mirrors.
18. We know now there are MILLIONS of lesbians but only seven lesbian HAIRCUTS.
19. The average lesbian date lasts approximately three years.
20. Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.
21. Being politically active and being politically correct are not the same thing.
22. There are only two kinds of lesbians. Those who have been to the Michigan Womyn's Festival. And those who shave their body parts.
23. Serial monogamy is swell until you get tired of the same old serial every morning.
24. The best place to find the role model you're looking for is in the mirror. Sometimes it's the ONLY place.
25. It is nearly impossible for a lesbian to have a best friend she has not been previously married to. Or won't soon be married to.
26. You will never spell women/wimmin/wymin in a manner that will be acceptable to ALL of them.
27. Don't act normal, act normally.
28. We are ten million women waiting for someone else to ask us to dance.
29. It can't be a sin. We are not even IN the Bible.
30. Are there Hetero-sapiens?
31. If you are planning any activity at which you don't want to be interrupted, feed the cat first!
<><>
Don’t’cha love New York?…
New York City landlord Denise M. Lyman announced she would not allow the family of Sept. 11 victim Danielle Kousoulis into Danielle's old apartment to secure DNA to help detect her remains because Danielle had breached her Sept. 1, 2001, lease by failing to give three months' notice before "abandoning" the apartment.
<><>
In Tucson, Ariz., in August, Iris Jazmin Rangel, 24, was sentenced to three years' probation in the death of her 10-month-old daughter in a minor collision caused by Rangel's inability to brake quickly enough; her attention was diverted because she was breastfeeding the girl at the time.
<><>
Pastor Jim was called to pastor a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas.  He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio.  He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons.
“Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00.  While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungee jumping and I felt it would be nice to fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River.  I will make a jump and show you how it’s done and perhaps you may like to try it also.”
Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River.  Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below.  At that Pastor Jim said, “I don’t think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won’t disturb that family.”
Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped.  As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts.  Suddenly he arose and yelled, “HELP!!” The deacons reached out for him but missed.  Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose.  As Pastor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him.
When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, “Guys, what is a Piñata”?
<><>
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored.  He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation,  turned to bartender and said, “Hey, about those Republicans in the Congress, ain’t they a bunch of bums.“    “Stop—I *don’t* permit talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.  A few minutes later the gent tried again, “Since the pedophile priests were protected . . .”   “No religion talk, either,” the bartender cut in.  One more try to break the boredom...”I thought the Argos would...”  “No sports talk...That’s how fights start in bars.” the barman said.   “Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”  “Sure.”  “Good. Go fuck yourself.”
<><>
“Debt is the slavery of the free”  Publius Syrus, 42 B.C.
<><>
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her and kissed her.  She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”  “Who would marry you?  You worthless, wretched, no good, piece of shit drunk?!” she screamed.  “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound like her.”
<><>
Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, “This may hurt a little, Doc...I don’t have any money.”
<><>
Did you hear about the idiot who stole a calendar?  He got twelve months.
<><>
English is a language where double negatives are a no-no.
<><>
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is never half full, it’s always half empty. And cracked.  And I just cut my lip on it.
<><>
Uncle Epheus is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse.
<><>
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
<><>
Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.
<><>
You can’t polish a turd.
<><>
It seems popular singer Rod Stewart has declined his record company’s invitation to stay at the Adlon Hotel in Berlin, from the fifth floor balcony of which Mr. Michael Jackson dangled his eight month old son last week.  In an email from Annie Challis of Stewart’s management company she writes, “Kindly find new hotel.  Bodyguards and fans are fine but we cannot risk Rod being struck on head by falling baby.”  I guess careful planning is what has kept Rod Stewart around for decades.
<><>
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.  The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”  “I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.  “And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.  “I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”  “Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”  “I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.  So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.  “Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”  So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”  “Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”  “At the circus” says the bartender.  “The circus?” the duck enquires.  “That’s right,” replies the bartender.  “The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.  “That’s right!” says the bartender.  The duck looks confused and asks: “What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?”
<><>
Never invite vegetarians to BBQ’s, it’s like inviting lesbians to a dick sucking festival.
<><>
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
<><>
Brit #1: “Michael Jackson dangled a kid over a balcony today...”
Brit #2: “Strange, he normally tosses them off.”
<><>
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service"... the act of doing things for other people.  Then I heard the terms Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.  Then recently, I overheard two horse breeders talking and one of them mentioned that he was having his stallion service a few of his mares.  SHAZAM!  It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us!
<><>
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
“Normal”: A setting on a washing machine.
Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
<><>
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, “What happened to the other five condoms?” His nervous reply was, “Er, I masturbated with them.” Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?” “Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.  “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?” she asked.  “Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
<><>
American Cities
Hornyhead Branch, Alabama
Blue Ball, Delaware
Santa Claus, Georgia
Gay Head, Massachusetts
Hoop and Hollar, Texas
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Big Ugly, West Virginia
Jackass Acres, Arizona
Bitch Mountain, New York
Idiotville, Oregon
Hell, Michigan
Cumback, Indiana

Canadian Cities
Dildo, Newfoundland
Conception Bay, Newfoundland
Piapot, Saskatchewan
Swastika, Ontario
<><>
Impotence...Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings.”
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.  Some people just don’t know how to drive...I call these people “Everybody But Me.”
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
<><>
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
<><>
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
“Sergeant-Major!” the colonel shouted. “Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.”
“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.  “Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave,” the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry.
“Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?”
“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replies.
“Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?” the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, “Sir. It’s you he’s fond of.”
<><>
A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ass.  Doctor says, “Hmmmm, that’s strange.”  The guy replies, “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
<><>
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
<><>
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was too far to go around
<><>
What’s the definition of Trust?  Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
<><>
Recently I performed at an animal rights barbecue.
<><>
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There’s one called brightness, but it doesn’t work.
<><>
New meds for women:
Damitol - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.  St. Mom’s Wort - Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin - Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?”
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
JackAsspirin - Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Sexcedrin - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, “Not now, dear, I have a headache,” syndrome.
<><>
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
<><>
Barbie & Ken arrive at a fancy restaurant in her pink Corvette. Who parks
the car?  Valet of the Dolls
<><>
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
<><>
Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
<><>
Uncle Epheus was digging a grave for a mule.  When Aunt Cliela asked if he was digging a foxhole, he replied, “Nope. I’m diggin‘ an asshole.”
<><>
‘Spam’ comes from a Monty Python sketch.  But here’s what some people think it stands for:
Shit Posing As Mail
Scum, Perverts, And Maggots
See, Pass, and Moan
Scientifically Produced Animal Meat (oops wrong Spam)
Scary Perverted Annoying Mess
Smut, Porn And Mischief
Strange People After Money
Stupid People Annoying Me!
Satan Posing As Man
Some People Are Morons
<><>
I had a great scout leader - or Akela - when I was a cub scout of 8 years-old. Most weekends he would take us all camping. He’d teach us stuff like field craft, knot tying and how to suck out the poison from a snake bite. I have to say, though, he was one unlucky fellah. The amount of times he got bitten by a poisonous snake on his cock was unbelievable.
<><>
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two-hour long wait, it finally took off.  A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”  “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It just took us a while to find a new pilot.”
<><>
There is a knock on St. Peter’s door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.  A short time later there’s another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.  “Hey, are you playing games with me?”  St. Peter calls after him.  No,” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. “They’re trying to resuscitate me.”
<><>
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it’s because men are scum-sucking, fucking assholes!
<><>
My cat is missing.  I think she was taken by a cat burglar or a purr snatcher.
<><>
My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?
<><>
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
<><>
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
<><>
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
<><>
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
<><>
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
<><>
If I’m lazy and I can’t come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write ‘Freudian’ on it.
<><>
Terrorists—most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these
expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all
over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration
<><>
CanadiumEh - Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid.
Often mistaken with Boron.
<><>
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick.
<><>
Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic? Take a look at your driver’s license.
<><>
West Virginia has a very small town called “Big Ugly”. There was a woman from Big Ugly who entered a beauty pageant, and won. The head line in the local paper read, “Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant”.
<><>
SONG TITLES
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?  At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
<><>
Dr. C. Howett Fields, Proctologist.
<><>
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
<><>
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o’-latern by
it’s diameter? Pumpkin PI
<><>
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? A frostbite.
<><>
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she’s going home for Rosh Hashanah.
“Oh,” the Catholic girl says. “That’s the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replies. “That’s Hanukah.” “Oh, right,” the Catholic girl says. “ Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replies. “That’s Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar.”
“See,” the Catholic Girl says. “That’s what I like about you Jews... you’re so good to the hired help.”
<><>
Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake.
<><>
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. “Mom,” she said, “I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.”  The mother took a deep breath and began, “When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing...”  “I know how to fuck, mother,” the bride-to-be interrupted.  “I want you to teach me how to make lasagna.”
<><>
Seen on a T-shirt:  “My sexual preference is not you.”
<><>
Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
<><>
Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, “It’s been a long time now. I really need to have sex.”
Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, “Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a ‘lady of joy’ and treat her to your manly pleasures.”
And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night’s events. “My friend,” he said, grinning from ear to ear, “It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times..”
“37 times!” exclaimed Odin. “That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!”
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. “I’m sorry about last night, but you see, I’m Thor...”
“You’re Thor?” shouted the girl. “You’re Thor? What about me? I’m tho thor I can hardly pith!”
<><>
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a mind-bogglingly stupid animal.  It assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you—daft as a brush, but very very ravenous.
<><>
The Wolf Man comes home one day after a long day at the office.  “How was work, dear?” his wife asks.  “Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he barks.
“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.
“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat?”
After this he continues to yell and shout and making a huge fuss. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon, and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”
<><>
What kind of clothes do Zombies wear?  Decay NY.
What kind of music do Mummies listen to?  Wrap.
What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?  Scared stiff.
<><>
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh, it’s okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you’d say, “Aw fuck you,get outta here,” and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.
<><>
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great
force. -Dorothy Parker
<><>
When does a Mexican become a Spaniard?  When he marries your daughter.
<><>
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiance’s mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.  Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my soon-to-be father-in-law.  He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their “little test” was bullshit, but I’m marrying their daughter, not them.
I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.
<><>
A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol.
<><>
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman.  “Can I help you?” the madam asked.  “I want to see Natalie,” the old man replied.  “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...” “No, I must see Natalie.”  Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, then the man calmly left.  The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.  Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.  Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left.  When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.  Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.  At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”  The old man replied, “I’m from Cleveland.”  “Really?” replied Natalie. “I have family who lives there.”  “Yes, I know,” said the old man. “Your father died, and I’m your sister’s attorney.  She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
<><>
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a  man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom’s hand and said, “Momma, look at the bowlegged man!”
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn’t go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.  Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother’s hand and said, “Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?”
<><>
I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch.
<><>
Here at First National, you’re not just a number - you’re two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
<><>
Camping isn’t what it used to be. ‘Honey, I’m going to go get some firewood, do you have change for a twenty?’
<><>
Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.  Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips’\: What an English barber does for a living.
Heroes \hee’-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left’ bangk’\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Parasites \par’-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po’-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
<><>
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.
<><>
It is said that when you tell an Scotsman a joke, he will laugh three times.  First - when you tell it, to be polite. Second - when you explain it, to be polite. And third - in the middle of the night when he wakes up and finally gets it.
When you tell a Frenchman the same joke, he will laugh twice.  First - when you tell it, to be polite. And second - when you explain it, to be polite.  He won’t laugh a third time because he will never get it.
When you tell an American the same joke he won’t laugh at all. Instead he will say, “It’s an old joke and besides, you tell it all wrong!”
<><>
Carpe Dig’Em
Seize the Sugar Smacks
<><>
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
“Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.  I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! ...........I tell you, I just shit my pants.”  The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.” The old man shook his head and said, “No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!”
<><>
What do you call a small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon?
Gorge Bush
<><>
It was reported that a woman is suing the chairman of Weight Watchers for sexual harassment. As a result, the chairman of Weight Watchers could lose up to $1 million in just 30 days.
<><>
TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES  And, they all really exist...
dam.mit.edu
monarch.butterfly.net
gratuitouslylonghostname.apana.org.au
drag.net
my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu
tragically.hip.berkeley.edu
dislocated.hip.berkeley.edu
ohsaycan.ucc.american.edu
huh_huh.fire.com
vo.mit.edu
<><>
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered “I am the Father of many.” The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest getting impatient said “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly ... but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
<><>
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Wonton spelled backwards is Not Now.
<><>
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.
<><>
Hear about the enterprising rabbi that’s offering circumcision via the Internet? The service is called E-MOIL.
<><>
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
<><>
What do you call artificial spaghetti? Impasta
<><>
Sherry, a flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Cohen for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, ‘Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’ And they will grow on their own.”
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. She really loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus, began rubbing her nipples and said, “Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to dopey Dr.Cohen by any chance?”
Shocked Sherry said, “Why yes, I do. How did you know?”
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, “Hickory dickory dock...”
<><>
An Israeli man suffered a heart attack after he had a visit from a call girl in his hotel room. Contrary to any preconceived notions, the 48-year-old businessman sustained the attack not because of ruckus activity, but due to the fact that the call girl was his own daughter. The mere sight of his child as she entered the room sent the man into such shock that his heart failed on him. After returning home, the man’s wife decided to divorce him and vowed to put her daughter back on the “right path.” It is safe to say that the man was heart-broken.
<><>
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
<><>
A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, “Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?”  She says, “Hello, you Little Fuck.”
<><>
A man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.”  “But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”   After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”  Excitedly Bill asked, “And that will cure me?”   “No,” replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”
<><>
We drive into the future using only our rearview mirror.
<><>
CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
BUY, BUY: A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God
<><>
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
<><>
My Uncle Epheus was thrown out of the Special Forces.  He raided Macy’s because he heard Bed Linen was on the 4th floor.
<><>
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.  This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.  The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, “That’s it.”
<><>
Uncle Epheus awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. “Why are all the blinds closed?” he asked the doctor.  “Well,” the surgeon responded, “They’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.”
<><>
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”  The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.
Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.  He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”  The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto, we’re still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?” The Indian says, “Me in training for Executive Management job. Drink coffee, shoot the shit and disappear for a few days.
<><>
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
<><>
The last time somebody said, ‘I find I can write much better with a word processor.’, I replied, ‘They used to say the same thing about drugs.’
<><>
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
JESUS SAVES . . .He Shoots. . . He. . .Scores!
Save Your Breath ... You’ll need it to blow up your date!
<><>
A snail was run over by a turtle. The snail ended up in the hospital and his friends came to visit him. One of them asked “What happened?”. He said “I don’t know, it all happened so fast”.
<><>
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”  “Yes,” the golfer responded.  “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”  “Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.  “Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?” The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...  “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
<><>
I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
<><>
What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxicabs
<><>
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
<><>
Can you spell eighty in two letters?  A-T.
<><>
If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.  My wife said she’d like to have sex in the back seat of the car...and she wanted me to drive.
It isn’t premarital sex,if you have no intention of getting married.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.  There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,particularly in women ... among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.  Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
<><>
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened is trench coat and flashed her.  Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”
<><>
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she
meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.’  Marin
County, Calif., newspaper’s TV listing for ‘The Wizard of Oz’
<><>
Smoking Tech Problem

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance...  Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files...  Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...  Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...  Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.COM’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...  About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?  Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...  Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE...
<><>
Peter Marshall:  Does Mark Spitz think swimming in the nude makes you swim faster?
Paul Lynde:  Well, it helps with the steering.
<><>
New Home Cloning Kit Instructions: Go fuck yourself.
<><>
“Hello, is this Bonnie D, we are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey.” “I am BUSY, you will have to survey your own briefs.”
<><>
“The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people.” the teacher informed his class. “Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?”
After a reflective pause, Little Johnny volunteered, “Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years.”
<><>
What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?  Legs.
What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? Pockets.
What does a dog do that a man steps into? Pants
What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid? Coconut
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Bubble gum
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on
three legs? Shake hands
What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and
excitement? Firetruck
<><>
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river.  They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”  Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.”  Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman.  She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.
<><>
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:
Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You’re Drunk:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you’re not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn’t - no one wants to hear me sing!
<><>
------- Czech Prisoner Caught Talking Out of His Ass -------
A Czech prisoner could end up serving a longer sentence after guards heard voices coming from his backside. Prison wardens in Brno say they discovered the 48-year-old had hidden a tiny walky-talky up his butt. He was allegedly using it to communicate with his wife to arrange bribes for investigators and lawyers involved in the case against him. She would park her car a few hundred meters from the prison, every day. “I have worked here since 1996 but I can’t recollect ever finding anything stuck in such parts,” said Sona Haluzova, spokeswoman for the Brno prison.
<><>
GENEVA - A miniature Frenchman lost his battle in court with U.N. officials, keeping him from practicing his preferred occupation. Manuel Wackenheim argued the 1995 ban enforced by the highest administrative court in France that abolished “dwarf throwing” and kept him out of a job. The ruling of the court has deprived Wackenheim of “being hurled around discotheques by burly men.” The U.N. Human Rights Committee claimed that the ban was necessary to protect public order. Many out-of-work dwarves are unsure of their future plans, but some ideas are being tossed around.
<><>
Mensa means ‘stupid girl’ in Spanish.
<><>
Why did the Amish couple get divorced? He was driving her buggy.
<><>
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.  “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.  Mary put her hand up and said, “Mooooo!”  “Very good,” replied the teacher.  “What sound do sheep make?”  “Baaaa,” answered Billy.  She continued this for a while. Then she asked, “What sound does a pig make?”  All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class.  He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, “Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!”
<><>
A blonde teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation... Trying to make the matter clear, she said, “Now, class,  if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would  run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”  “Yes,” the class said.  “Then why is it that while I am standing upright the  blood doesn’t run into my feet?”   The answer came from the back of the class, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
<><>
A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says “Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!”  He ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!”  He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: “Hi, my name is Andy and I am driving a Salt Truck!”
<><>
“This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.” -Ted Walsh - Horse
racing commentator
<><>
Quotes from Governor and President George W. Bush
“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” “Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
“Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.” “Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.” “The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in thiscentury. I didn’t live in this century.”
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.”
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.” “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”
“The future will be better tomorrow.”
“We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.” “People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” “We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.” “Public speaking is very easy.”
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” “When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple : Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.” “Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.” “The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make.”
“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
<><>
He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.
<><>
Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. That’s actually what caused many of their deaths.... pillow fights.
<><>
A pretty young lass had just joined the golf club, and Greg offered to give her some instruction. He stood close behind her and showed her how grip the club and how to swing back and forward.
Their moving bodies caused the zipper on his fly to get caught in the zipper of her skirt. They were stuck fast together.  Slowly they were moving towards the club house to get assistance, when suddenly a big brown dog jumped out from behind a bush and threw a bucket water over them.
<><>
In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said ‘Let there be light’. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.
<><>
“Close that door. Do you think you were born in a barn?” - Jesus’ mother
<><>
The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for the rumors she’d heard about his affair with a typist who worked for him.  “You obviously don’t appreciate the difference between a woman of fine breeding and position, and a tragic, loose little office slut.” his mother-in-Law admonished him.  The man replied, “And you, my dear Mrs. Johnson obviously don’t appreciate the difference between cool, dignified acquiescence, and genuine, enthusiastic boots ‘n’ all fucking.”
<><>
We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising. 10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs. 10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs. And the other 80% preferred what’s in-between.
<><>
Sequels to our favorite movies...
Dirty Dances With Wolves
What About Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice?
Pee-Wee’s Big Adventures In Babysitting
Marathon Rain Man
When Dirty Harry Met Sally...
Nightmare On Wall Street
Star Trek II: The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan
License To Kill A Mockingbird
Young Naked Guns
The Elephant Man With Two Brains
Peggy Sue Got Married To The Mob
Three Men And Rosemary’s Baby
Lambada: The Forbidden Planet
Zorro, The Gay Blade Runner
2001 Dalmatians
Smokey And The Time Bandits
The Creature From The Blue Lagoon
Terminators Of Endearment

...and our favorite...
Godzilla Must Be Crazy!
<><>
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.  He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”  The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.  “Yale,” she replied.  The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
<><>
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.  “In my day,” grumbled Gramps, “we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes.”  “But grandpa,” replied the grandson, “that IS a whore’s shoe.”
<><>
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, a beautiful young woman waited me on. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn’t sure.  So she asked now big I was and I said, “Compared to what?”  She held up one finger and asked if I was that big.  I said, “I’m bigger than that.”  Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.  I said, “I’m bigger than that.”  Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big.  I said, “I’m about that big.”  She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, “You’re a medium.”
<><>
One evening, an older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set the drink down, he asked the old man, “Going to a party?”   “Yes. It’s a costume party,” the man answered. “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”  “But, you look like Abraham Lincoln,” protested the bartender.  The old gentleman replied, “That’s right, sonny. My last four scores were seven years ago.”
<><>
“I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx
<><>
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
<><>
A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield.  “Oh! He’s my favorite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?” he asked the tattooist.  So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson. “Oh, good Lord!”  the queer blurted out. “I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?”  So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, “Well, drop your trousers, give us a look.”  He dropped his pants and showed his ass.  His boyfriend gasped and replied, “I think our relationship is over! I sure as hell ain’t getting in the ring with those two.”
<><>
You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.
<><>
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I
thought, what good
would that
do?
<><>
When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, “Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?”  The chemist replied, “Son, do you know what condoms are used for?”  “Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases.”  The chemist was impressed. “That’s right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?” Van paused and then answered, “Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat’s back stand up.”
<><>
When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.  Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: ‘Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.’
Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.  Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.  Understandably, he shot her dead.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.
<><>
Mensa Test

Q: What do you put in a toaster?
*
*
*
*
A: The answer is bread.  If you said “toast,” then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said “bread”, go to the next question.
 

Q: Say “silk” five times.  Now, spell “silk.”  What do cows drink?
*
*
*
*
A: Cows drink water.  If you said “milk”, please do not attempt the next question.  Your brain is obviously over-stressed and may even overheat.  It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as “Children’s World.”  If you said “water”, then proceed to the next question.
 

Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with?
*
*
*
*
A: Greenhouses are made from glass.  If you said “green bricks,” what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said “glass”, then go on to the next question.
 

Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.  If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing.  Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of “no-man’s-land” between East Germany and West Germany.  Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in “no-man’s-land?”
*
*
*
*
A:  You don’t, of course, bury the survivors.  If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.  Your efforts would not be appreciated...  If you said, “Don’t bury the survivors” then proceed to the next question.
 

Q:  If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
*
*
*
*
A: One degree.  If you said “360 degrees” or anything else other than “one degree”, you are to be  congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league.  Turn your pencil in and exit the room.  Everyone else proceed to the final question.
 

Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.  In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.  In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.  In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.  In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.  You then arrive at Milford Haven.  Now, what was the name of the bus driver?
*
*
*
*
A:  Oh, for Heaven’s sake... It was you!
<><>
The reason 30+ year old women get carded is because the cashiers and bagboys make bets on how OLD you really are and someone has to find out. They know you would lie if they asked you.
<><>
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.”
<><>
Canada is the vichyssoise of nations. Cold, half-French and difficult to stir.
<><>
Two Arabs are chatting.  One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.  “Yeah, this is my oldest. He’s a martyr.   Here’s my second son.  He’s a martyr, too.” ..There’s a pause...  The second Arab says, wistfully, “Ah, they blow up so fast, don’t they?”
<><>
Vegetarian - that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.’
<><>
Johnny’s dad walks into the bathroom and sees Johnny scrubbing his dick with
a toothbrush.  His dad says what the hell are you doing!  He says “there’s
no way I’m getting a cavity like my sister”
<><>
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.”
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, “What on earth does Jesus mean - ‘the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?’”
Peter said, “Don’t worry, guys. It’s just another one of his parabolas.”
<><>
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.
<><>
I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I
go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx
<><>
I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder, but it’s sad that it never knew it’s real ladder.
<><>
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative. I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how would you like to go to the six o’clock aerobics class?” Clear as a bell my body said, “do it and die.”
<><>
Here’s a tip to stay awake during a long car ride... Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window.
<><>
There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.
<><>
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
<><>
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
<><>
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.
<><>
Speaking of painful deaths, what was JFK Jr. drinking just before the crash?
Ocean Spray.
<><>
Terms for Female Masturbation
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Damming the beaver
Dialing “O” on the little pink telephone
Impeaching Bush
Menage a moi
Petting the kitty
Polishing the little pink pearl
Roughing up the suspect
Unbuttoning the fur coat
<><>
Sally told her friend, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”
<><>
Photons have mass!? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
<><>
Uncle Epheus and a woman are waiting for a bus when they get to talking.  “Say,” said the woman. “Do you have a hobby?”  “Naturally, a hobby I got , I’m a bee keeper.”  “Well, you must live in the country then.”  “Nope, right here in the city.”  “Really? You must have a large house then.”  “Nope, apartment.”  “Geez, where do you keep’m?”  “A shoe box in my closet.”  “A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?”  “Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?”  “Well, you can’t keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They’ll die!”  “So fuck’em. I hate bees.”
<><>
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.  The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!”.
<><>
Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?  He was feeling down in the dumps.
<><>
Ewwww.  DNA was used to convict a man for bestiality after two dogs were found dressed in women’s underwear in his garage (Winnipeg, Manitoba, July).  A 19-year-old worker at the Kargher candy factory suffocated when he accidentally fell into a 1,200-gallon vat of chocolate (Hatfield, Pa., July). Firefighters acknowledged a particularly pesky fire, which burned for more than 50 hours before being extinguished, at a Kingsford Charcoal plant (Pulaski County, Ky.).
<><>
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT...
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?  Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?  Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You’ve got to be &%#@ kidding!
Clerk: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!  Clerk: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint.  Customer: The price went up as we were talking?  Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I’ll have enough.  Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.  Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems.  Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, “Paint on sale from $10 a litre” signs?  Clerk: Well that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else!  Clerk: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us.  And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!  Clerk: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir.  Customer: You’re insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
<><>
HOW TO BATHE A CAT
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(You may need to stand on the lid that he cannot escape.) The cat will self - agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “Power Wash” and “Rinse”, which I have found to be effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, to start the jet drying action and run outside where he continues to dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog
<><>
The "Stella Awards" rank up there with the Darwin awards.  Stella Liebeck is the 81-year-old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds.  This case inspired an annual award,  The "Stella Award", for the most frivolous lawsuit in the US.  The following are this year's candidates:

 
January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.  The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little brat was Ms. Robertson's son.

June 1998: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.  Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
 
October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage.  He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.  He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.  The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.  He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.  He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle.  The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard.  The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
 
May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx.  The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.  This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.  She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City.

In November 2000 Mr.Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having merged onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph (110 km/h) and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee.  Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this.  He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.

Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.
<><>
A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.  The rabbi asked, “Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?”  The youngster said, “Of course not, Father!”
<><>
What is the first sign of aids?  The pounding sensation up your ass.
<><>
During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.  The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
<><>
John and Lorraine had been dating each other for years and were getting bored of each other. They became like a married couple, nagging and sarcasm in all their conversations. One day John met a girl named Cleary. She was pretty, smart and funny and John longed to break up with Lorraine and date Cleary but he couldn’t. Then one day Lorraine was walking along the side of a river when she fell in and drowned. When John heard the news he was so happy he sang “I can see Cleary now, Lorraine is gone!”
<><>
What happened to the two silkworms in a race? They wound up in a tie.
<><>
It seems Mattel came out with a “Nimbus 2000” broomstick as seen in last year’s block-buster movie HARRY POTTER. This toy features special effects including: magical swooping and whooshing sounds and also a vibrating feature provided by three AA batteries. Remember, this is a toy broom...that you are supposed to ride...by putting it between your legs.
An Amazon.com web page for the “Nimbus 2000 Broom” that showed customer comments along the lines of...
“My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter’s friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick!”
And...
“This toy was #1 on my daughter’s Christmas list. So what the heck, I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn’t until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized the toy VIBRATES when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on---what were the creators of this toy thinking? She’ll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed.”
<><>
Weird Sports
Tejo - A Colombian game where players toss stones to try and set off
blasting caps placed on a hard surface atop a mound of earth or sand
Competetive Kite Flying - In Southeast Asia kites are labeled “male” or “female”. The object is for the male kites, adorned with sharp edges, to shed and crash female kites which are to fly in a designated zone for a certain amount of time.
Fish Fighting - A Thai sport in which fish are raised to fight and then thrown into a tank together to see which one survives.
Buzkashi - An Afghan sport in which a player attempts to pick up a headless goat or calf carcass while riding on horseback and then break free from his opponents.
Wife Carrying - Men in America carry their wives or other women over an obstacle course in the annual North American Wife Carrying Championships held in Maine.
<><>
What I learned in school - you can hide your walkman inside your coat - remove cord from headphones and pull it through your shirt sleeve - put ear peice in the palm of your hand, and rest your head on it.
<><>
Why was the cannibal kicked out of school? He was caught buttering up the teacher.
<><>
Why is a school house red? If you had seven periods a day, you’d be red too.
<><>
I hate camping. I don’t see the fun in paying money to basically live like a homeless person. If I wanted to sleep in a tent for a night, it would be in the line-up for the next Star Wars movie.
<><>
Driving a convertible has changed my eating habits while driving. I used to
eat those Hostess Mini Donut Gems with the white powdered sugar. Now at
times I find I’m eating a bald donut with white junk on my face. “But,
Officer, it was a donut!”  - Paula Poundstone
<><>
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were walking through the forest when Sleeping Beauty turned and said, “I must be the most beautiful girl in the world.” To that, Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest.” And Quasimodo “I must be the ugliest in the world.” With that, Tom Thumb said, “Why don’t we go to Guinness and have them certify us in their book of World Records?” So Sleeping Beauty went in and came out, “I am, I am, I’m the most beautiful girl in the world.”  Next, Tom Thumb came out, “It’s official, I’m the smallest in the world.” Finally, Quasimodo came out, “Who the hell is Linda Tripp?”.
<><>
Tips on staying safe...
The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.  The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
Something like 99% of us will be exposed to, or become a victim of a violent crime.
Reasons people are easy targets for random acts of violence include:
Lack of awareness
You must know where you are and what’s going on around you.
Body language
Keep your head up, swing your arms, stand up straight.
Wrong place, wrong time
Don’t walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night.
People have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc).  Don’t do this! A predator could be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. As soon as you get into your car, lock the doors and leave.
A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.  Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If someone you couldn’t fight is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
It is always better to be safe than sorry.
(and better paranoid than dead.)

Always take the elevator instead of the stairs.
(stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, always run!  The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely will not be a vital organ.    Run!
Do not be sympathetic to strangers.
Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well educated man, who always played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help”  into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
Pat Malone (who’s teaching this is based on) tells the story of his daughter, who came out of the mall and was walking to her car when she noticed 2 older ladies in front of her.
Then she saw a police car come towards her with cops who said hello. She also noticed that all 8 handicap spots in the area were empty. As she neared her car she saw a man a few rows over calling to her for help. He wanted her to close his passenger side door.  He was sitting in the back on the driver’s side, and said he was handicapped. He continued calling, until she turned and headed back to the mall, and then he began cursing at her.
In the meantime, she wondered why he didn’t ask the 2 older ladies, or the policeman for help, and why he was not parked in any of the empty handicap spots. As she got back to the mall, two male friends of hers were exiting, and as she told them the story, and turned to point at the car, the man was getting out of the back seat into the front and the car sped away.
Don’t get caught in this trap.
Please feel free to forward this. It may save a life.
<><>
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
<><>
My husband and I were walking around our yard, looking at things that were, or were not, coming up in the gardens. We stopped at to look at a few sorry looking stalks coming up out of a patch of ground.  At my husband’s questioning look, I gestured to the stalks and said, “Peonies.” He replied, “I don’t think it will help.”
<><>
Have you heard that the Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton? The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
<><>
“You know me, why don’t you talk to me?”  She replies, “Yes, I know you.
You’re Morgan - big M, small organ.”
<><>
If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a  look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
<><>
Dolly, the famous cloned sheep, got pregnant in the old-fashioned, conventional way—by a shepherd.
<><>
After a year of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone.
<><>
Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?
<><>
IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!
<><>
Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.
<><>
What do you get if you cross a Freeway with a bicycle? Killed
<><>
The other day I was sitting around the house listening to an Alanis Morissette CD, and the doorbell rang, so I slipped the gun out of my mouth.
<><>
Can music make you think? It made Stevie Wonder
<><>
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard.  A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.  The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.  “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!  “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot!
You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
<><>
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
<><>
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
<><>
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
<><>
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.”
<><>
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
<><>
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
<><>
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
<><>
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
<><>
Last night while I lay sleeping, I died or so it seems.
Then I went to Heaven, But it was only in my dreams
But it seems St. Peter met me, There at the Pearly Gate.
He said, “I must check your record, So stand right here and wait.”
“I see where you drank alcohol, and swore quite often too.
Fact is you’ve done many things that a good person shouldn’t do.
“We can’t have people like you up here, Your life was full of sin.”
Then he read the last of my record, Grasped my hand and said, “Come in.”
He took me to the Big Boss, “Take her and please treat her well, She’s worked in INSURANCE, Sir, She’s had her share of HELL.”
<><>
If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame? The motorcyclist is.
He shouldn’t have been riding in the kitchen.
<><>
A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can’t walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.
“I don’t think I would have been able to catch my hat,” said the Rabbi.  “Thank you very much.” The Rabbi then places his hand on the man’s shoulder and says, “May God bless you.”
The young man thinks to himself, “I’ve been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!” So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he’s been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi’s hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
“So where’s the money?” she asks.
“I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.”
“You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.”
<><>
Viagra Advertising Slogans
It’s “Whaazzzzz Up!”
The quicker pecker upper
Like a rock!
When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
Be all that you can be.
Reach out and touch someone.
Tastes great!  More filling!
We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
<><>
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his penis on the counter. “What are you doing, Sir?”, she asks.  “This is a clock shop!!” He replied, “I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!”
<><>
Why can’t drivers ed and sex ed be taught in the same night in Alabama?
Which class gets to use the car?
Why can’t drivers ed and sex ed be taught in the same night in Afghanistan?
It’s too hard on the camels.
<><>
What is a perpetual beaver colony?  Eternal dam nation
<><>
What did one comet say to the other comet? Glad to meteor.
<><>
It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame.
<><>
The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle... Unless you die of something.
<><>
The best things in life really are free. So how many kittens you want?
<><>
Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it’s running.  There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother’s age.  Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.  Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.  An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don’t have small kids.  Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!  Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
<><>
Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things—no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.  You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches,” which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bull’s-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma’s teeth.
The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
<><><>
I was at a wedding this past weekend, and I was seated at a table with two Indians (dots not feathers). They all got to talking and I couldn’t help eavesdropping. They were both doctors. One was a cardiologist and the other was a GP. As they became more familiar one of them asked, “Vat region are you from?” (They both had heavy accents.)
The other replied, “Punjab.”
Before I knew what I was doing I said, “Poonjob? I thought that was something that cost extra in a whorehouse.”
<><><>
How do you make an orange laugh?  Tickle its navel.
<><>
If a chicken crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back, what is it?  A dirty double crosser.
<><><>
“You’re an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You’ll always be an idiot.  If they had an idiot contest, you’d come in second.”  “Why would I come in second?” “Because you’re an idiot!”
<><>
If at first you don’t succeed, aim lower.
Let him who is without aim cast the first stone.
If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
Practice random and senseless acts.
I’m not losing hair, I’m getting head.
I’m not littering, I’m donating to the Earth!
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger please.
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Back off! I’m not that kind of car.
I snatch kisses and vice versa.
My other ride is your girlfriend.
Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?
Cracker Jacks must be in the license business again.
I believe in dragons, good men and other mythological creatures.
Have a nice day, somewhere else.
Don’t let your mind wonder. It’s too little to be left alone.
I can tell your parents are close. I’m guessing second cousins.
I haven’t been the same since that house fell on my sister.
I’ve found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.
Pass with care. I chew tobacco.
Get a taste of religion. Lick a witch.
In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
Welcome to Shit Creek. Sorry, we’re out of paddles.
Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.
Wink. I’ll do the rest.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Nonconformists are all alike.
Don’t laugh at these fogged up windows. It’s your daughter in here.
If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Honk if you hate noise pollution.
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children.
Worry. God knows all about you.
Fight crime, shoot back.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada.
Suicide is a way of telling God, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
The early worm gets caught.
Plunder globally. Manage media locally.
Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
<><>
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?  How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone “draw a blank”?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?  How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?  If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?  If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the iside of the tube?  If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If you have a friend who is a psychic, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?  Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?  When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
If a zombie in Haiti is resurrected twice, is that called deja voodoo?
What goes tick-tick-tick-tick-woof? A watchdog.
I thought breast-fed was a female F.B.I. agent.
What do you get if you cross a shellfish and a rabbit? The Oyster Bunny Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
Dr. Livingstone I Presume. Dr. Izzy Presume, at your service.  I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have
seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the
church. - Ferdinand Magellan
<><>
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, “Greetings, earthling. We come in  peace. Take us to your leader.”
The petrol pump, of course, didn’t respond. The alien repeated the greeting.  There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump’s haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, “Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”
The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you mustn’t anger him!” But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, “What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?”
The other alien answered, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it’s that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don’t mess with him!”
<><>
A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.
The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, “Come this way.”
“If I could come that way,” she said, “I wouldn’t need a vibrator!”
<><>
There are 10 kinds of people in the world:  those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
<><>
About the person who plans to sue you for causing his long erections...It probably won’t stand up in court.
<><>
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being  brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell.
<><>
My wife asked me to go to the video store and get ‘Scent of a Woman’ the other day.  She hit me when I came back with a ‘Fish Called Wanda’.
<><>
What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?  A huddle.
Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who’s driving?  The police.
Why can’t Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?  It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
Doctors say because of Michael Irvin’s broken clavicle, it will be 6-8 weeks before he can videotape a teammate having sex.
I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator, so now they want a Coke machine.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on grass.
<><>
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.  Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
<><>
Q: What do cat actors say on stage ?
A: Tabby or not tabby !

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
A: She’s got that down in the mouth look !
Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!
<><>
Q: How do you find your way around a dark castle?
A: Use a knight light.
<><>
The police aren’t here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve
disorder. - The late Chicago mayor Richard J. Daley
<><>
She is so nasty, I saw her at a yard sale trying on underwear.
<><>
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who screwed us in the past.
<><>
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
<><>
Love means never having to say, “Does that twenty include the spanking?”
<><>
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn’t kill you to wash your hands in between either.
<><>
A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.
<><>
When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.
<><>
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn’t looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That’ll learn him.
<><>
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
<><>
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can’t even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. [Eww!] I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it...so I said “Implants?”
I have my own little world. But it’s OK...they know me here.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.  Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
<><>
I think I’d be a good mother. Maybe a little overprotective. Like I would never let the kid out....of my body.
<><>
Rembrandt painted seven hundred canvases in his lifetime, and America has all ten thousand of them.
<><>
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
<><>
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
<><>
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
<><>
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
<><>
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
<><>
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
<><>
“There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the U.S., and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana can cause white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers and any others... The primary reason to outlaw marijuana is its effect on the degenerate races.”
---Excerpt from the testimony of Harry J. Anslinger, director at the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, before the U.S. Senate in 1937.
<><>
NEW WORDS FOR 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton’s Grand Jury testimony is another.  Expect more near Sept. 11th.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the shit out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.
ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.  Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404:
Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS:
Well Off Older Folks
<><>
I don’t know if I’m alive and dreaming or dead and remembering.
<><>
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor.   Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.  He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness.  But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: “Don’t worry, Freddy!  It’s just a stage you’re going through!”
<><>
Get off the cook stove,grandpa, you’re too old to ride the range.
<><>
People in love typically behave mushy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.
<><>
I thought the general rule was “don’t mix sex, religion, and politics.” In which case you probably don’t want to hear about the time I fucked the Pope in the ass on Election Day.
<><>
Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled
by perennially rejuvenated illusions.—Albert Einstein
<><>
I asked my Uncle Epheus what he thought about George W. Bush.  He said, “Ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” I asked him what a “post turtle” was.  He said, “Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That’s a post turtle.”
<><>
“My theory is that a computer interface should hurt the user. So I designed
new sounds into the product. We’ve got ‘Sound of Puking’, ‘Fingernails on
Blackboard’ and ‘Bird Hitting Window’. But suppose the user does something
WRONG. Then we have the sound of a puking bird hitting a black-
board.” -Scott Adams
<><>
“I need the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona,” a Brooklyn boy said to the operator.
“There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona,” the operator said. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, “Well...most people here just call me Izzy.”
<><>
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches.  He stops in front of the holy water and splashed some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest said, “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle.  Tell me, where is this man?”  “Flat on his ass over by the holy water, Father.”
<><>
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And
for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.’”—Bob
Newhart
<><>
What do lesbians do when they are on their period?  Finger paint.
<><>
What can be said about someone who falls asleep on top of the wet spot? You could say they were overcome.
<><>
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. - W. C. Fields
<><>
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.  In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
“Astonishing!” the truck driver said to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?”  The crew chief said, “Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”
<><>
Q: Why are most gorillas not interested in politics?  A:Because they are
ape-olitical
<><>
There was a dude with long hair walking through the airport in Salt Lake City. As he was passing a much more conservative couple, he overheard the asshole husband say, “I can’t tell if that’s a girl or a boy.”
So the long-haired dude walked up to him and said, “Why don’t you suck my dick and find out.”
<><>
100 years ago...
· Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
· Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
· There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
· The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
· The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
· The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
· The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
· A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a  veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
· Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
· More the 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
· Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education.  Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as “substandard”.
· Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
· The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn’t been admitted to the Union yet.
· The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.
· Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”
· Punch-card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.
<><>
We all know that water is important but I’ve never seen it written down like this before.
75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
Even MILD dehydration will slow down one’s metabolism as much as 3%.  One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.  Preliminary research indicates that 8-10  glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to  80% of sufferers.  A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
<><>
Realizing that I’d put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband,  “I’m fat.”  And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: “You’re not fat.” To support his position, he added, “Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat.”  But our daughter, a high schooler, saw through it: “Mom, he’s grading you on the curve!”
<><>
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I
realized that I had no character
<><>
After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history.
<><>
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. “Are you hiring any help?” she asked.
“No,” he said. “We already have all the staff we need.”
“Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?” she asked.
<><>
Walk to school
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the “big boys.” He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?”
Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yea, I know who she is.”
The little friend said, “Well who is she?”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest” Timmy said.
“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much.
And in it, the prayer psalm says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.” so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.
<><>
The following was overheard at a recent high society party...
“My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great,” said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, “How far does your family go back?”
“I don’t know,” was the reply. “All of our records were lost in the flood.”
<><>