2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
2 wrongs don't make a right, but 2 wrights make an airplane!
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr
60% of gay men were born that way. The other 40% were sucked into it.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
A day without sunshine is like, night
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A gentleman is one who knows how to play the accordion . . . and doesn't.
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead. - Stan Laurel
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A leopard never changes his stripes. - Al Gore
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A man had a dog called Minton. One day Minton ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out he said bad Minton!
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. -- Gloria Steinem
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A stitch in time saves nine what?
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W.C. Fields
A woman is like a tea bag... You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for those who used to drive drunk.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
Absence makes the heart go wander.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.)
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
Albert Einstein used to masturbate. Of course, when he did it, it was a stroke of genius.
All general statements are false; think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
All of the animals went to Noah's ark in pairs except for the worms. They went in apples.
All power corrupts, but we need electricity
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All the fun things in life are either illegal, immoral, or cause cancer in laboratory animals.
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
America is for perfect people with lawyers
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his friends. --Ernest Hemingway
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
And why would they call a kissing disease mono? Mono means one.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours."
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Anything not nailed down is mine; anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Anything War can do, Peace can do better.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Apparently you've mistaken me for your therapist
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
Archers Proverb "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
Are female moths called myths?
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Are women's birthday suits considered double breasted?
Are you a freakin' ray of sunshine every day?
Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
Assassins do it from behind.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
Babies are such a nice way to start people
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
Bad news drives good news out of the media.
Ban the bomb; save the world for conventional warfare
Bargain basement upstairs.
Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-
Better living through alchemy
Beware of the Quantum Ducks Quark! Quark! Quark!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blood is thicker than water...and much tastier
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Boldly Going Nowhere
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people
Borrow money from a pessimist -they don't expect it back.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
Bureaucrats cut red tape...lengthwise
By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
Calm down; It's only ones and zeros
Can a generic product ever be brand new?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards??
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Captain! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde
CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
Caution: Hungry Dieter May bite if provoked
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
Chemical Engineers make the best heat exchangers
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Cling Free.
Clones are people two.
Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich
Common sense is not so common.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Confusion creates jobs.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
Create a need and fill it.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Cyanide is all natural too
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bullshit before.
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Department of Redundancy Department
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Dial 911 and make a cop come.
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Did you hear about "The Tempura House"? It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
Did you hear about Rosie O'Donnell's drowning? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the girl who had three chances to get pregnant? Blew 'em all.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
Did you hear about the Jewish mother doll? You pull the string and it says, "Again with the string..."
Did you hear about the lesbian that went to Jane and Bloor? (A Toronto Joke)
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Did you hear about the movie coming out about the phobic mathematician? It's called the ''Fear of All Sums.''
Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative Holiday Belt Buckle? It's made out of Mistletoe!
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself? They can do that now.
Did you hear about the queer Indian? He was a brave sucker.
Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson called up Boys II Men? He thought it was a delivery service.
Did you know that ENRON is just a shorthand name for the company? The full name is: "TAKE THE MONEY ENRON."
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do clowns wear really big socks?
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do not assume that I will react in a rational manner
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do television evangelists do more than lay people?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do witches have spelling bees?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law
Do you know what virgins eat for breakfast? No, I didn't think you would.
Do you know why seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would have to call them bagles!
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual.
Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
Does an analyst have to be anal?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Don't Arm a Son of a Bush
Don't ask me; I have intermittent memory loss
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.
Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it.
Don't blame me, I voted with the majority.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't get lost in the shuffle, shuffle along with the lost.
Don't hate yourself in the morning; sleep till noon
Don't just stand there...scratch my back!
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - Bo Diddley
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
Don't rush me; I'm dawdling as fast as I can
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
Don't think of it as losing a daughter--think of it as gaining another daughter
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
Dorothy: Hate you, Hate Oz, Taking the Shoes. Toto
DOS - Defunct Operating System
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
Dyslexics have more fnu
Dyslexics of the world, untie! Together we can trip up the world
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Eat the rich...the poor are tough and stringy
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Editing is a rewording activity
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Entropy isn't what it used to be
Entropy requires no maintenance!
Epheus quit school in grade five due to pneumonia. He couldn't spell it.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies
Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Every spam is sacred
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Too bad some don't have film.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everyone needs a hero. I'm mine
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Evolution is the hope of the immature.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.
Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is bullshit.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. --Oscar Wilde
Fax is stranger than fiction.
Feminism is the radical notion that women are people
Fine means 'Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional'
First Things First, But Not Necessarily In That Order.
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK UP!
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved, departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the shell--the nut has gone!
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
Futon is Japanese for "bad back".
Gene Police! You! out of the pool!
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Get a new car for your spouse -it'll be a great trade!
Get even with the people who have done you right, not those who have done you wrong
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to fish and he's drunk in a boat.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give me that REAL old time religion: Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Danu, Inanna
Go not to the elves for council, for they will say both no and yes
Go Solar, not Ballistic.
God didn't create the world in seven days... He goofed off for six, then pulled an all-nighter
God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Great minds run in great circles.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Hackito ergo sum
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Half of what I know today will be obsolete in five years; I'd just like to know which half
Half the people you know are below average.
Hang up and drive.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?
Hatred is self-punishment. Hatred is a coward's revenge for being intimidated.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
Have you heard about the cat that ate the cheese and sat by the mousehole with baited breath?
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat.
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.
Hey, man, what's in your pocket? They're golf balls. Is that anything like tennis elbow?
Hi! I can't remember your name either
Hindsight is an exact science.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer
His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
Hit any user to continue.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. - Rich Jeni
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
How about never? Is never good for you?
How are the candidate's verbal skills? Like, extremely high.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can Stairmasters and escalators exist at the same time?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How can you tell if a cartoon family's picture is a photo or a portrait?
How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How did our oil get under their sand?
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
How do you display an easel?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you recycle a condom? You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
How does a salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
How is it possible to have a "civil" war?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
How long will we fight? We will fight until Hell freezes over; then we fight on the ice.
How many Lives per Gallon?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
Human beings don't live like this
I ain't never seen no pornographic material. Hell, I ain't even got a pornograph.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-
I am a nutritional overachiever
I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor-tile.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater
I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can't be overdrawn...I still have checks left!
I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have chunk of poutine in my arteries. - Marta Chaves
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it
I didn't know my boyfriend was a drinker until that night he came home sober!
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was going to blame you.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't have to take this abuse from you... I've got dozens of people waiting to abuse me
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf. -Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
I fuck anything that moves--so don't fidget
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I got a puppy named Ginger. Does Ginger bite? No, but ginger snaps.
I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms. - Gary Valentine
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
I have a mind like a steel trap, everything that goes in gets crushed and mangled
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ---Rodney Dangerfield
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I have not lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it
I have not lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have the body of a GOD: Buddha
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem-
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control
I intend to live forever. So far, so good
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I just swallowed two aspirins wrapped in a condom. I have a fucking headache.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
I like putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I like to think of 'men' as the diminutive of 'women'
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I live in another Dimension, But I Have a Summer Home in Reality
I love animals, they taste great.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I mean, everybody masturbates. Weird Al? Weird Al yanks a bit.
I never metamucel I liked.
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put the FUN in dysfunctional
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I suffer from Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
I support the rights of straight people, even though I'm perfectly normal myself.
I think, therefore I am, I think
I think, therefore I'm single.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I told my doctor I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
I trusted my government. Now I glow in the dark.
I try to take just one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once
I used to be sane, but I got better
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.
I used to have a photographic memory, but it never got developed
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.
I was an optimist, then my prescription ran out.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.
I was so mean to my old boyfriend. He went to Co-dependents Anonymous, and I used to page him there.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then I could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I would give \$1000 to be a millionaire.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
Ideas are not responsible for their followers!
If "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
If #2 pencils are so common, why are they still #2?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbour, that's environment.
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?
If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air?
If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
If a sheep is a ram, and a mule is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
If all is not lost, where is it?
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they'd point in different directions
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, call it v1.0!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If flowers don't talk back to you, are they mums?
If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. -- Mark Twain
If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, She wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
If it works, don't fix it!
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If Men had Hot Flashes, Estrogen would be in the Water Supply
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
IF numcooks .maxcooks THEN;SET V broth = 'spoiled';END
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If only men came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If someone thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If Space and Time are curved, where do all the straight people come from?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If storks bring babies, what kind of birds don't bring babies? Swallows.
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
If Tarzan and Jane were from Oshawa, what would Cheetah be? Pregnant.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?
If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
If Tuesday Weld married Fredric March's grandson she'd be Tuesday March the third.
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
If we can make semiconductors, why can't we make complete conductors?
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you access the Internet from the country, does that mean you have a down home page?
If you are living on the edge, make sure your wearing your seatbelt.
If you are not living on the edge, you are taking up too much room.
If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and claim damages from you.
If you can read this, my old lady fell off. (Seen on the back of a biker's vest)
If you can read this, please flip me back over.. (seen upside down, on a Jeep).
If you can read this, then you're in range.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
If you cannot fix it, feature it.
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour Listerine in the toilet bowl.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you lend someone \$20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think education is expensive, Try Ignorance
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?
If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
I'll think of you every time I see something scuzzy under the sink
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm a firm believer in justifiable homicide
I'm dressed like this so the people from the hospital won't find me again
I'm into Jewish bondage...that's having your money tied up in a long term RRSP account.
I'm into no-impact aerobics
I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality. Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
I'm not loafing I work so fast I'm always finished
I'm not on drugs. I am drugs.
I'm not stupid. I'm not expendable. I'm NOT going
I'm not tense, just terribly alert
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'm stupid. I'm expendable. When do I leave?
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Imagination is more important than knowledge
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
In Microsoft Word, why does the spell checker recommend changing the word 'zzzz' to 'sex' ?
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Indecision is the basis of flexibility
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently.
Intuition is the suspension of logic due to impatience.
Invertebrate punster Spinelessly unable to resist a pun So slug me
IRS - Be audit you can be!
Is "tired old cliché" one?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback?
Is a minister rehearsing his sermon practicing what he preaches?
Is a sleeping bull a bulldozer?
Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?
Is drilling for oil boring?
Is it cruel that the word "lisp" has an "s" in it?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is the nose the scenter of the face?
Is the surface of a planet the right place for an expanding industrial civilization?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is there any man I can look up to without lying on my back?
Is there really a United States, of just a bunch of people pretending?
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look big.
It ain't the size, it's...no, it's the size.
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. -A Einstein
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. --Yogi Berra
It was so cold last winter ..... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
It works better if you plug it in.
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.
It's a man's world but women run it.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it.
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood
It's not a bug...it's an undocumented feature
It's not a dungeon...it's fortified underground defence installation
It's not a schlong, it's a schlort
It's not easy being this cute.. Well it helps.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
It's not whether you win or lose. it's whether I win or lose.
It's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
It's NUCLEAR, not NUCULAR, you idiot!
It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is...dead, Jim.
It's redundant! It's redundant!
It's you and me against the world; when do we attack?
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman-
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force
I've got a mind like a steel trap -- which means I'm rusty, and illegal in 37 states
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
Jesus is coming, look busy.
Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Jesus Saves! By Using Double Coupons & Shopping Wisely
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you
Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted in Using the Whole Chicken.
Kleptomania: take something for it.
Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!
Know what to expect before you connect.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Lead me not to temptation...I can find it for myself
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Let's get one thing straight, I'm not
Let's split up...we can do more damage that way
Life is a sandwich and it's always lunchtime
Life is a sexually-transmitted, incurable, terminal disease
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Life is much too complicated in the morning
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Like a midget in a urinal I knew I had to be on my toes.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Live now...procrastinate later
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. - Tim Steeves
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin
Man who walk through door sideways going to Bangkok.
Mankind fears what mankind doesn't understand. I was afraid someone'd say that, but I'm not sure why.
Many are called, but few are at their desks.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Mathematician: a machine for converting coffee into theorems
Mean people suck, not in a good way
Meandering to a different drummer.
Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties
Minds are like Parachutes, they only function when open
Mirrors don't lie. Fortunately for you, they don't laugh either.
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is the root of all evil--and a woman needs roots
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Money talks. Mine says "I'm leaving."
More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.
More hit points than you can possibly imagine
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
Most projects require three hands.
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading. - Emo Philips
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring
My mind is made up, don't confuse me with facts
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. - Rich Jeni
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
My reality check bounced
My significant other requires so much foreplay, I have carpal tunnel syndrome
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
My watch is five hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to London.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My wife's idea of a secret is not to tell who told her.
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill-
Nature is a mother.
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Negotiation Not Annihilation.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity
Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck-
Never lick a steak knife.
Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.
Nice computers don't go down
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
No man is responsible for his father, that is entirely his mothers affair
No man's credit is as good as his money.
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
No matter where you go, there you are
No More BuShit.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
No one expects the spammish repetition Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No real problem has a solution.
No Smoking Oxygen in use
No thanks, I prefer someone who lives above ground
No, my powers can only be used for good.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
Not with MY life you don't
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie Brown
Now that MicroSoft is so big, should it be called MacroSoft?
Nuke'em till they glow, then shoot'em in the dark
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder
Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato
Of course I don't look busy...i did it right the first time.
Of is the only word in which an "f" is pronounced like a "v".
Office Of Precision Guesswork
Oh Say Can You Cease?
Oh what a tangled web we weave - Hair Club for Men.
Oh, I can't drink these days. I'm allergic to alcohol and narcotics. If I use them I break out in handcuffs. - Robert Downey Jr.
Oh, no, not another learning experience!
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Okay, okay, I take it back. Unfuck you!
Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.
Old mercenaries never die. They just go to hell and regroup.
Old programmers never die, they just abend.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
'Ome is where you 'ang your @
On the eighth day God sobered up
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
One Christmas I told my parents I wanted a watch and they let me.
One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
One nation under surveillance.
One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me \$95.
One's life tends to be like a beaver's, one dam thing after another.
Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
Only borrow from pessimists...they don't expect to be paid back
Only them as knows their own...knows.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Optimist defined: A Yugo owner with a radar detector.
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Overweight is something that sort of snacks up on you.
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one
Patriots are idiots - Matriarchy Now!
Peace Takes Brains
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
People do not change, they only become more so.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
Pick good people; talent never wears out.
Pipers do it with Amazing Grace
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Plan to be spontaneous
Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth
Power to the Peaceful
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Psychic help wanted: you know where to apply.
Q; What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fsh.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
Rats and horses can't vomit.
Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Rebel without a god
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
Regis: Final Punchline? Jim: Yes, Final Punchline.
Rehab is for quitters.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Resistance is Fertile.
Resistance is useless (if less than 1 ohm)
Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Say can you see my democracy?
Say no, then negotiate.
Schizophrenic, paranoid, suicidal, homicidal, depressed, and overworked, but basically happy
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
SCSI - System Can't See It
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Seen it all, done all that, can't remember most of it.
Serenity through viciousness
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is only dirty if it's done right
Sex on television can't hurt unless you fall off.
Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed?
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
She's the only person I know who will feel guilty about resting in peace.
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up! Push down! Byte! Byte! Byte!
Shouldn't they reprogram the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-destruct sequence.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?
Sleep: A totally inadequate substitute for caffeine
Smart weapons, Dumb president.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? And a voice said 'You are.'
So many men, so few who can afford me.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
So what's the speed of dark?
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria Steinhem-
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
Some things never change, they just stay insane
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Sometimes fame is just a matter of dying at the right time.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
Spell chequers dew knot work write.
Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Stamp out philately!
Star Spangled Bummer
Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but once the casts come off man, you better watch your back.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have
Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.
Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Television must be a medium, it sure isn't rare or well-done
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
Thank You for turning a simple transaction into a bizarre ritual
That that is is not that that is not.
That wasn't a hot flashes, that was a power surge.
That which does not kill me makes me smarter
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe." -- Bill Murray
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realize your dreams is to wake up.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
The big city is a cold, lonely place. At least that's what it's like on the days I forget to wear clothes.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
The following statement is true. The preceding statement is false.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The Goddess is Here and She is Organizing
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
The less you bother me, the sooner you get results
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon
The little engineer that could
The longest word with just one vowel: strengths
The longest word you can spell without repeating a letter: uncopyrightable.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars
The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!"
The modem is the message.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey." -- Andy Warhol
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only English word with a triple letter: goddessship
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if your in the bathroom.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back
The programmer's National Anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
The Road to Hell is Paved with Politicians
The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-fat Communion wafer. It is called: "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line
The shortest -ology (study of) word: oology (the study of eggs.)
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.
The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it.
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
The universe does not have laws; it has habits, and habits can be broken
The Universe is sold by weight, not by volume. Some expansion may occur during shipping
The word with the longest definition in most dictionaries: set
The world's first Viagra baby was born: 6 pounds 12 inches! Poor girl.
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy: One is to take her shopping. The rest is 69.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong
There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.
There are two theories to arguing with women; neither one works.
There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a suitable application of high explosives
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
There is a new game going around Washington DC - swallow the leader!
There is a new shoe for lesbians called Dike. It comes with an extra long tongue and you can get it off with one finger.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no substitute for good manners except fast reflexes
There is no TRUTH There is no REALITY There is no CONSISTENCY
There is nothing an agnostic can't do when he's not sure whether he believes in anything or not
There is too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
There isn't time enough for love, so what does that leave for hate?
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
There's a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." -- Dr. Who
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
These colours don't run the world.
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.
They should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
Things are more like today than they ever were before.
Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' - Jeff Green
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath
Think of it as evolution in action
Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
This space for rent.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do
Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach insurance
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of
Trigonometry for farmers: swine and cowswine.
Trust everybody...and cut the cards.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
Ugliness strikes 1 out of 4
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
Unicorns aren't mythical...virgins are!
Veni, vedi, visa. I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
War is expensive, Peace is priceless.
WARNING! Driver only carries \$20.00 in ammunition.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning: Whimsical when bored
Was Jimi Hendrix's modem a Purple Hayes?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are the people our parents warned us about
We are upping our standards ... so up yours." --Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
We've got a date with Destiny, and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
What are imitation rhinestones?
What boots up must come down.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.
What colour is a chameleon on a mirror?
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil? "You must be new around here."
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
What did the potato chip say to the battery? If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
What do batteries run on?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do lesbians cook for dinner? They don't cook...they eat out.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do penguins wear for play clothes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What do they call a French kiss in France?
What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company?
What do they call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.
What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return ? A stick.
What do you call a gay midget? A low blow!
What do you call a grizzly half buried in a snow bank? A bear mid-drift
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honour.
What do you call a lonely Korean fish spirit? A sole Seoul sole soul
What do you call a male ladybug?
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
What do you call an all lesbian army? How about militia ethridge!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater? An armadildo.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
What does a redneck girl say after sex? "Get off me, Daddy. You're crushing my Marlboros."
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? They're hiring.
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff"
What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? A teabag.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happened to the first 6 UP's?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What happens when you put a dog in a CAT. scan?
What happens when you swallow your pride?
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead?
What if someone died in the living room?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What is "Soft Liquor"?
What is a family lawyer doing legal aid work? Redundant.
What is a fine?? A tax for doing wrong. What is a tax?? A fine for doing well.
What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
What is a Yankee? --The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is a zebra? 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
What is the definition of "making love"?
What is the diameter of a square?
What is the difference between a battery and a lawyer? A battery has a positive side
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
What is the ideal weight for a lawyer ? About 3 pounds (including the urn).
What is the medical term for Viagra ...... mycoxafailin
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice dick."
What is the speed of dark?
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A urlologist.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? Automobile.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What would happen if they secretly replacing the dilithium crystals with New Folgers crystals.
What would you call a female turtle? A clitortoise.
What would you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and a twelve-inch dick? Partially handicapped.
What would you call a lesbian who drives a delivery truck full of dildoes? A dick van dyke.
What would you call a turtle with a hard on? A slowpoke
What would you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow.
What would you call an Italian slum? A spaghetto.
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
What's another term for a lesbian that doesn't eat meat? Vagitarian
What's another word for Thesaurus?
What's black and white and makes a horrible noise? A penguin playing the bagpipes.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung
What's green and pecks on trees? Woody Wood pickle
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the definition of safe sex in West Virginia? Branding the sheep that kick.
What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A bandleader fucks his singers.
What's the difference between a blonde and a man? The blonde has a higher sperm count.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The clothes
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.
What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser? Depth perception.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? At least acne waits until your 12 to come on your face.
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal? Fornigate.
What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
What's the synonym for thesaurus?
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When all other means of communications fail, try words.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When day breaks who fixes it?
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
When do you know you're really lonely? Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I was born I was so surprised, I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When is it proper to hit a midget? When he tells you your wife's hair smells nice.
When Life's A Drag, Wear A Dress
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
When night falls who picks it up?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When something fades in the sunlight, where did the colors go?
When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When we say our mind wanders - where does it go?
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?
When you turn your computer monitor off, does the screen saver still work?
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is always, "Do I look stupid?"
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetary
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Where does your lap go when you stand up?
Where is Old Zealand?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit gum?
Which is the other side of the street?
Which one is the fatherboard?
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Whip me, beat me, make me feel expensive
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
Who was that pig on Green Acres? Eva Gabor.
Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano? His undertaker
Who would Jesus bomb?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
Why are America's parks administered by the Department of the Interior?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are disks called floppy and paper is hardcopy?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why are highways build so close to the ground?
Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Because they all have phones.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are violets blue and not violet?
Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you could be impossible?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Why can't they make mainframes PC compatible?
Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Why can't you be unique and original like everybody else?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why did Cleopatra take milk baths? She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side.
Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?
Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?
Why do bees wear yarmulkes? They don't want to be mistaken for wasps.
Why do chicken coops have two doors? A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Why do men pay more for car insurance? Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?
Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?
Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4" x 3 1/2"?
Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?
Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal?
Why do they make scented toilet paper?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo?
Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
Why do we say "a pair of pants" when there is only one article of clothing involved?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things?
Why do women douche? Because they can't teach their pussies to spit.
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Why do you play at a recital and recite at a play?
Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?
Why does it take 5 minutes to cook minute rice?
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why don't bears wear socks? Because they like to walk in their bear feet.
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why don't they just make food stamps edible?
Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?
Why don't you ever hear people talking about the number 288? It's two gross.
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is a condom like a Kodak print? They both capture that special moment.
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why is Jack a nickname for John?
Why is so much month left at the end of the money?
Why is Ted Kennedy dating a blow-up doll? Because she floats.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is the word dyslexia so hard to read?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?
Why was the cannibal kicked out of school? He was caught buttering up the teacher.
Will the 2000 model Volkswagen New Beetle be known as the Y2K Bug?
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Without data, yours is just another opinion.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
Woman who put detergent on top shelf, jump for joy.
Women feel with their hearts and men feel with their hands.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. - Jimmy Shubert
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Work is what is done for money. Activity is what is done for love. When activity earns money, we are talking, life.
Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Wouldn't a person who makes an allegation be an alligator?
WWW - World Wide Wait
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
Y2K-Y Jelly When you want to put four digits where only two could fit before
Yes It's True I've Fallen In With The Wrong Crowd
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
You can always find what you're not looking for.
You can fool some of the people and really piss them off.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you've got something
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You have enemies? Good! It means you've stood up for something.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him.
You never find an article until you replace it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never want the one you can afford.
You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
You want it when?
You will always find something in the last place you look.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
You!...Off my planet!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.
You're a naughty girl. Go to my room.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.