She woke up early that morning. There was something strange on her table.
It seemed to be a note! But how did a note get on her bedside table when she had locked all her doors? She gracefully fell out of bed and pulled herself over to the table. The note was simple. 'Help! Trapped in an alternate Reality! You must SAVE ME!' Hmmm. Most interesting.
She kinda liked it. Heroine saves
Innocent Guy In Distress. A good shot
at chauvanistic fantasy stories! Just
then, a door opened in her wall.
'Abandon Sanity, All Ye Who Enter.'
It said in rediculous Olde Script.
Why not. It was better than SCHO*L!
So, she stepped thru the door, and was in the Alternate Reality!! BUT, IT WAS A SCHOOL! (I can say that). The problem was, there was something different about this school, because everyone in it had to say the name of the sysop of Dumboard in order to pass, but there was no Dumboard!! Uh
so the teachers could think of what- ever they liked. She went down the halls watching lockers setting students on fire. In the classrooms, Eating, Sleeping and Jumping Off Mile-High Cliffs were being taught. When she saw that the walls were made of carboard, she abandoned sanity
and ran down the hall making swimming motions and chicken noises. She had just got to the Gym when her sanity, which had been wandering around forlornly after she abandoned it, saw her and scampered over. As it jumped back in she thought "What am I DOING here?". She turned and saw...
Peggy... no no, just kidding) a giant Piggy. Bigger than she had ever seen before. Was it all a dream? Was it cheap drugs? It had to be something weird... A pig in a gym?? It didn't make sense. (but then again, when do I ever?) It had a wet snout that just sat there and stared at me. So cute!
I looked around. How in the world did I get in the story?? I looked at her, and she looked at me, and we looked at each other, and the pig just sorta looked at us both real cute-like with its wet snout and those cute tusks... Curious, how the pig seemed to be getting larger...
She looked at me in suprise. We both looked at the giant pig with the cute tusks that loomed over us in the gym in a school in an alternate dimention. We both grabbed our sanity, and abandoned it. No one could look a very big pig in gym shorts and keep their sanity. Just then, who should walk in!
but a gigantic Horn of Gabriel! It
drew itself up for a mighty blast but
no sound came out. It tried again,
still nothing. I squirmed with effort
and a tiny
alternate reality in room 17."
Now I'm just the second banana. With
that, the horn led the students
through a gruelling session of cal-
esthtenics. But Piggy, working up a
heavy sweat, headed to the change
room. Of course, her locker had
been broken into! She looked around
for the culprit and saw...
...the biggest banana she ever saw.
How could it be a piece of fruit could
break into a locker. Then, as if it
read her mind, it slowly began to peel
itself. Slowly, the body was unmasked
until a man fully clothed in a black
tuxedo stood in front of the sweaty
pig in the womens changeroom. (pigname
Pigname? Pigname??? What's a pigname?
The guy in tux looked around and so
did piggy. They didn't see much of
anything so they just looked at each
other for while.
I was confused. Where was she? How
would we make sense of events with
only pronouns? If I knew the answer
to that, I would be happy.
...a date for the prom, and Piggy-Sue,
your the gal for me." Naturally,
Piggy was taken aback. She had never
been asked to the prom before. After
all, she was a pig.
Chiquita banana suit and hopped out
of the room. Piggy-Sue was gruntless.
But why hop? Hmm... That's suspicious
because Piggy's proud prancing and
pink pogo-stick was not in her locker!! "Hey, Tuxman," she snorted,
"Gimme my p.p.p. pogo-stick!"
Her! Now, the peculiar thing is, this
female known as her, didn't seem to
have a name. Now I was curious. What
is your name, I asked. She answered,
'Ask the pig!' I looked for the pig,
but she was chasing a banana on a pogo
stick. Very peculiar. I looked at the
note on the floor that had fallen out
of the Horn. I decided to go to room
17, and she followed me, since it was
in HER bedroom that the whole story
had started.
'Ok, my friend. I will divulge my
name to you. You seem like a decent
chap. My name is...
Maria Gozales Este'delucia Jones",
'her' said, "Call me Maria."
PIG!!"Oh there you are"said the tuxman
"Come with me to the prom"he said as
pulled out a six foot screen with the
letters P.R.O.M. written on the front.
Piggy was taken aback "NO!!"she said
"and give me back my pogo stick!".At
this point the tuxman lunged at piggy
grabbing her and taking her in P.R.O.M
The tuxman dragged piggy off to the
PROM, which was put into a fastload
cartridge. They were trapped, forced
to move bits around at a frantic pace.
back corner of the family studies dept
next to Annie-Sue's failing final
exam.(It's name was Fred) It showed
them to a room, but when they looked
up, they noticed it was room 18 !!
The banana bounced by. "We don't
want room 18 !!" she yelled. "Do
you have piggy? How did you get out
of the PROM?" "Elementary, our
cartridge was cracked. I don't know
where piggy is." He was interrupted
by a voice from within the banana suit
is fruity!"
But we ignored the lament and asked
the tuxman about family studies.
Well, I guess my pals back in the
bunch were sort of a family," mused
the Tuxman, "but they've all split
now!"
out of the Banana, reached down and
yanked away the pogo stick. The tuxman
lay on the floor while piggy bounced
away down the hall. Meanwhile I was
pondering on how to find room 17.
our chickens. I had 35 and Maria had
12. But there were no soup pots in
the Family Studies Rm (apparently
called Fred). So we went up with
the Tuxman. There was the door to
room 17. Suddenly, my 23rd chicken
clucked, "Cluck, don't open that
or the pizza woon't get here in time!
Then what'll we do? Imean, 47 chicken
stomaches have to be filled! We don't
want to starve either!"
which tended to disagree with pigs
on pogos, which just happened as the
pig pogo polo team came gallumphing
down the chicken-strewn hallway.
bounce up and down all through the
hall. That was it. I could handle
the guy in the banana but the pig
pogo polo team was too much. I left
the hall immediatly by way of a small
air shaft located close to the floor.
What luck! A brass lantern hung by a
by a trophy case. No, NO! Not ZORK!
But there was a pogo stick there to,
so I took the lamp and stick. Then
I turned it on. PARSER: What do you
want to turn on? Me: Oh, get lost
you--I jumped over to join the
chicken bashers, my lamp aglow on...
PARSER: I can't use the word 'aglow'
here.
I seemed to be in a PseudoZork reality
somewhere beneath the school. A lot
of thumping came down the airshaft,
since there happened to be a pig
pogo polo team bouncing on rubber
chickens up there.
(PARSER: You mean INVENtory!)
...and found I had a brass lantern,
pogo stick, and Himalayan Telephone
Washer/Wiper.
I knew about the trapdoor that led
to the Troll, but how was I to FIGHT?
With diplomacy! I'd show the troll
that death and violence were no good!
I opened the trap door, and returned
3 minutes later covered in bruises.
Right! Time for real fighting, I'
d use the pogo stick and jump all
over the guy. Hopping down the stairs
he snuck up on the man and trampled
him to death. This allowed the very
beautiful princess, Miss Stephanie to
work her powerful magic, and I was
srestored to the first person. What a
relief. I went back up the airshaft,
but the pigs were still bouncing up
and down on a field of rubber chickens
so I ducked back down. I crawled
further (PARSER: You can only WALK..)
down. The beautiful Miss S. said,
Who are you arguing with?
I'm not arguing with anyone--
PARSER: I can't use the word 'any-
one' here.
So we called out (in beautiful four
part harmony -- the brass lantern
could talk, it would seem) 'Is there
a DOC in the house?' Silence.
'Ok,' I added, 'You can Extra Bill!'
Instantly thousands of white-coated
people came down the airshaft and
trapped the parser on a disk and took
it away. 'And good riddance!' The
Brassbantern cried out rather
brazenly.
It floated down and bounced violently,
denting the shaft's walls. Princess
Steff looked a question. Maria said:
But not before Miss Stephanie shared
her enormous wealth of knowledge with
everyone in the room. She was just
so perfect! Her hair was just the
right shade of brown and it rested so
carefreeon her shoulders. All who
had the chance to stare at her were
left speachless by her stunning good
looks. Her materialistic symbols were
also gazed upon with much admiration.
She owned a BMW Turbo, and often could
be found zipping down the street with
the windows down and passer byers
standing on the corners looking at her
in bemused envy. They gazed and gazed
at them, and at the underground road
that Miss Steff had driven to the air-
shaft on. I have big news for you.
quoth the stunning princess. The
17th room is in another building! I
can drive you there in the Turbo.
So they all stuffed into the tiny
seats of the turbo, all the Docs jump-
ing in the trunk because they hadn't
been paid, and I stood there a second
quite stunned. I decided to get on the
roof because the Porche was driving
away. But! It was a convertable!
So I landed on Princess Steff's soft
brown hair that rested so carefree on
her shoulders, and mussed it all up.
Princess Steff screamed,
Get off my head, this hairdo cost me
$70!!
The wall approached? Wait a second,
that's no wall: it's moving! And
the micro-seconds were moving too!
So we all jumped out of the car and
onto the micro-seconds. They were
equipped with all the latest op-
tions including overdrive, leather
nanoseconds. The Turbo hit the moving
wall (wait! It is a giant elephant!)
and bounced off, undamaged, while
we were all whisked away on the flow
of time to Room Seventeen. We were
dumped outside the door by the micro
seconds, and Steff fixed her hair.
the door way wasn't spectacular, but
did have a nice 70$ paint job! Steff,
envious, scratched the door:
The door dissapated, and we Maria
looked along with us at the incredible
mind wrenching sight of the space-time
warptunnel, spiraling off through all
the universe. The DOCS all ran into it
and were never seen again. Maria
stepped forward softly...
We whirled through a non-euclidean
void, with hyperspatial winds blowing
around us. Maria turned (don't ask me
how!) and guided us to a glowing
sphere in the darkness. We approached
it, and FOOM, we were in reality 17.
room. I turned around slowly to be met
face to face with the Green Hornet and
Kato! They too, had heard of Miss
Steff, and were captivated by her
beautifulness! They were hot on the
trail of a kidnapper. Mr. Pumpiekin-
heada had been kidnapped from the
reality to the left of ours. Steffy
offered the use of her BMW Turbo. It
was back from the shop and in perfect
order, as was everything she ever had
anything to do with. She had spent an
afternoon at some YUPpie-ish Susi Bar,
but didn't dare eat any of the raw
fish, but took full advantage of the
fact that her table was highly reflec-
tive to comb her hair that rested so
carefree on her shoulders. (ick!)
The Green Hornet and Kato told us
that the Mr. Pumpiekin-heada was
supposed to send them a message if he
needed help, with his location on it.
Somehow, they had to get to poor
Mr. P. without losing their sanity!
Room number 17 had turned out to be a
new reality painted green. In it, we
found The Green Hornet and his trusty
assistant Kato looking for Mr.
Pumpikien-heada, who had disappeared
from a reality just to the left of
ours. He was the Hornet's agent in
that reality, and when he didn't send
his usual message, they had come
looking for him. Maria realized that
this was the same message SHE had
found in her room that fateful
morning! Somebody had KIDMAPPED Mr. P,
and they had to find him!
They had to find Mr. P without
losing their sanity, but they had al-
ready abandoned it in the gym. The
Hornet took us to a Mind Machine and
got us some extra sanity.
But she suffered a massive heart
attack due to the stress of her latest
job assignment. Miss Stephanie, truly
beautiful, finally went into the famed
room 17 and looked around. She was
shocked. Why these floors couldn't
have been washed in years. Euwww!
Miss S., t.b. & etc., unfortunately
stopped looking at the floors and
studied the walls. A mirror attach-
ed to one caught her eye. In total
dumbfoundment (or starfoundment or
clobfoundment) she gazed at her truly
beautiful self and was unable to look
away from her image. How vain.
Suddenly, out of nowhere...
CRASH! A huge meteorite fell through
the roof and shattered her image.
Whew... That was close!
Upon closer examination of the
interstellar projectile she found....
"How interesting" said the recovered
Maria, leaning over Steff to look:
"A straight line of dots." I grabbed
the still-warm fused lump and turned
it around. I saw glowing lettering,
and read the fading message:
"Turn doorknob every which way?" I
repeated... I then walked up to the
door, light seeping under it, and
attempted to 'turn the doorknob every
which way.' THEN suddenly, as I turned
it 'EVERY WHICH WAY.' I heard a shriek
& turned just in time to see...
rTHE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON I'D EVER SE
EN. HE WAS STANDING THERE IN HIS
BIRTHDAY SUIT RUBBING HIS HUMDINGER AN
D THEN ALLL OF A SUDDEN...I FELT A COL
D JET OF A WET STICKY SUBSTANCE ON MY
But that was a dream. Actually I
saw that the door was shrieking!
I apologized to the door and it kindly
agreed to let us in. The bright light
inside caused us to revert to the
3rd person again. They noticed
that the light came from a long nosed
Gadget, a species known throughout the
lands of Widgets for its compatibility
with any story. It looked at us, as
the door swung open, allowing its
bright light to blaze at us. I sweated
in the heat, and they relapsed into
the 3rd person. The gadget raised a
tanning lamp and we realised the long
nose was due to a malignant cancer.
So Kato chopped it off, "Hai Yah!"
BUt the gadget was not impressed.
"Look, you fools!", he said in that
gadget voice of his we all hated, "I
happen to have here in my hand...
a Person bomb!" The gadget dropped it,
and they suffered terribly, being
jerked from one person to another I
found very uncomforable. Stephanie
grabs the Gadget and yelled "How do
we stop this, they'll go nuts if this
lasted much longer!" The Gadget could
not understand her. Stephanie decides
to stomp on the bomb and she did. Ah!
what a relief! My stomping on the
bomb deactivated it. Wait. I must have
goofed when I put that bomb together,
we're all in the first person! What do
we do now, I asked, glancing at Maria.
Why not walk backwards? We did, and
things went finally back to normal. I
said to him, "This has gone far enough
what is your name?"
reality! I belong to the left of
here!"
curvy 'cause conciousness comes close
competing casually --"
Mr.P. continued and explained that
in this reality his head fit more
snugly into the space-geometry. We
didn't understand it, but it didn't
matter because Mr. Pumpkien Heada had
been found, and now all we had to was
take him to the right-hand reality.
That was simple. The Green Hornet
turned on his Right Hand Turn Signal
and we made a turn at right angles
to reality.
We dropped off Mr P.H., the Green H.
and Kato at their home realities.
Maria picked up her sanity and walked
back through the portal that had
dropped her there in the first place.
Princess Steph and I waved goodbye.
She looked at me, and I looked at her
and this green thing looked at us.
'Steff,' I said, 'Let's bust this
joint and go exploring the multiverse
out there.' She answered, 'Sure. I
will bring along my equipment and I
can study the climate EVERYWHERE!'
'Oh no you don't!' I said.
'We won't have time!!' And I dragged
her off into the sunset by her soft
brown hair that hung so carefree
on her shoulders.
Heh-heh...
tHe eNd.
"I have been taken to another
She wondered what room that was, but
I had some questions to ask the piggy
before his head got much further off
the ground.. "Hey! Do you go to this
school?"
"Sure! I'm the gym teacher. At least
I was until Gabriel Horn arrived...
"How'd you like my Tux?", said the
guy wearing the Tux.
"Huh?", said Piggy. Piggy burped.
Piggy told the Tuxman (related to a
taxman) that his tux was nice, but why
was he in the women's locker room?
"Well you see, I'm looking for..
"Sure.. I guess" grunted the pig.
"Great! I'll pick you up at 7."
replied the tuxman as he zipped up his
But the Tuxman was off! Hopping like
a fiend possessed. Piggy-Sue trotted
after the natty thief and ran in to...
"Oh", I replied, "than you must be--"
"That's right, Icelandic", she finished my
sentence. Than in came a hopping banana on a pogo stick.
"Is this room 17?", spoke the banana,
"I'm looking for a..."
The Horn of Gabriel advised us to
stay away from static RAM on the quest
because it was un-refreshing. Maria
and I looked for room 17 in the
"Help, let me out! Give me back my
p.p.p.pogo stick!" "Stop that. This
"I don't know," he said, "I'm just
going to a prom, I've never been
married, although..."
"Yes? What? Tell us!"
Suddenly, what looked like a large
tumor on the banana squirmed. It
ripped open! A very mad pig burst
"We must go to the 3rd floor" said
the tuxman. We went and began counting
At this moment the food got cold
and the chickens began to feel ill.
They started to fall in the hall,
the pigs began to fall and
squish the chickens, but being only
made of rubber they began to
Me: QUIET! I want to go and play
pogo polo...
Quest For Sanity =========== Chapter 3
I quickly took stock of my posessions,
Oh, I nodded recognition, all I
need to get rid of him is some DOCS.
Just then, Maria came down the
airshaft. She looked at Princess Steff
and at me, and brushed a feather off.
The rubber chickens have swarmed
and are about to stampede into the sea
and the pigs are following them!
Now we can get to Room 17..
She gasped, mainly because she could
not see where she was going, and all
the others gasped, because we were
heading for a cement wall! AHHHHHHH!
While everyone else continued to
scream AHHHHH! (Sounds more like a
sigh to me!) The micro-seconds zipped
by as the cement wall approached...
s0:door
So, they could get in without mussing
Steff's hair! The door probably
would have done the same to Steff.
ZZZZZZZat! All three of us were
pulled through into the tunnel by a
gust of Outer Space Wind.
We were in a huge green and orange
Maria realized that this was the
note SHE had recieved!
Quest For Sanity ========== Conclusion
Maria's head cleared and she real-
ized that her wallet was not an alien.
"Turn Doorknob every which way."
The Gadget, Steff and he stared at
me open mouthed. Then I realized.
"Yipe! Lemme outta here! This is your
We all gasped, or alternatively, they
all gasped. "Then you're Mr Pumpkien
Head!", we (or they) all said, "How
come your head isn't round and big?"
Mr P. smiled, "Here it ain't so
"I bet he needs a non c word next",
whispered Maria to Steph. (t.b.&etc.)
"with--", said Mr. P.H.
"See!", said Maria proudly.
"C, see, sea or si?" asked Steph.