Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
It was split right up the front
But she didn't wear that one very often.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simple Simon met a Pie man, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman to Simple Simon
Pies, you fruitcake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said ‘Forget him, he's only an egg.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky
silly Jill forgot her pill
and now there's little Frankie.
<><><>
HOME REMEDIES...

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
AND... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
And Finally… If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
<><>
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything without success.
One day, she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!”
<><>
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
<><>
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"
<><>
I was in a bookstore recently when I overheard a man ask a clerk for an introductory computer book written on a children's level. The clerk asked the man, "How old is the child?" The man replied, "I'm 51."
<><>
What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on.
Me? I’m more Pagnostic.
<><>
"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards."
<><>
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
<><>
The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other's asses.
<><>
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........the article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, some Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider, a large spliff and some cheese triangles.
You have no idea how fucking good I feel....
<><>
What do they call the Jewish Mafia? Kosher Nostra
<><>
Murder is a crime. Describing murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is.
<><>
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6thrace. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!
Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!!
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”
<><>
Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?
<><>
A blond was applying for a job with the federal government and when filling out the application form she came to this question: "do you favor the overthrow of the united states government by force, subversion, or violence?" after thinking about it she checked "violence."
<><>
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one
of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which
one made you fart.
<><>
A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in K-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the K-Mart.
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mum, let's! run through the rain," she said.
"What?" Mum asked. "Let's run through the rain!" She repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mum replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mum, let's run through the rain," "We'll get soaked if we do," Mum said.
"No, we won't, Mum. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mum's arm.
Mum said, "This morning? ... When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"
"Don't you remember?" Little girl replied. "When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mum paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh ! it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's' life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mum said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
<><>
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you." "Why, because you miss me?" "No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."
<><>
After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."
<><>
He said to the Genie "Very well, I want to awaken with three white American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning he woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
<><>
I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.
<><>
If you could fly twice the speed of light, you could land on Mars, get out of your spaceship and watch yourself come. Or, cheaper way, install mirrors on your bedroom ceiling.
<><>
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.
<><>
In a new interview, Uma Thurman says that when she wants to lose weight, she keeps her food intake down by eating in the nude. Actually, I tried that once, but I was kicked out of Denny's.
<><>
"The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best known ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to lift. They called her the nutcracker."
<><>
If actress Tuesday Weld had married actor Frederic March, and they had a daughter named Tuesday, would she now be known as Tuesday March the 2nd?
<><>
Did you know that the theme to the Dick Van Dyke show had lyrics? Morey Amsterdam wrote them. They never aired but Dick has sung them on a couple of shows.
So you think that you've got trouble. - Well trouble's a bubble. - So tell old mister trouble to get lost.
Why not hold your head up high and - Stop cryin', start tryin'. - And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.
When you find the joy of living - Is loving and giving, - You'll be there when the winning dice are tossed.
A smile is just a frown that's turned upside-down. - So smile and that frown'll get lost, - And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.
<><>
P M S
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid- Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
...and finally...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
<><>
Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't they ever think to do their work during the daytime?
<><>
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
<><>
In Cleveland, two guys were rummaging around in their car, looking for money to pay their bar bill. A drunk off-duty cop sees them and pulls his gun. At one point he holds his gun to the head of the car owner, at another time he points it at another guy for ‘staring’ at him. The scariest part of this story read: Lakewood police arrested the deputy, Jamie Bonnette, 29, who was charged with public intoxication, aggravated menacing and using a weapon while intoxicated, all misdemeanors. Holy shit! I ain’t going to Cleveland!
<><>
An old couple, both in their 80's, were on a sentimental holiday back to the pub where they first met. They're sitting having a pint and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex here over fifty years ago? We went behind the pub, you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind." "Oh, Yes!", she says, "I remember it well." "How about taking a stroll round there again and seeing if we can do it for old times sake?" "Ooh Henry, you devil, what a good idea". A man sitting at the next table listening to all this chuckles to himself. 'I've got to see these two old timers trying to have sex against a fence.' So he follows them. The old couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around, the old man moves in, and as she hangs on to the fence they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They buck and jump like eighteen-year-olds for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" and he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. After a few minutes of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. While they recover, the observing man - who is quite amazed - starts thinking. Has learned something about life that he didn't know? Do his own aged parents still have sex like this? Is there something I can learn from this old man that will help me when I get to be his age? As the couple pass by, he says to them, "Excuse me. I came out of the pub to take a leak and I happened to see you making love. You must have been at it for about forty minutes! How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No secret, son", the old man pants, "fifty years ago that bloody fence wasn't electric."
<><>
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in major corporations, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course my favorite...........
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
<><>
A little Haiku:
Catholicism
celebacy in action
molested children
<><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spotted in a toilet of a office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
<><>
At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Mexican. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the crap out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returned to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about a job."
<><>
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two antenna meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed???" "No, because he's really, really heavy."
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, and when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however." "Oh, what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples." "None of my people in my tribe have nipples, " she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if youd don't mind." She said, "OK." "First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied................ We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred.
<><>
Real from News of the Weird:
Ms. Dorothy M. Death, 91, died in Van Wert, Ohio, in July, but Jon David Died, of Akron, Ohio, is quite alive. (In fact, he accused the county Board of Elections in August of botching papers that he had filed to run for the Akron City Council.) And expatriate American Thomas Frank White, now living in Thailand, was accused by Mexico in May of having had sex with children; to fight extradition, he hired a Thai attorney named Kittyporn Arunrat.
<><>
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks, "What's this?"
She replies, "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies, "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"

She giggles and says, "A pee-pee." He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
<><>
Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special -- it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out: "Do you speak English?" asks Moshe. "Yes," replies the parrot. "Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe. "Si," replies the parrot. "Parlez-vouz Fransais?" asks Moshe. "Oui," replies the parrot. "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe. "Jawohl," replies the parrot. "Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe. "Sim," replies the parrot.
Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?" The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"
<><>
Did you know that in the human body is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
<><>
The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post: Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie... in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
<><>
When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern. Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died. The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed, "Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd."
<><>
SYMPTOMS OF SENILITY VIRUS:
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
17. Causes you to mis-number paragraphs
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
<><>
A group of office co-workers decided one day to share a ride to work. What they did not realize was that they also shared the same fear --claustrophobia. As they were driving through a mountain tunnel, all began to scream wildly! The car went out of control, but finally, they were able to slow down and pull over to the side of the road. A psychologist who was driving behind the car saw everything and stopped to see if he could help. He immediately ascertained what the problem was -- they were suffering from carpool tunnel syndrome.
<><>
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him or should I?"
<><>
Reasons They Still Watch Football in the 24th Century

10. Klingon buns in spandex - Wowee!
9. Genetic engineering has eliminated the need for cost-prohibitive shoulder pads.
8. If the game's no good, you can always count on the Nausicaan cheerleaders for a bloodbath.
7. Still no better excuse for getting drunk in your living room with six of your best friends.
6. 12,305,789,324 games on 14,567 worlds, and not one case of sentient Astroturf.
5. Ferengi. The point spread. You do the math.
4. The Vulcan Kohlinahr, the Klingon Rite of Ascension, the Romulan Death March: cake walks to manhood compared to getting your butt snapped by a towel in a crowded locker room.
3. If the game's no good, you can always count on the Denebian "hot dogs" for a bloodbath.
2. In the super-PC world of the 24th Century, it's the only way you get to say things like "pig skin", "tight end," and "making a successful pass."
1. Parrises Squares is wimpy.
<><>
Clone of My Own

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With its Y chromosome changed to X
And When it is grown
Then my little clone
Will be of the opposite sex

Clone, clone of my own,
With its Y chromosome changed to X
And when I'm alone
With my little clone
We will both think of nothing but sex.
---Issac Asimov
<><>
The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: "Pray for the
President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage.
Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting
on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards
will be honored by our government."

Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So
here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed
Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical
principles:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and
one or more women.(Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5.)

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to
his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the
wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.(Gen 24:3;Num
25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution
of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit
divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow.
If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her
children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a
manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10) *

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is
required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had
previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any
sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female.
(Gen 19:31-36)
<><>
A Truly Canadian Apology to the USA...
Courtesy of Colin Mochrie from This Hour Has 22 Minutes,
CBC Television
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Thank you.
<><>
Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. ---Pat Robertson - speech at GOP Presidential Convention (1992)
<><>
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was
bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the
bowlegged man!" Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a
play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading
the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he
spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he
pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who
wear their balls in parentheses?"
<><>
"What happened?" he asks nervously.
"Well," says one of the doctors, "we made a small mistake. There was a
slight mix-up and we performed the wrong operation on you. Instead of a
circumcision we gave you a sex-change operation. We cut off your penis and
gave you a vagina."
"What?!" says the man. That's terrible! You mean I'll never again experience
an erection?"
"Well, you will..." says the doctor, "but it'll be someone else's."
<><>
Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
<><>
For all those men who believe that there is no reason to "buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" --- Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they have wised up to the fact that for 7 ounces of sausage, it is not worth buying the entire pig!
<><>
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times.
<><>
The consecration of Gene Robinson as bishop of the New Hampshire Diocese of the Episcopal Church is an affront to Christians everywhere. I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, and his wife Anne Boleyn, and his wife Jane Seymour, and his wife Anne of Cleves, and his wife Katherine Howard, and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer here to suffer through this assault on traditional Christian marriage.
<><>
Alabama Quarter Recall - For you coin collectors out there. This should make for a good opening story everywhere but in Alabama. The U. S. Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Alabama quarter. According to the Treasury officials the quarter will not work in parking meters, toll booths or vending machines. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
<><>
Green Eggs and Islam
Saddam-I-am, Saddam-I-am,
I do not like Saddam-I-am!
Would you like him with Iran?
I would not like him with Iran.
I would not like him with Islam.
I would not like him spreading terror.
I would not like him anywhere-r!
I do not like Saddam-I-am!
I do not like that man, Saddam!
Would you like him with inspectors?
Would you like him with defectors?
Would you like him with no chemicals,
Which means no wartime epidemic-als?
Not with inspectors, not with defectors!
Not with Islam, not with Iran.
I do not like Saddam-I-am!
I want regime change for that man!
Arms! What if he had no arms?
Would you still make him buy the farms?
Nukes! Without them, would you let him?
Or would you send troops in to get him?
I do not want him with an arsenal.
I would not, could not! This is personal!
I do not like his oil-gained cash.
I do not like his black mustache.
I do not like Saddam-I-am!
I must disarm him. That's my plan.
You do not trust him, So you say.
Inspect him, inspect him, And you may.
Inspect him and you may, I say.
I will find bombs You will see.
I may find them in a tree.
For I will look inside each stone,
And I will look beneath his throne.
And I will look in rolled-up socks,
And barber schools, and closed-down mosques.
And up the hill, and in the rain,
And in the dark, and on a train.
I will find them here and there-r,
He'll be our win in the war on terror!
I do so like To bash this man.
Thank you, Damn you,
Saddam-I-am!
<><>
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public. From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
<><>
So I told the mature woman cleaning my room that a younger chick would do a better job because I knew eventually I’d wind up an old maid.
<><>
Presidential Mischief

George Washington wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else.

Thomas Jefferson allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister.

Andrew Jackson married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign.

Warren G. Harding had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret service agent prevented the hysterical First Lady from attacking them.

Franklin D. Roosevelt had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary.

Lyndon B. Johnson had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office.
When Vice-President, Lyndon B. Johnson was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's. While a college student, he enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo.

John F. Kennedy smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack. He had sex in a closet while telling his partner about Warren G. Harding who did the same in a closet. He also had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary.

Bill Clinton allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant. And there was that cigar incident.
<><>
Mary had a little sheep
she took it to bed with her to sleep
the sheep turned out to be a ram
& Mary had a little lamb
<><>
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."
<><>
A little old woman calling Mt. Sinai Hospital says, "Hello darling. I'd like to talk to the person who gives information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."

Do you know the patient's name and room number?"

"Yes, darling. She is Sarah Finklestein in room 302.

"Oh, yes. Mrs. Finklestein is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, blood pressure is fine, blood work is normal, and she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a few hours. And, if she continues to improve, Dr. Cohen will send her home Tuesday afternoon."

"Thank God! That's wonderful! That's fantastic news, darling!"

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a close friend."

"No, actually I'm Sarah Finklestein in Room 302. Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me shit!
<><>
A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your husband to be present at the birth?" She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy bouncing baby, but the baby is black."

The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black." The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair." The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too." The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes." The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too." Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it cries out.

The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was gonna bark."
<><>
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "I already gave at the office!"
<><>
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." The child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."
<><>
Let me know and I'll direct them to the nearest 13 Step Program...which is sometimes called ‘the weird dance’. <><>
Two Satellite dishes meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was Brilliant.
<><>
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a it frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
<><>
There was a woman who had 3 daughters. One day the first daughter asked her mother, "Why is my name Daisy?" Her mother replied, "Because when you were born a daisy fell upon your tiny head." Then the second daughter asked her mother, "Why is my name Rose?" Her mother answered, "Because when you were born a rose fell upon your tiny head." The third daughter, hearing this, muttered something under her breath. "What?" asked her mother. The third daughter again said, "Hrehow thouwehera yseeeeeeeher." Her mother, frustrated at her daughters lack of speech skills, said, "Shut up, fridge!"
<><>
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
<><>
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.
<><>
Q: How can you tell if a Redneck is Working in your Office?
A: The monitor is up on blocks.
<><>
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys line up alphabetically by height" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -Yogi Berra
<><>
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was sin, and he was most certainly 'against' sin. A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object. He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"
<><>
In my more depressed moments, I believe my cats suffer from Stockholm syndrome. You know, where the hostage falls in love with the captor, as an adaptive mechanism.
<><>
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
<><>
A woman police officer pulled over a drunk driver. She said "you are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you". The drunk replied: "tits"
<><>
"...the western world has spent 40 years telling the Russians that it was immoral to block broadcasts. We're certainly not going to start doing that in Canada. Canadians are free people, they should act freely" Keith Spicer, Chairman CRTC, Jan. 17, 1995 <><>
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with.
<><>
When traveling, always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.--W.C. Fields
<><>
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
<><>
How was the Mississippi riverboat gambler able to fill out his royal flush? He was Delta Queen
<><>
Like most good parties the topic of discussion turned to homosexuality. "It’s only a matter of time before the cause of homosexuality is determined to be hormonal," opined my oldest brother’s wife. My youngest brother laughed, "Yeah, too much sperm in their diets."
<><>
"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum."
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)

"Domino vobiscum."
(The pizza guy's here.)

"Sharpei diem."
(Seize the Wrinkled Dog.)

"Motorolus interruptus."
(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."
(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)
<><>
An MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a whistle, and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
<><>
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7!!".
<><>
A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was he said "I am blind. Drop it on the ground and I'll tell ya. She dropped it on the ground. "Aahh that's $10.00." She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it. "That will be $20.00" "But you said $10.00" "$10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call."
<><>
Game show banter...

1. On the Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks asked the wife where the most unusual place they had ever had sex was.
Response: "In the ass?"

2. On Password the contestant was Black. The secret word was "deer": The celebrity gave the clue "DOE".
The contestant responded "KNOB".

3. The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle. The host gives one of the two teams a clue, and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword.
Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker."
Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio."
<><>
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her." The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
<><>
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire. The youngest cowboy says, "Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands."
Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, "That’s nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth."
The oldest cowboy just sits there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
<><>
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
<><>
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
<><>
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?" "It goes moo." "Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" "It goes.. click!"
<><>
I heard that if you play the AOL 8.0 CD-ROM backwards, you'll hear a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs AOL 8.0.
<><>
Harsh things to say to a naked guy:

I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Awww, it's cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no... a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me really drunk first....
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
I guess this makes me the early bird.
<><>
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
<><>
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
<><>
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
<><>
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
<><>
A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years. She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask." "Well", the husband says, "there is one thing." "What is that," says the wife? "A blow job," says the husband. The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok." So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a blow job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings. The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, cocksucker, it's for you."
<><>
I’ve had a conversation about the lack of gentle men in media. There were people like Roddy McDowell, Wally Cox, Henry Gibson (Laugh-In), William Christopher (Mulcahy in MASH), but lately? If you can think of any, let me know. <><>
Cultural Perspective
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
<><>
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey of the Swiss countryside, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAID THE OL’ LADY TOO."
<><>
When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
<><>
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"
<><>
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
<><>
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
<><>
Grandma's Shoes
When I was very little
All the Grandmas that I knew
All walked around this world
In ugly grandma shoes.
You know the ones I speak of,
Those black clunky heeled kind,
They just looked so very awful
That it weighed upon my mind,
For I knew, when I grew old.
I'd have to wear those shoes,
I'd think of that, from time to time
It seemed like such bad news.
I never was a rebel,
I wore saddle shoes to school,
And next came ballerinas
Then the sandals, pretty cool.
And then came spikes with pointed toes!
Then platforms, very tall,
As each new fashion came along
I wore them, one and all.
But always, in the distance,
Looming in my future, there,
Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,
The kind that Grandmas wear.
I eventually got married
And then I became a Mom
Our kids grew up and left,
And when their children came along,
I knew I was a Grandma
And the time was drawing near
When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes
Was what I'd have to wear.
How would I do my gardening
Or take my morning hike?
I couldn't even think about
How I would ride my bike!
But fashions kept evolving
And one day I realized
That the shape of things to come
Was changing, right before my eyes.
And now, when I go shopping
What I see, fills me with glee
For, in my jeans and Reeboks
I'm as comfy as can be.
And I look at all these teenage girls
And there, upon their feet
Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes,
And they really think they're neat.
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A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing. Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
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I could not understand why my friend insisted on smoking marijuana while he used his IBM computer. Everyone knows it's a Gateway drug.
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Albert Einstein married his cousin. He had tried to date outside his family circle, but he never found any of the other women appealing--especially in the boob department-that weren't within his familial group. He postulated that there is a special attraction to women in one's own family in his Theory of Relative Titty.
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How does Lee Harvey Oswald’s mother feel when she walks through JFK, knowing that if she had stayed single it would probably be Martin Luther King Jr. Airport?
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A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing and the lights were always turning on and off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. When the revelers saw the pastor the room went dead silent. He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there, and she's covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way." So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us." said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
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The driver of a tractor trailer lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and looked around. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former toll-booth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it, then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
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Marketting Explained…
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout
at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam
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Texas killed another one. It was kind of a grisly death on death row, because the guy did not go easy. The first attempt failed and they just kind of wounded him. It was tough for observers to watch, and it was also very embarrassing for the executioner, because this was 'Take your daughter to work day.'
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I was the only Jewish kid in my part of Indiana, and I'll never forget my kindergarten teacher asking, 'So tell us, how long has your family been practicing Jewcraft?'
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Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
Help Line: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Help Line: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
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Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
Help Line: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
Help Line: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
Help Line: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
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Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars are horrible!"
Help Line: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
Help Line: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!”
Help Line: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"
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Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Help Line: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"